3....


                              2....


                              1....



     [Cue a super-deformed Greenbeans and a super-deformed Sean
popping up and taking over the lemon!]

SD Greenbeans: ^^ "Wai!"


                      NANE NANI HENTAI!!!
                                
                                
                                
                     (Not for sale or rent)


     [We suddenly cut to a prop fence in front of a backdrop
depicting a large Totoro in Speedos, surfing atop a wave. Oh come
on, people; lemons are non-sequitur to begin with! Why should the
backdrops be any different? *Ahem!* Anyhoo, in front of the fence
is Greenbeans, all dressed up in overalls. Standing in behind the
fence is Sean...who is dressed up like an oversized plushie
tentacle.]

Beanie onee-san: "Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Nane Nani Hentai. In
English that means 'the How and Why of Hentai'. In these segments
we will try to fill you in--"

Ashi Sean: ^-^ [stifles a laugh]

Beanie onee-san: [sigh!] "Pardon the innuendo and double entendre."

Ashi Sean: "Never! I refuse to pardon something that comes
naturally!"

Beanie onee-san: "So you officially sanction Chaos' stupidity at
trying to write this turkey of a lemon sequel?"

Ashi Sean: [shrug!] "More or less."

His lordship Chaos: [offstage] "I heard that!"

Beanie onee-san: "As I was saying, some of our remarks about the
hentai genre may require an explanation from time to time. In these
segments we will try to give you the details and questions
regarding the genre."

Ashi Sean: ^-^ "And who says hentai isn't educational?"

Beanie onee-san: --;; "......"

Ashi Sean: "But truth be known, the Japanese have 3 relative levels
of perverseness that's found in their language."


     1) Ecchi, which is the lowest and most harmless level,
        usually involving innuendo, stupid fantasies, and lots of
        underwear or cleavage shots. 


Beanie onee-san: "This is also generally a phrase used to tease
someone. A direct reference can be found in the R movie, where Ami
remarks that Mamoru is the type of guy who attracts other guys as
well as girls. One of the ribbings she immediately gets is--"

Ashi Sean: ^-^ "Ami-chan no ecchi!" 

Beanie onee-san: [sigh!] "'Ami, you pervert!'"


     2) Hentai, the general and most infamous form. All sorts of
        funny, kinky and just plain strange sex abounds here.
        It's existence is acknowledged and accepted as a part of
        life. Deal with it. 


Beanie onee-san: "While hentai (and its adherents) might be frowned
upon by the general public, no one really complains one way or the
other. Hentai isn't that disruptive, since it's kept to the privacy
of one's own affairs and/or home."

Ashi Sean: "And various used panty vending machines."

Beanie onee-san: "......"

Ashi Sean: "What? They're out there. It's like the topic of sex
during the Victorian era: everybody's into it, and everybody's
doing it (not to mention trying new things out), but nobody openly
talks about it. And Queen Vicky made lesbians legal, remember. It's
a fact, look it up."

Beanie onee-san: [sweatdrop!] "You're enjoying this too much."


     3) Sukebe. Definitely the most hardcore and darker side of
        the hentai genre, period. This falls into the category of
        people and things that even most other hentai individuals
        will avoid or shun. Life, anime and fanfiction that gets
        shelved into this part would be seen as nothing but
        purely disturbing with no real reason to be cheering it
        on.


Beanie onee-san: "Rape, especially glorified rape, is a good
example of sukebe."

Ashi Sean: "Added to this is the variety that can be found within
the hentai genre itself. Sub-genres abound!"


     1) Yuri: female/female sex scenes. In Chaos' "Everything I
        need to know I learned from Anime", Rule #3 states:
        rampant lesbianism needs no excuses. In Sailormoon
        especially, where the female to male ratio is heavily
        stacked in the XX chromosome's favour, we see a lot of
        yuri-style fanfics.


Ashi Sean: ^-^ [waving little fans] "Wai! Wai!"

Beanie onee-san: [bopping him with a rolled-up script] "Bad hentai!
No cookie for you."

Ashi Sean: "But I was looking so forward to sampling your cookies,
Beans."

Beanie onee-san: [punting Ashi Sean out of the fic] "BAKA!!!"

Ashi Sean: [distant voice] "Stage out!"


     2) Yaoi: male/male. There tends to be very few of these in
        the Sailormoon universe. But take a peek at Gundam Wing
        or Fushigi Yuugi lemons (where the number of male
        characters are greater) and you will find this sub-genre
        abounding. "Shonen ai" (literally, guy love) is the more
        official term; yaoi is considered the slang.


