When Magical Girls Go Wrong R: Part 4
Rated PG


     Daimon Row.
     Only the worst of the worst youma ended up in there. And that
typically meant the most ridiculous-looking ones of the entire
season. Current inmates stared idly out through their iron bars as
yet another daimon was led through the cell block.
     "Woo! Western!" a cowboy youma with a serious Clint Eastwood
wanna-be complex exclaimed, her hands shackled together as she
bounded down the main hall on her horsey pogo stick.

Neko daimon: "So what are you in here for, meow?"

Nascar daimon: "Grand heart theft. And I would have gotten away
with it too, if it hadn't been for those pesky girls, and their
cats!"

     Yet today there was an unexpected guest to daimon row. But she
wasn't here for any of the daimons. Galaxia scowled as she walked
through one of the many security checkpoints. At last she came to
a hall that resembled an old stone dungeon. 
     "Your prisoner is in the last cell, Galaxia," Sailor Star
Maker said. "But be aware of the rules you must follow when talking
to him. Do not approach the glass. Do not pass him anything. Do not
accept anything from him. And for the love of Naoko, don't give him
any more ideas."
     Galaxia nodded, and braced herself. Slowly she made her way
towards the last cell, trying not to think about how much this was
creeping her out. And she was the greatest soldier in the galaxy
too; she wasn't supposed to get creeped out! Then again, she had to
look at who she was dealing with. But all she had to do was talk a
certain author into discontinuing his fanfic series.
     Galaxia drew in a deep breath and then came face to face with
her opponent. His lordship Chaos was sitting there in his private
cell, busy drawing some sketches for his newest Sailormoon
dojinshi. He glanced over at Galaxia as she came in view of the
reinforced glass window.
     "Ah, so Neo Queen Serenity tempts fate again," he stated in a
chillingly even voice. "You know, Galaxia, an Inner Senshi once
tried to reform me after she read my first 'When Magical Girls Go
Wrong' fic. I ate her Starseed with some fava beans and a fine
Chianti...and then I choked on it and needed the Himelich Maneuver
performed on me...but it was still delicious, aside from that whole
gagging part."

Galaxia: ^^;; "Okay, I'm leaving now...."



                 WHEN MAGICAL GIRLS GO WRONG R!!!

         Part 4: Genki Genki Monster Monster Lucky Lucky!


     9 out of 10 mad scientists agree that you can never have too
many funny-looking robots smashing the city. But it seemed that I
was stuck with the 10th mad scientist, who was just as content to
send a funny-looking crab salad after me. Yes indeed, just with any
token magical girls episode, the obligatory fight scene had just
arrived with the subtlety of Gamera.
     There I was, standing outside of the Miracle House of Hosiery,
wondering if my new earrings matched my nail polish. Then the enemy
decided to show up. Sure enough, there was Lemon Jello--and her
rather obvious disclaimer. And it seemed that she was rather bent
on exacting her revenge on me for making the PBJ twins defect to
the side of good. 
     Do all magical girls have some invisible 'hurt me' sign tacked
onto their backs, or is it just me?
     Regardless, if I wanted get some Gainax bounce out of her
bosoms, I needed to transform--but I certainly couldn't become a
magical girl in public. I'd get slapped with all sorts of lawsuits
about how my crossdressing gave people mental anguish. However, I
took comfort in knowing that I looked cuter in a dress than any of
them ever could.
     Springing into action, I pointed dramatically in behind Lemon
Jello and shouted the first thing that came to my mind. 


Chaos: "Look! EVA 01's doing a Lord of the Dance impression!"

Lemon Jello: o.O; [turning away] "Really? Where?"


     Amazingly, it worked.
     With Lemon Jello distracted, I quickly searched for a place
where I could change in private, and don my fuku of love and
justice. As if on cue, an British TARDIS phonebooth suddenly
materialized and out crashed Sailor Ironmouse. The phone receiver
hanging off the hook buzzed and then an automated voice announced,
"We are sorry, but the dimension you have dialed is no longer in
service. Please hang up and try again."
     Iron Mouse wasn't too thrilled, and demanded that she at least
get her quarter back. However I needed the phone booth more than
she did, so I just snuck up behind and meowed loudly. 
     In retrospect, I would not recommend transforming in a phone
booth. Why? Because you have all those flashing lights, sparkling
glitter and flying ribbons swarming around in a very small area. It
took Tamagoyaki five minutes to untangle me from all the knots I'd
ribboned myself into.


Chaos: ;_; [twisted up like a pretzel!] "Itai. Itai. Itai. Itai."

