When Magical Girls Go Wrong (ASMR Edition), Part III
Rated PG


His lordship Chaos: ^-^v "Yes indeed, we're back to present you
with the greatest fanfic of all times! That timeless classical epic
which has everyone saying--"

Setsuna: "You're still alive?"

Michiru: [sigh!] "I'll go get the torches and marshmellows again."

His lordship Chaos: "Come on, let's *try* to be friends here."

Outer Senshi: --;; "......"

His lordship Chaos: "Hey, you know I'm a credible author. Trust me
with this fic here! I've already left a most indelible mark on the
world of Sailormoon fanfiction!"

Haruka: "Too bad it's a skid mark."

His lordship Chaos: --;; "Somebody's a little cranky today."

Hotaru: ^-^ "That's because Haruka-poppa and Michiru-momma
[beep!]ed their [beep!] [beep!] all night long!"

Haruka & Michiru: o.O;;



          CENSOR'S NOTE:

          If such jokes continue to persist in a 
          story that's only rated PG, this fic 
          will inevitably be discontinued.




                    WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG

               Part IV: Real Men Don't Wear Leotards


     Greetings!
     Chaos here once more. 
     If you've been keeping up with this whole 'When Magical Girls
Go Wrong' series so far...why do you have to keep encouraging the
author to humiliate me like this?! Are you otaku all sadists or
something?! Does the thought of some hapless guy being forced to
cross-dress by a psychotic gerbil named after a breakfast meal make
you snicker?!


Tamagoyaki: ^^ "Actually, you have to admit it is rather funny when
you think about it."

Chaos: "Shaddup! You're not the one with the lipstick on here,
buddy!"

Sailor Star Fighter: "Hmmm...I think we should go with the cherry
ochre instead of the violet plum. Now then, pucker your lips so I
can apply it properly."

Chaos: --;; "......"


     An entire week had passed since the fiasco in Crazy Hino's
Miracle House of Hosiery. Apparently Tamagoyaki had been banned
from the store after that "shaving Ruby-chan bald" incident. 
     After much prodding, I finally managed to get the gerbil to
sent St. Tail a letter of apology. We also included the collection
of photos Tamagoyaki had taken showing the various stages of him
cheerfully shaving Ruby-chan. 
     St. Tail sent us an irate reply about how this crime was
unforgivable and in the name of something or other, she would
punish us. In all honesty, the only punishment from her I would
fear would be another season of Mysterious Thief St. Tail.
     But I digress!
     So after a week of learning how to parade around like a woman
in my magical girl outfit, I was ready to vent my frustrations on
a stupid-looking youma in a most cheerfully vicious manner.
However, the gerbil insisted we wait until someone with a pure
heart ran into us. I decided to take matters into my own hands and
marched out to the local park--whereupon I started hauling people
up by their shirt collars and demanded to know whether or not they
had a pure heart.
     I really should have remembered that in Anime, at least half
the female population are tomboys who can viciously kick my ass on
a whim. I never even got a chance for any fanservice before I was
pummeled...twice.
     Tamagoyaki, dressed today in an EVA plugsuit, shook his head
as he looked down at my twitching remains on the grass.


Tamagoyaki: "Well, you asked for it."

Chaos: [twitch twitch!] "Hush, gerbil-thingy! Just call me an
ambulance."


     So it appeared that we were at a loss for a hapless victim--I
mean, a new person to befriend. I grumbled about how I was having
to learn to wear pantyhose for nothing, and Tamagoyaki went off to
fight with the local squirrels. 
     Just then I happened to notice someone standing beside me.
     She was cute. 
     She was my age. 
     She...had a twin! ^-^
     Suddenly my day among other things was looking up. I was
entranced by this lovely pair of young ladies, who smiled at me
from behind their sunglasses. Though I can't remember whether or
not I was drooling onto my shirt as I stared atthem with enormous
Bambi-eyes.


Kawaii Young Lady #1: "Excuse me for asking--" 

Kawaii Young Lady #2: "But are you by any chance--"

Both: [kawaii!! ^^] "Chaos?"