Ashi Sean: [groan!] "Or another example, Weiss Kreuz, where I don't
think there's a single fic written online that ISN'T yaoi. I mean,
come on! 'Pimping Omi'?!"

Beanie onee-san: "Oh, stop your whining."


     3) Naughty tentacles: any monster with an added, slimy
        appendage (or a few dozen of them) tends to be the
        culprit in a rape scene. These pesky beasts are most
        notoriously oversexed, and have popped up in a number of
        SM lemons. Usually any scene involving them isn't pretty.
        Tentacle-themed fics tend to be extreme hentai if not
        borderline sukebe in some cases.


Todd: [from off-stage] "Tentacles rule! Bring on the Doji!"

Beanie onee-san: "Um...your tentacle seems to be going limp, Sean."

Ashi Sean: [pushing the drooping top of his costume aside] "You're
just not stimulating me enough, Beans. Maybe if you got out of
those overalls--"

Beanie onee-san's fist: *WHAM!*

Ashi Sean: x.x  "Itai...."

Beanie onee-san: [shaking her head] "Why did I have to get stuck
co-hosting this segment with him?"

Ashi Sean: [springing back up!] "And now it's time to start our
orgasmcount(tm)!"

Beanie onee-san: o.O;; "The what?"

     [Cue Todd Foster happily wheeling in a large pixel board!]

Todd: ^^v "This is where we write out the entire fic and manage to
count the number of onscreen climaxes. Remember, they can be male,
female, or other, but they MUST be onscreen to count!"

Ashi Sean: "This ain't no lime, no matter how red Amanda turns!"

Todd: "So far, I believe the count is zero, unless Greenbeans wants
to tell us what seeing Quistis nude did to her...."

Beanie onee-san: [blush!] "Er...no comment."

Todd: --;; "Spoilsport."

Ashi Sean: ^^v "Don't worry, I've got it all on tape!"

Todd: ^^v "Cool!"

Beanie onee-san: "Okay, that's it! No more! Somebody stop this
segment from going on! There's nothing to read here, people,
nothing to read at all!"

Todd: [viewing the film] "Wow! I never knew you could use an egg
beater like that."

Ashi Sean: "Wait'll she hauls out the tickle whip!"

Beanie onee-san: o.O;; "CUT!"




                STILL PRETTY FLY (FOR A HENTAI)
                                
                   Written in Sex-O-Vision!!
                                
                                
                                
                                
                Rated R (Ridiculously perverted)



     It's back!
     The sequel that has even the readers coming back for more, and
the Senshi just coming, period. This second part of "Still Pretty
Fly (For A Hentai)" was going to be originally entitled "There's
something about Minako", but we ran out of *cough cough* hair gel
halfway through the production...and showing the readers a close-up
of Zirconia's wrinkled blue butt was deemed as cruel and unusual
punishment.
     Just remember today's tip: size matters. Some might argue plot
matters too, but since we're in control of this fanfic, who cares
about those people?! Which does, of course, beg the question as to
how Martha Stewart would write a Sailormoon hentai.
     But don't take our word for why Naoko will no doubt punish us
repeatedly in the name of...something she'll probably make up
later. See what the critics are raving about:

          "Two tentacles up!"

                    -Kang & Kodos


          "NNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

                    -Michael Mallery


          "Happy, happy, lucky, lucky, monkey, monkey!"

                    -Sana-chan, "Child's Toy"


          "You'll get used to it. A mental mindfuck can 
           be nice."

                    -Frank N. Furter, "Rocky Horror Picture Show"


          "Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?"

          "Yes, that's the most appalling thing you
           could have said."
  
                    -Anya and Giles, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer"


     Just to reiterate, this fic was given a Swedish massage by
Sean Gaffney, Greenbeans, Todd Foster and His lordship Chaos. You
can thank us. Or you can spank us. And if you're a cute girl in a
sailor fuku, you can do both! 
     Like all good disclaimers, we should state that this fic has
been formatted to fit your screen. And whenever possible in
recreating the lemon scenes, we tried to get half-decent Senshi
actresses who were willing to get naked on screen, but only because
it was an art thing and not about wanton, pointless sex.


                         *    *    *
     So, with the obligatory disclaimer bit out of the way, onto
the story starring sex-starved Sailor Senshi!
     Now, can any of you readers say that 5 times fast?
     o.O;;  You can?
     Stop mocking the narrator, then!
     Anyhoo, at the Crown conglomerate restaurant, a strange thing
could be heard from the private booth the Inner Senshi always
frequented....

Rei: "Usagi, stop sucking on Todd's banana! You're being too loud."

Usagi: "But Rei--Mmmmm!--it's so good, I can't--Slurp!--help it!"