Tamagoyaki: --;; [with a pair of scissors] "I ask for a Black
Iczelion babe, I get someone more annoying than Hime-chan. Hold
still!"

Chaos: ;_; "Itai. Itai. I--(^-^) Hey, I really do have a cute
butt!"

Tamagoyaki: "Well, I think this is proof enough that you need to
upgrade to a more powerful transformation...or a less idiotproof
one."


     Once I got untangled--which left me half-nekkid and covered in
a mess of ribbons and bows still sticking to me--I asked Tamagoyaki
what I should do. He handed me my enchanted Etch-A-Sketch and gave
me the new catch phrase for me to power up.


Tamagoyaki: "Well? Say it!"

Chaos: --;; [sigh!] "Cutey fanboy fuku power, kiss and make up.
There, you happy?!"


     I'll skip the details of my upgraded transformation, mainly
because I'm not about to traumatize half of you with the
description...and cause the other half of you to snicker wildly at
my cross-dressing misfortunes. 
     Lemon Jello took my transformation better than the twins had--
though that was probably because she'd known about the Sailor
Dragqueen thing.


Lemon Jello: "Hmph! How dare your calves be more supple than mine!
You shall pay for this, Sailor Dragqueen!"

Chaos: "Should I take that as an insult, or what?"

Tamagoyaki: "Don't look at me. I'm just placing a bet on how well
your fight will go."

Chaos: ^-^ "Wai! What are my odds?"

Tamagoyaki: "Since you're a magical girl, it's a near-guaranteed
victory. However, I'm also betting you get humiliated on the fourth
page."

Chaos: --;; "Gee, thanks for that vote of support."

SD Banana-thingy: [popping out from behind a lamp post] "Ganbaru."

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Okay, who here's been watching Idol
Project again?!"


     With a hauty cackle that 50% of all token female villains
possess, Lemon Jello stepped forward and presented her bowl of crab
salad. It was quickly turned into a demonic crab salad, with a
large glass bowl for a body and a set of tongs for each hand. And
its attacks were basically whatever it could scoop out from the
bowl and lob at me.
     The writers were sure on a lot of drugs when they created this
youma, that's all I have to say. But at least Lemon Jello didn't
put on the Cowbell of Happiness and turn into a Holstein.


Lemon Jello: ^-^ "WOH HOH HO OHO HO!! Sarada no Kani-chan, grab his
pure heart for me and then turn him into hors d'oeuvre!"

Sarada no Kani-chan youma: "Tong!"

Chaos: [sigh!] "Let me guess: Crab salad-chan?"

Tamagoyaki: "Yep. Now go out there and show that appetizer who's
the cannon fodder of this fic!"

Chaos: o.O; "Cannon fodder?"

Tamagoyaki: ^^;; "I meant, magical girl."

Chaos: --;; "Sure you did...."


     And so the latest battle began, with the Sarada no Kani-chan
youma flinging boulder-sized cherry tomatoes and acidic crab salad
in every direction. Not to mention this youma played dirty too; if
I got too close, it would give me a purple nurple with one of its
tongs-for-hands.
     At the risk of stating the obvious, I was getting clobbered
with frightening ease. Yet Lemon Jello refused to do the obligatory
underling thing and leave; how could I possibly annihilate the
youma o' the day with an audience? I don't perform well under
pressure!


Tamagoyaki: "And once again it's time for the cute li'l gerbil to
save the day. Here, use this!"

     [Tamagoyaki tosses Chaos an aerosol can!]

Chaos: [reading the label] "'Youma-B-Gone spray'? What happened to
opening up my henshin o' whup ass?"

Tamagoyaki: "I traded it in for a PlayStation 2."

Chaos: ^-^ [hopeful li'l crossdresser] "Can I play it?"

Tamagoyaki: "Not until you defeat the youma."

Chaos: >.< "KUSO!!!"

     
     Well it looked like I was about to get some serious tub-
thumping in, but without the tub. As I got swatted around the
street, I decided to invest in a kevlar vest of love and justice
next time, as opposed to a mere fuku. Suddenly the Sarada no Kani-
chan youma was upon me, ready to render me seafood pate!
     Was this the end of Chaos?!


Chaos: o.O; [panicky li'l magical girl] "Tamagoyaki, do
something!!!!"

Tamagoyaki: [playing Onimusha on the PS2] "Can't talk. Killing
undead samurai zombies."

Chaos: [evil magical girl mode!] "Okay, that does it! When I get
resurrected or reborn after this fic, I am going to shove my
transformation wand right up your--"

Sarada no Kani-chan: [lunge!] "Caviar!"