     Needless to say, I was more than happy to agree with them.
Come to think of it, I would have been more than happy to agree
with anything they said. Come to think further of it, I did. 
     Right up until they asked if they could rip out my pure heart,
that is.
     Something didn't seem right about this. Not that I was really
complaining when they grabbed the ends of their suave business
suits and ripped them off...revealing two bikini-clad goddesses of
evil before me!
     Oh, how I worship evil!


Kawaii Bikini-clad Young Lady #1: "I'm Peanut Butter!"

Kawaii Bikini-clad Young Lady #2: "I'm Jelly!"

Both: [pointing at Chaos] "And we're here for your pure heart!"

Chaos: [dazed but contended smile] "Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, I had kind
of tuned out after seeing your bosoms. Were you saying something?"

     [Peanut Butter & Jelly facefault!]


     Now that was something of a strange if not predictable wrinkle
in the plot that should have been steampressed a long time ago. I
had the fortune of becoming this lovely pair's first victim. Not
that I was objecting too much. They were pretty. They were evil.
And at the risk of making a bad pun, they were pretty evil.
     Suddenly the idea of them grabbing my chest and savagely
ripping out my pure heart didn't seem like that bad of an idea. I'd
get an eyeful of fanservice, that was for certain. Thusly, I'd die
a happy fanboy.
     Just then my talking rodent of a mascot decided to actually do
something half-useful, and appeared on the scene. 


Tamagoyaki: o.O [dressed in a suit of armour] "Peanut Butter?
Jelly?! They must have found their first pure heart! Quick, Chaos,
who is it?"

Chaos: "Take a wild guess."

Tamagoyaki: [stunned] "*YOU* have a pure heart?"

Chaos: [shrug!] "Apparently so."

Peanut Butter: "Resistance is useless, Chaos! Your pure heart
belongs to us now!"

Jelly: "For the glory of Dark Schnitzel, we shall conquer Tokyo--
starting with you!"

     [Peanut Butter & Jelly launch into their evil cackling bit.]

Chaos: [aside to Tamagoyaki] "So are they supposed to be wearing
that little clothing?"

Tamagoyaki: [shrug!] "Contractual obligations. All female villains
are supposed to be scantily-clad. The bouncing cleavage gets the
male population into reading the fic."

Chaos: ^-^v "Hotcha!"

Tamagoyaki: "Now then, we have to stay focused. These are cunning
opponents who outnumber you two-to-one. Above all, we cannot be
distracted from our mission of protecting your pure--"

     [Cue Chaos chasing after Peanut Butter & Jelly!]

Chaos: ^-^ [boing boing boing!] "I love you! I need you! Let me
date you!"

Peanut Butter: [Run away! Run away!] "Get away from me, you
pervert!"

Jelly: "I never thought they'd have someone like *this* defending
the Earth!"

Chaos: ^^  "I could get to like this Magical Girl thing."

Tamagoyaki: [eyebrow twitch!] "Hey! The Magical Girl
Instrumentality Handbook states that you are not to chase your
enemies around for dates!"

Chaos: "Don't worry! They'll think it's just rampant lesbianism. It
needs no excuse in Anime."

Tamagoyaki: [grrr!] "Magical girls are not supposed to flirt with
evil--no matter how attractive it might be. For violating the
sacred code, I shall punish you!"

     [Cue Tamagoyaki pulling out an enormous 1000t mallet!]

Chaos: o.O;;;

Tamagoyaki: "SHIN'NE!!"

     *WHAM!!!!*


     Well, at the very least my flirting was good while it lasted.
However being crushed by an oversized pan-dimensional mallet o'
doom is not exactly the way I enjoy spending my afternoons. 
     After Tamagoyaki reinflated me, it appeared I was now faced
with no other option but...to cross-dress! 
     Depressing, I know, but unfortunately the contractual
obligations get you like this every time. And so without further
ado (but plenty of adon'ts) I pulled out my henshin and held it
high in the air. And as luck would have it, I realized I had no
idea what I was supposed to call myself.
     Sailor Dragqueen was out of the question.


Tamagoyaki: "Who cares what we should call you?! Just transform,
you idiot! I'll make up something later."

Chaos: [grrr!!] "Forget about Dark Schnitzel. Once I get into my
skirt, I am going to kill you. You're like an Ewok from hell!"