Ami: "Usagi-chan, you're getting drool all over the table."

Sean: "I told you we should have gotten her a bib for this."

Minako: [hmph!] "The least she could do was share Todd's banana
with us, but she has to hog it all."

Todd: [sweatdrop!] "I've only got one! I'd share if I could, but
Usagi is taking such big bites from it!"

His lordship Chaos: "If anyone wants an extra, they can try my
banana."

Rei: "But it's so big! I don't know if I'd be able to get that all
in my mouth."

Ami: "How about we try putting some chocolate sauce on it?"

Makoto: "Ne, Mame-chan, can I have a lick of one of your mounds?
They look so soft and tasty."

Greenbeans: "I don't see why not. Help yourself."

Sean: "Hey, no fair! I want some too!"

Greenbeans: >p "Get your own Senshi; Makoto paid, so she's entitled
to all the free samples she wants."

Makoto: "Mmmm, delicious!"

Sean: --;;  "Everyone's being so damned stingy with their ice cream
sundaes."

     Yes indeed, you might be a hentai if you thought this entire
section of dialogue had something to do with sex. When in fact it
was just about some Senshi and some authors having some afternoon
banana splits.
     Anyhoo, to further explore the Sailormoon universe, the four
authors had decided to interact with the Sailor Senshi. The more
they could understand these young ladies...the more cliches they
could unlock and abuse at their leisure! With everyone crowded into
the booth, it was making for quite the interesting conversation. 
     Sean turned to Greenbeans with an ecchi grin on his face.
"Mind if I eat you like an ice cream sundae?"
     "Sorry, no work on the Sabbath," she instantly retorted.
     Sean facevaulted into the table at that, while Greenbeans
directed her attention back to a discourse Ami was giving them. 
     "You're some of the first authors who've actually bothered to
show up and ask us how we see our relationships in the series," the
blue-haired genius explained. "Usually authors make up some wild
story about an aggressive Makoto seducing a shy version of myself.
Or else Rei seducing Minako, because Rei's still in love with Usagi
and Minako looks so much like her."

Minako: [suspiciously eyeing Rei] "So that's why you always ask to
do my hair up in odangos."

Rei: ^^;; "It's nothing, I swear! Would you like it better if you
put my hair up in odangos too?"

     Sean feigned mock surprise. "Someone written out of character
in a lemon? And I thought that was a myth!"
     "Don't worry about a thing," His lordship Chaos reassured the
sailor soldiers. "We're here to dig deep into your character
psyches, peel back the layers, and reveal the real women beneath
the fuku."
     "Lemons tend to reveal a lot more too," Sean remarked offhand
to Chaos. He pointed to the tall brunette taking another spoonful
of Greenbeans' mounds of ice cream. "Take Makoto, for example.
She's been branded as a 'squirter' now whenever she climaxes,
thanks to an 'evening' at Lita's place."
     Makoto froze, her head slowly turning in Sean's direction. Her
eyes narrowed.
     "Um...I didn't say I endorsed the whole 'gushing geyser'
effect," he said in an attempt to placate her.
     Makoto lifted her legs and swung her feet out from underneath
the table. "Are you saying that's wrong?" she challenged. "You
think I don't have the stamina for something like that?"
     "No! Your body shuddering in ecstasy when you have an orgasm
is perfectly valid too," Todd hastily added. 
     He was immediately cuffed upside the back of the head by
Greenbeans and Rei. "Stop encouraging her!" the two ladies
chorused.
     But it appeared Makoto was out to prove Sean wrong as she
positioned herself directly in front of him and spread her legs.
His lordship Chaos rolled his eyes as he saw what was happening.
"Makoto, don't you point that at him. Makoto, I mean it. Don't you
spray him with your--"

     *SQUIRT SQUIRT!*

Makoto: ;p [with a watergun] "Was it good for you too, Sean?"

Sean: --;; "Just for that, I won't write that Utena lemon crossover
with you and Juri."

     "Maybe I should have gone with a written survey instead of an
informal interview," His lordship Chaos remarked, scribbling
something down on his notepad.
     Todd took said notepad, wrote something and handed it back.
Chaos read it, then gave Todd an exaggerated look. "And just where
am I going to find a jackhammer with *that* kind of attachment on
the end?!"
     Usagi turned to Greenbeans, an expectant and naive look in her
eyes. "Ne, what sort of lemon will this be? It must be very good
given the hard work you're putting into it. I can't wait to read
it."
     "Aha haaaaaa...oh, it'll be *something* all right," Greenbeans
uneasily agreed, glancing over at His lordship Chaos. He in turn
gave her the lost angelic smile, the halo over his head shining so
brightly that not a Senshi there could see the li'l devil's
pitchfork he had behind his back.
     "It'll be good to have an author portray us accurately for
once," Minako stated. She then lamented, "I mean, everyone makes us
out to be a group of lesbian nymphomaniacs."