Chaos: o.O; "KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"


     However, it appeared that fate and the author were not through
tormenting me just yet. As the crab salad demon pounced, something
red and white went buzzing past it. Sarada no Kani-chan's cheek was
grazed by the projectile, and the youma tumbled in a dazed heap
next to me.
     Of course, Lemon Jello's hauty (not to mention twitch-
inducing) cackling came to an abrupt halt.


Lemon Jello: [looking around] "What? Who did that?!"

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "I got saved by a flying candy cane?!"

Tamagoyaki: "If it's peppermint, I call dibs on eating it first."


     As if on cue, some really dramatic orchestral music started.
And then suddenly standing atop the telephone pole was a masked
bishounen...with a strings quartet playing his theme song at the
base of the pole. With a suave flair about him, he reached into his
handy-dandy bucket of token cherry blossoms and started flinging
handfuls of the petals into the air to further enhance his
entrance.
     I could only gawk in stunned disbelief at the appearance of
this mysterious savior. Why, do you ask? Well, to be honest a guy
dressed up like a Chippendale isn't exactly on my list of turn-
on's.

Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: ^_- "Sailor Dragqueen, you must be
strong and give that crab salad indigestion. For if you do not, the
lunches of this beautiful city will be used for evil. Demon-
possessed buffet tables will gorge themselves upon the hearts and
dreams of the city, leaving everyone here starved for hope. You
must be their protector!"

Chaos: o.O;; [sweatdrop!] "He's not serious, is he?"

Tamagoyaki: [shaking his head] "Actually, all magical girls are
supposed to have a mysterious romantic interest like him."

Chaos: [hauling the gerbil up by the collar] "I do NOT want some
Fabio-type idiot making dumb speeches of love and justice. And I
DEFINITELY don't want to be in love with him!!!"

Tamagoyaki: "The script seems to disagree with you."

Chaos: [eyebrow twitch!] "Are you trying to deepen my psychosis
here?!"


     Yes, you guessed it, hokey smoke watch this otaku pull a
cabbit out of his hat, now we've got the tall, slender bishounen in
the fic. Complete, no less, with what all masked bishies require by
contract:

     1. 'Tennis lens sparkle' smile
     2. Mysterious 'I'm the Token Male in the show' allure
     3. 'I Can't Believe It's Not Fabio' posing 
     4. Corny 'Hallmark genki dashite yo type-in-name-of-MG-of-
        your-choice speech.'

     As much as I had wanted to escape the reality, the fact was
that all magical girl shows need some sort of "yummy bishie"
element to give all the fangirls a bit of romantic fanservice. This
would explain why he was fighting evil without a shirt on.


Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: ^_-  "When evil gazes upon my sexy
pecs, they are awed by this studly body of good! Aren't I just so
sexy?"

Chaos: "If he starts doing his own Asaba Sexy Dance, I'm going to
reload the enchanted rocket launcher."

Sarada no Kani-chan: [blink blink!] "Cocktail weenies?"

     [Cue Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen swooping down next to
Chaos!]

Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: ^-^ "Aren't you just the cutest
little thing? I'm glad I rescued you when I did."

Chaos: [sweatdrop!]  "What the hell?"

Tamagoyaki: "Well, what do you know? The crossdresser has fans."

Chaos: [irate li'l otaku] "THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF FANCLUB I WANT
TO BE KNOWN FOR HAVING!!!"

Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: ^-^ "Now then, how about a kiss in
return for me saving your cute li'l life?"

Chaos: "Excuse me, but despite the girl's fuku and padded chest, I
am a guy!!"

Under-dressed Over-sexed Kamen: [evil smile!] "I know."

Chaos: o.O;;


     *SMOOCH!!*



     [Cue the eyecatch!]


               Next time on When Magical Girls Go 
               Wrong R:

               When the masked bishounen o' the fic
               arrives to save the day and then hit
               on you, we show you how to just plain
               hit him!


          


AND NOW, YOUR HOST: THE AUTHOR!


     [Cue His lordship Chaos sitting behind a desk in television
studio, with a fake night-time Tokyo skyline in the background!]

His lordship Chaos: ^^v "Domo! And now I'd like to bring out a few
special guests to talk about my fic. The first is none other than
the Sailormoon manga creator, Naoko Takeuchi herself!"

     [Cue Naoko Takeuchi, driving maniacally onto the stage riding
on a yellow moped with a 'P!' label on it! Clearing the stairs
courtesy of an expendable stagehand, she hauls out a bigass
electric guitar and pulls on the primer cord (don't ask)! With a
loud roar the electric guitar comes to life!]