     And so I held my henshin high in the air and shouted something
that might have been a string of coherent words. Suddenly I was
surrounded by a large flash of light, and I became weightless. For
a moment I was overjoyed to think I might have been suddenly
abducted by aliens and not have to be humiliated (rectal probe
aside)!
     But it turns out said aliens only seem to capture cute teenage
girls in Anime. So I was out of luck.


     [Cue the swarm of colourful glittering ribbons!]

Chaos: "Yeow! What the--?! That tickles!"

Tamagoyaki: "Yes! YES!! We have our first new magical girl!"

Chaos: [flailing around] "A little help here! I've got my magical
ribbons stuck in a knot!"

Tamagoyaki: "Ha! I'd liked to see Dark Schnitzel try and take over
the--(o.O) Woah! Oh, now that was a nekkid transformation flash I
could have done without seeing!"

Chaos: [irate li'l fanboy] "SHADDUP!!!"


     And so in big 2 minute-long segment, I transformed from an
average guy into a cross-dressing magical girl complete with make-
up and accessories. I wasn't too impressed; the earrings didn't
match with my pumps. 
     Now some of you might be asking around now, "Just why didn't
Peanut Butter and Jelly attack him during this two minute
sequence?" 
     Well I had wondered about that too. 
     The gerbil said it had something to do with the standard
villain contracts: a restraining order is in effect whenever a
magical girl transforms. Union rules, or something like that.
Apparently while I'm transforming, the evil-doers just take five
and have a coffee break.
     Regardless though, I still had to fight them now. 
     Then again....


Peanut Butter: o.O;; "A magical girl?!"

Jelly: o.O "But he was...and now she's...what the hey?"

Chaos: --;; "So much for dating prospects with those two."

Tamagoyaki: "It would have never worked out anyways. They're trying
to date some 'Bagel' guy."

     [Chaos facefaults!]


     Peanut Butter dramatically pointed at me and stated that now
they would turn my lunch into a youma designed to extract my pure
heart. I in turn scratched my head and asked them how they would
accomplish this, since I hadn't brought my meal with me. But lucky
me, Jelly had an extra boxed lunch handy just in case of
emergencies like this! 
     And who says villains are always unprepared?
     So now it was time to do the contractual obligatory Magical
Girl spiel about how stealing someone's lunch and turning it into
a demon-thingy was a naughty naughty thing to do, and how I would
give them a severe finger-wagging in the name of love and justice.
     That bit of sarcasm earned me another smiting courtesy of
Tamagoyaki's 1000t magical mallet of happiness. Suddenly it
occurred to the talking gerbil that his trusted magical
girl...guy...whatever had just been rendered two-dimensional.


Chaos: @.@ "Owwwww...."

Tamagoyaki: [sigh!] "We lose more magical girls this way."

Peanut Butter: "Prepare to meet our deadly youma, Sailor
Dragqueen!"

Chaos: [grrrrr!] "I am not a dragqueen!"

Jelly: "Presenting our pure heart-extractor o' the day: Sandoitchi-
chan!"

Tamagoyaki: [consulting a dictionary] "Um...'Little Sandwich'? I
thought their youma would have more original names than this."

Chaos: "This coming from the rodent named Omelete."

     [Cue the enormous demonic Clubhouse sandwich youma!]

Sandoitchi-chan: [striking a pose!] "Whole wheat!"

Tamagoyaki & Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "......"

Jelly: "Sandoitchi-chan, go get this crossdresser's pure heart!"

Sandoitchi-chan: [chaaaarge!] "Pumpernickel!"

Chaos: [bracing himself--er, herself for a fight] "So what do we do
now?"

Tamagoyaki: "The only thing we can do, Chaos. Cue the eyecatch!"

Chaos: [facevaulting!] "WHAT?!"


     [Cue the eyecatch!]



          Next time on When Magical Girls Go Wrong: 

          the big climactic battle in which you learn 
          just how stupidly-dressed youma really are.






A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR'S PSYCHIATRIST:

     Dear God, you mean he's escaped?!
     Oh, and all the magical girls portrayed within are copyright
of their respective owners, artists and distributors.


                         -His lordship Chaos.
                              hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
                              carnage.fanfic.org