His lordship Chaos: [???] "Aren't you?"

Minako's fist: *WHAM!!*

     "As I was saying," the Senshi of Love said, turning away from
the large Chaos-shaped hole in the wall. "We're friends, but not
like that. Except for Haruka and Michiru."
     Makoto sighed and looked out the window. "Knowing the libido
of those two, they're probably out testing the shock absorbers of
their convertible right now. I wish I could be there too...."
     She abruptly paused in sensing everyone else staring at her.
Makoto quickly laughed and waved her hands in protest. "I just
admire Haruka-san, that's all!" she defended herself, as the kana
for "I'm not bi-sexual!" scrolled in behind her.
     Sean took out a cell phone and started punching in a number.
"If we want a 'Masterperv Theatre' type of lemon, then we should
call in a professional. I'll contact Havoc."

Authors: "NO WAY."

His lordship Chaos: "Sean, that is like dousing a forest fire in
rocket fuel. I should know; I helped write that uberperv fanboy.
Havoc'll set up the rest of the fic with himself as the
all-perverted Dojilord. (o.O;) Saaaay, that's not a bad idea."

Greenbeans: "I don't want to be here any more than I have to. No
Havoc."

Sean: [sigh!] "You have no sense of adventure."

Greenbeans: "I like my panties where they are, thank you very
much."

Todd: "Didn't you leave them in the bathtub with Quistis?"

Greenbeans: ^^;; "Shut up, Todd."


                         *    *    *
     Well, all that talk of actually doing a decent lemon was
starting to take its toll on the authors, so they called a quick
break. His lordship Chaos and Todd lined up at the urinals in the
men's bathroom, nonchalantly analyzing the last scene.
     "Think we're making progress?" Todd asked.
     "I guess," His lordship Chaos remarked. "It's not like we're
covering cliches that are new. But patience is a virtue. Remember:
if we write it, they will cum."
     "Chaos, you don't have any virtue," Todd stated.
     His lordship Chaos momentarily pondered that. "You know
something, you're right! I guess we'll just have to work with my
twisted ecchi ideas instead!"
     Todd shook his head. "I'm still not sure why we have to do all
this perverted homework."
     "You'll see soon enough."
     The two suddenly paused when someone walked into the men's
room and took the empty urinal stall between them. Todd and Chaos
sweatdropped as the newcomer nonchalantly made use of the urinal.
Both authors warily glanced up at the third person, and then down
into that person's stall.

Haruka: "You two have a problem?"

Todd & His lordship Chaos: ^^; [studying the ceiling tiles] "Nope!"


                         *    *    *
     Upon quickly fleeing the men's bathroom, Todd and His lordship
Chaos rejoined the group. A number of the Senshi had already
excused themselves, but those remaining were still talking about
being written so out of character in lemons.
     "...and you otaku seem to think poor Rei-chan has some kind of
Bondage & Discipline fetish too," Ami stated, shaking her head.
"Rei-chan's not like that; she is intense, but she's not a
dominatrix or love slave."
     Todd looked around as he took his seat. Where he took it to,
we're not sure. Probably Tahiti. "Ne, has anyone seen where Sean
disappeared to?"


                         *    *    *
     Somewhere else, in an undisclosed part of the Hikawa Temple,
Sean found himself unexpectedly tied down to a chair. But at least
he'd been tied down with silk stockings instead of rope. They don't
chafe your wrists as much...not that this narrator would know
anything about that.
     "Um...hello?" he called out. "Did I win the Publisher's
Clearinghouse sweepstakes? Anyone there? Beanie? Todd? Chaos?
Chief? McCloud!"
     "I'm here," a voice purred from one of the darkened corners.
     And then out from the shadows appeared a leather-clad,
whip-toting dominatrix version of Rei!

Sean: o.O;; "Kyaaa! Succubus!!!"

     At the risk of stating the obvious, Sean panicked. On the
other hand, Rei did indeed look good in fishnet stockings.
     She turned on a small tape player in the corner, and started
to dance along with the song from Stealers Wheels: Stuck In The
Middle With You. All the while she brandished her whip as she
started to remove some of her all-leather-cow accessories.
     An evil smile was on her face as she slowly tilted Sean's chin
up with the handle of her whip.

Rei: >) "Now then, are you ready to call me The Queen?"