Naoko Takeuchi: >) [swinging the guitar at the author's head!]
"ITADAKIMASU!!"

His lordship Chaos: o.O;; "Oh no, she's gone Furi Kuri!" 

     *CLONG!!!*


     [We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand
by.... ^-^]


His lordship Chaos: --;; [now sporting a large horn sticking out of
his forehead] "Well that wasn't a very nice crossover. Anyhoo,
since it seems Naoko has driven off to declare war on a large Dead
Moon iron that appeared in the middle of the city, we might as well
invite in our next guest!"

Iris: (^____^) "Konnichi wa. Iris-san desu!"

His lordship Chaos: "Iris-san gets a cameo--"

Iris: "Wai! I knew buying that Look-Like-A-Shoujo-Babe-In-
Three-Simple-Steps Jusenkyo-Grooming Kit from the Ayashii-Random-
Salesman-From-Ranma would come in handy someday."

His lordship Chaos: [sweatdrop!] "And I'm sure it did. Now then,
Iris here--"

Iris: [preening in front of the cameras!] "I feel so honored!! I
want to thank Saito High's Akai Kamen for being a sterling example
of the Masked Bishie genre, the general Anime Community for
inspired lunacy--"

His lordship Chaos: --;; "SECURITY!!"

     [Cue the Sailor Guts phage lumbering over and tying Iris to
her guest chair with his powers of Youth Perspiration!]

His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "And as my handy youma makes sure Iris'
restraints are secured, let me tell you a bit about her. Iris here
was a fan of my first 'When Magical Girls Go Wrong' fic...and gave
me waaaaay too many evil ideas for writing the sequel. Most of them
regarding Bishie-boy."

Iris: [big watery Bambi-eyes!] "You mean you're finally doing a
yaoi scene? Wai!!"

     [Iris suddenly breaks free of her rope & glomps Chaos!]

Iris: ^-^ Let me call you Onee-sama!!!"

His lordship Chaos: o.O; "Not the suit! Don't wrinkle the--
KYAAAAAAAA!!!"

     [Cue the deadly "kira-kira" sound effects with flowers
popping up mysteriously in the background!]

His lordship Chaos: --;; "You do realize you're paying for all the
floral bills."

Iris: [big innocent smile!]  ^___________^v

His lordship Chaos: "Now then, before I get molested even more, let
me introduce our next and final guest: Trigun's very own Kuroneko-
sama!"

     [A slinky black cat mysteriously appears atop the author's
desk, nonchalantly licking a paw.]

Kuroneko-sama: "Nyaaa."

     Cat Translation 1: Mo osoi.
     Cat Translation 2: My mother is a fat red pencil.

His lordship Chaos: "Um...yeah. Okay, let's talk to Iris first. For
as much as you loved the first MG fic, what was your initial
reaction in hearing about a sequel?"

Iris: [standing on top of a wobbly tree branch, Amelia-style] "And
all the world will scream in terror, little girls running back home
crying, little boys in drag putting aside their Gundam accessories
and Dubbies mysteriously vanishing from the face of this Earth!!!
MWAH HAH AH HAH HA HAH HA--!"

      [Iris suddenly chokes halfway through her 'Random Type-
In-Villain-Of-Your-Choice Taking Over The World' laugh!]

Iris: [turning blue!] "Ta...tasu...ke...te...."

     *THUMP!*

Kuroneko-sama: "Nyaaa."

     Translation 1: Aho.
     Translation 2: How much is that camel on your head?

His lordship Chaos: ^^;; "Could we get a medic in here to make sure
she's alive? And if she is, could we get a daimon in here to remove
her pure heart and make her stop ranting?"

Iris: [boing!] "Don't worry! I'm okay!"

     [Cue Naoko Takeuchi zooming by on her moped again!]

Naoko Takeuchi!: >) [with electric guitar!] "Furi Kuri!!"

Iris: o.O;;

     *CLONG!!*

His lordship Chaos: [wisely ducking the guitar] "And before all
hell breaks loose, let me remind you that any randomly-mentioned
magical girls in this fic are copyright of their creators, owners
and distributors."

Kuroneko-sama: "Nyaaa."

     Translation 1: I have nothing more to say to all this
                    overwhelming stupidity.
     Translation 2: Mismatched socks are the latest fashion trend
                    among catgirls.



                    -His lordship Chaos (and Iris desu!)
                         hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
                         carnage.fanfic.org