Stealers Wheels: [singing] "Here I am, stuck in the middle with
you!"

Sean: [frantically hopping away in his chair] "Damn you, Tarantino!
Damn you!"


                         *    *    *
     "Well, that was enlightening and eventful, wasn't it?" His
lordship Chaos cheerfully remarked as he, Todd, Greenbeans, and a
slightly bruised Sean left the Crown restaurant. "So many perverted
cliches, so little time. I tell you, I've got a good feeling about
this lemon spoof."

Authors: --;; "......"

His lordship Chaos: "It's not the feeling in my pants, okay?!"

     Rolling his eyes, Todd glanced down the street. "So just how
are we going to get back to...wherever that Dead Moon Circus bar
is?"
     "I am NOT going back there," Greenbeans stated emphatically,
crossing her arms over her chest. "Someone tried to use some hentai
pick-up lines on me, and I don't want it repeated again."

     [Cue the nekkid flashback sequence!]

Black Lady: [smiling seductively at the bean] "You. Me. Whipped
Cream. Fuzzy pink handcuffs. Any questions?"

Todd: [raising his hand] "Is the whipped cream low-fat?"

Greenbeans: "Stop encouraging her!!"

Todd: "Well it doesn't hurt to ask, does it."

     [Anyhoo....]

     "Don't worry," His lordship Chaos reassured her. "We're not
going there. The bar was only a one-shot location. If we're to do
a lemon properly, we have to make sure the story's partially
incoherent."
     
Greenbeans: [whew!] "Good."

His lordship Chaos: ^-^ "So we're going to the girls' change room
of Jyuban High School instead!"

     [Greenbeans facevaults!]

     "I don't see what the problem is," Todd remarked. "Do you?"
     Sean shook his head. "Can't think of any myself."
     "Now, all we need is a taxi," His lordship Chaos said,
stepping over the bean's twitching body.
     A sweatdrop appeared next to Todd' head. "Um...we're authors.
Can't we just do some kind of omnipotent teleport thingy instead of
taking a car?"
     "We'd probably have to strip naked or something in order to
teleport," Sean laughed. 
     He stopped laughing when Chaos asked, "How'd you know?"
     "Great," Greenbeans said. "So we have to take a cab. I hope
somebody here has money--and it had better be all in Yen currency
too."
     "Like those kind of trivial details are ever addressed in
hentaifics," Todd countered. "So where can we find a cab?"

Umino: [stretching out his arms] "Can't you hear it? The sound of
the End of the Lemon!"

Todd: o.O; [recoiling in surprise] "Where'd you come from?!"

     [Cue the sounds of a car revving its engine!]

Umino: [ripping open his jacket to display his no-so-manly, bare
chest!] "Now then, let us show you the End of the Lemon!"

Todd: --;; [bringing out a self-propelled 155mm mortar] "And let me
show you the End of your Cameo, buddy."

     Suddenly a red Stingray convertible pulled up in front of the
four authors. The driver, with his dark skin and light purple hair,
was reclining in his front seat. His jacket was left open,
revealing his bare chest. With a cocky grin he turned to the
stunned group of authors.

Akio: "Need a lift?"

Sean: ^-^ [running up to the car] "The Akiomobile! I've always
dreamed of meeting it in the flesh. Akio-sama, may I run my hands
along its hot, pulsating hood?"
 
Akio: [grinning] "Of course. And maybe later we can take a ride."

Sean: [pausing] "......"

Todd: o.O; [turning to the readers] "Run as fast as you can and
don't look back."

Greenbeans: o.O; "Sean, you're not actually considering it, are
you?!"

Sean: [shrug!] "Worth it to touch the Akiomobile."

     "Sean, get away from the car!" His lordship Chaos stated. "You
can fondle Haruka's convertible if you want to later."
     Greenbeans shook her head at Sean. "Like I want to see someone
write a 'Crash' style fic with Haruka and Michiru getting their
rocks off by demolishing cars."
     "What is Utena's resident sex freak doing in our Sailormoon
lemon anyways?" Todd inquired darkly, looking at Chaos.
     His lordship Chaos shook his head. "I haven't the slightest
idea," he answered, his eyebrow twitching. "Bad enough he's banged
his sister, and countless of the male and female characters in his
own series...but why did he have to come here?"
     "Oh, didn't you know?" came a familiar voice from the backseat
of the Akiocar. "He's our new chauffeur."
     Everyone's heads snapped over to the backseat...only to see
Seiya, Taiki and Yaten sitting there.

Starlights: ^-^ "Ohayo!"

Authors: >.< [twitch twitch!] "Uso...."

     "Suddenly it all makes perfect sense," Greenbeans said, still
trying to recover from the shock. "Who better to escort the icky
transsexual Senshi wanna-be's but him?"
     Then out from the sky appeared an enormous no-so-Gentle
Uterus, falling from above with then explicit intent on crushing
the beloved authoress! Upon it was a sign that read: Ye Starlight
Fans' Anger.
     "It's going to crush Amanda-chan!" Sean exclaimed. "We need a
stunt double!"
     His lordship Chaos pointed to Todd. "Cannon Fodder Boy, you're
up!"

Todd: [staunchly refusing] "Make me."

Tamagoyaki: ^-^ [with particle cannon!] "You do realize that having
all your molecules in one place is a privilege, not a right. Ne?"

Todd: --;; "Hai."

     Resignedly, Todd shuffled over next to Greenbeans. Strangely
enough, the not-so-Gentle Uterus then decided to change its
trajectory and instead crashed directly on Todd. Greenbeans was
left unharmed, and there was much rejoicing!

Todd: --;; [still under the uterus] "Yay."


                         *    *    *
     Returning to the lemon at hand (which is indeed worth two in
the bush), the authors regrouped at Jyuban High's change rooms. Yet
the locker room was oddly void of nubile female students and
rampant nekkid flashes. This naturally raised questions about what
kind of lemon this was.
     Was it a half-assed lemon?
     Was it a whole-assed lemon?
     And if the latter was the case, would all of you reading this
then be Sailor Mooned by said ass?
     Todd was the last of the four authors to enter the girls'
change room, busy checking out a copy of "Pretty Fly (For A
Hentai)" to see what all the death threats and lawsuits were about.
     "Now then," His lordship Chaos said as he sat on one of the
changing benches, consulting his notepad. "I think we've gathered
all the information we need. All that remains is for us to build
the ultimate hentai."
     Greenbeans vocalized her uneasiness yet again. "Is this really
necessary?" she asked, leaning against a locker. "Couldn't we just
wave a bunch of panties in the air and call it a fic?"
     "Perish the thought!" Sean countered, dramatically leaping on
top of the bench. "We need more whips and leather! We need more
strap-ons and accessories! We need--!!"
     "A brain?" Todd suggested.
     His lordship Chaos paused in consideration. "You know, that's
such a crazy idea for a hentai, it just might work!"

Authors: "......"

His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [sincere smile!] "Hey, I'm a very
thoughtful author here. I write fics with integrity. I give
sophistication to all the Senshi. I--"

Greenbeans: [dryly] "Have every last volume of Lunatic Party."

His lordship Chaos: ^-^;; [pointing a threatening finger at the
bean] "Shut up."

     Todd looked up from the 'Pretty Fly 1' script. "Can I borrow
those? I only have about half of them from scans I found online."
     Sean shrugged his shoulders. "Those doujinshi always come back
to haunt you," he remarked to Todd. "Trust me, my avatar speaks
from personal experience."
     Todd's eyebrow twitched as he scanned through a part of the
original script. "Chaos, according to this, you were in a bathtub
with Sailor Pluto. Something you wish to share?"

His lordship Chaos: ^-^ [angelic halo] "Ano...I like older women?"

Greenbeans: "Older? Chaos, you dolt, Setsuna is thousands of years
older than you are!"

His lordship Chaos: "But think of all the techniques and positions
she's mastered!"

     [Greenbeans facevaults!]

Todd: [looking down at the bean] "She does that a lot, I note."

His lordship Chaos: ^^v "And she's so cute when she does that too."

     Sean was busy trying to work through the logistics of Setsuna
getting some from all over time and space. "But...if Setsuna's done
so many guys, won't she be as wide as a barn? No clenching muscles
whatsoever."
     "Oh, would you rather have her getting some while she's a
corpse?" Chaos retorted.
     Sean visibly blanched. "Reminding me of that fic was just
uncalled for."
     "Some might argue that 'Coming of Munhihausen' was uncalled
for in the first place," Todd added.
     His lordship Chaos cracked his knuckles, eager to get into his
work with every tool he could...no, that sounds too gang-bangish.
How about His lordship Chaos was eager to plunge into as-of-yet
uncharted depths...no, not quite. Let's try, His lordship Chaos
dipped his body in a mixture of rum and honey, anxious to be moist
and tasty--
     o.O;; Where the hell did that come from? 
     Who's been screwing around with this narrator's copy of the
script?!
     "Let's build us the best damned lemon out there!" Chaos stated
dramatically.
     Todd elbowed Sean. "Of course, like all lemons, it has to be
as artificial as possible. How many sex scenes do you know evolved
naturally?"
     Sean opened his mouth. Then, oddly enough, he flushed and
closed his mouth again. "No comment," he coughed.
     "And how do you propose to build an uber-ecchi fanfic that
won't get us all flamed?" Greenbeans inquired.
     In response, Chaos tossed her a very thick, three-ring binder.
Her eyebrows twitched as she saw the title printed on the front:
     HENTAI INSTRUMENTALITY PROJECT.


                         *    *    *
     Changing scenes for no good, coherent reason (unless an
author's whim counts), the four authors regrouped in Professor
Tomoe's lab basement. The lights were dim as always, though the
professor was nowhere to be seen. More than likely he was off doing
Kaolinite. Yet his diabolical lab was being put to good use in his
absence. 
     Dressed up in doctor's scrubs, complete with a facemask over
his mouth, His lordship Chaos fatefully made his way over to an
operating table. There they would create the ultimate lemon-fresh
being. The procedure was tricky, involving the splicing and
recombination of countless SM hentai plot devices. 
     Some cliches might reject their new host. Others might fight
with cliches of a different tongue and texture. But if they could
pull it off...he would no doubt hog all the glory for himself.
     Chaos flexed his gloved fingers and then glanced over his
shoulders to the others. "Ready?"
     Sean casually strolled around the lab, trying to look
nonchalant, and more importantly trying to blend into the walls. 
He wandered past the tables with evil chemicals and used daimon
eggs, slowly but surely making his way towards the staircase.
     "Sean!" Greenbeans yelled after him.
     Sean leaped into the air. "What? Huh? I'm innocent!"
     "You are NOT going to visit Hotaru! Besides, if Tomoe still
has a lab, she's likely still 14 or 15."
     Sean grumbled and headed back towards the lab.  "Oh, all
right..rassing frassing rick rastardly...." he mumbled under his
breath.
     Todd glanced over at one of the Erlenmeyer flasks positioned
over an open flame. With a great deal of curiosity, he dipped his
fingertip into the burbling purple liquid within the flask.
Studying it for a moment, Todd then tried a taste test. "Hey, what
do you know?" he said to the others. "Daimon compounds really do
taste like Jello."
     Rolling her eyes at both Todd and Sean, Greenbeans had her
continuing survival firmly in mind. There had to be a locker with
face shields, gloves, aprons, something, anything to protect her
around here somewhere. Opening up one promising locker, she found
a rubber suit with a star on its forehead.
     "Look, a blow-up mad scientist doll!" Todd pulled on one of
its rubber fingers.
     "This discovery makes the end of the S season so very wrong,"
Beans muttered before slamming the locker shut. Todd quickly
withdrew his hand before it was squished, then gave the bean a hurt
look.
     "What if you'd crushed my hand? Would you have kissed it to
make it better?" he pouted.
     "......"
     Chaos called the others to the operating table, making sure
they were wearing the proper protection. Todd lowered his welding
mask and then lit his acetylene torch. Sean sheathed a set of hedge
clippers over his back and then tugged down on his black fedora.
     Greenbeans looked down at the giant rubber condom she had been
stuffed into. "Do I even want to know why I'm wearing this?" she
inquired.
     "Ignorance is bliss," Todd replied evenly.
     And with that, the surgery began.

His lordship Chaos: [working away] "Scalpel."

Todd: "Okay, now we need to stitch in some extra tentacles. You
can't have a hentai without naughty tentacles now."

Sean: "I need a retractor. And some nipple clamps."

His lordship Chaos: "Ooooh, we've got a Jello leak. I need a
sponge!"

Greenbeans: [turning her head sideways] "Is it supposed to be
sticking up that way?"

Todd: [grope grope!] "Her bosoms can't be any more than a C, when
the manual specifically calls for a DD cup. Sean, does this feel
like a D cup to you?"

     At last, after three minutes of work and absolutely no
poignant thought put into it, the creation was at last complete. It
laid out before them...doing nothing at all.
     "It seems a little...unresponsive," Todd remarked, scratching
his head in confusion.
     "I always get yelled at when I just lay there," Sean said.
     Greenbeans shook her head as her computer-oriented mind tried
to solve the problem. "So how do we turn it on?"
     Yet His lordship Chaos already had a solution. He dutifully
handed Greenbeans a Hello Kitty vibrator. "She's battery-operated.
You can have the pleasure of, as you so ecchily put it, turning her
on."

Greenbeans: --;; "Oh goodie. But if this is supposed to be a
battery, then just where am I supposed to put...(o.O;) You can't be
serious."

     "It's okay," Sean soothed her. "You're wearing rubber, after
all."
     The bean immediately bopped him on the head with the vibrator.
"Baka!"
     And so, with much cajoling and buttered popcorn, Greenbeans
*cough cough* activated the ultimate hentai plot device. 
     "This is it," His lordship Chaos cackled maniacally. "We have
brought to life the most perverted lemon known to otaku! Rise, my
Frankenfic! RISE!!!"

Todd: [looking at Chaos] "You really need to get out more."

Sean: [looking at the creation] "And I only see one part of it
that's rising."

Greenbeans: [turning around] "That's it. I'm leaving."

     "You can't leave yet, the lemon's only just begun," His
lordship Chaos countered, grabbing Greenbeans by the back of her
collar. He gestured to the creation laid out on the operating
table. "Look at this masterful work of art! We have spliced
together every single cliche from Sailormoon lemons. And we
reanimated to perverted perfection." He sighed wistfully. "You
know, it's at times like this...that I want to do a Village People
dance montage!"

Authors: o.O; "WHAT?!"

     But His lordship Chaos had already found the lever to his
Medusa machine and pulled it down. "Prepare for the floorshow!" he
proclaimed.
     Suddenly all nine Sailor Senshi appeared onstage--and in thong
bikinis, no less! And led by the indomitably underdressed
Greenbeans, they all proceeded to do a very genki dance number with
lots of panty shots and bouncing cleavage!

     [Cue the Village People song: YMCA!]

Greenbeans: ^^ [singing] "Senshi, there's no need to check out
boys! I said--"

All: "Senshi!"

Greenbeans: "We all know they've gone yaoi. I said--"

All: "Senshi!"

All: "There's no need to not be ecchi."

     [All you readers out there, join in by spelling each letter
with your body!]

Greenbeans: "Let me tell ya 'bout--"

Senshi: "Y-U-R-I!"

Greenbeans: "It's so cool to go--"

Senshi: "Y-U-R-I!"

     [Suddenly a loud cannon explosion sounds off in the distance!
The bikini-clad goddesses of love and fanservice all frantically
scatter as we see the approaching outline of a Viking ship!
Tentacled monsters, wearing their Nordic horned hats, wave their
appendages in the air as they sound off their attack!]

Tentacle monster: "Nubile young babes sighted off the port bow,
Sir!"

Captain Todd: [he's got his own Viking hat too ^^v] "Excellent.
Onwards, for the glory of the Gainax bounce!"

     [Cue the music for: In The Navy!]

Viking tentacle-thingies: "We want you! We want you! We want you as
our latest screw! We want you! We want you! We want you as our
latest screw!"

Cptn Todd: [singing] "Boff a Senshi!"

Viking Doji-beast #1: "They're strong and cute and fine."

Cptn Todd: "Boff a Senshi!"

Viking Doji-beast #2: "Their libido blows your mind!"

Viking Doji-beast #3: ^-^ "Among other things."

All: "Boff a Senshi! Boff a Senshi!"

     [Suddenly the Viking boat is victim of an untimely hole in the
plot and sinks without warning!] 

Cptn. Todd: "Dammit! That was supposed to be my big scene!" 

Viking Doji-beast #2: [thrashing about in the water] "Help me! I
can't swim!" 

Viking Doji-beast #1: "Stand up, you twit. The water is only 4
inches deep." 

Viking Doji-beast #2: [standing up] "I knew that." 

Todd: --;;  "Okay, that's it. I'm calling the casting department.
How did I get stuck with these idiots?"

     [And yet, somehow, the show must go on. Cue the four generals,
led by Tuxedo Kamen...who's only dressed in a mask, cape, tophat
and black Speedos. They all link arms and start to linedance! And
off-stage, sulking to himself, is Sean. Cue the music for: Macho
Man!]

Mamoru & generals: [singing] "Shonen, shonen ai! I've got to be a
shonen ai!"

Sean: --;; "No WAY I'm singing in this number. Why couldn't I have
been with the Y-U-R-I production?"

     The floorshow abruptly came to an end as, with a tremendous
moan of ecstasy that no doubt woke up all of Tokyo, the creation
upon their operating table came to life.
     Pardon the pun.
     Actually...no, that pun was deliberate.
     HA HA! Long live innuendo!
     "Behold my Frankenfic," His lordship Chaos proclaimed, raising
his arms to welcome the creation into existence. "She is the
ultimate SM hentai plot device ever created!!"
     Greenbeans stepped back, her eyes warily looking down at the
creation, then up to Chaos and finally back down to the creation.
"Um...why does it look like ChibiChibi?"

     [His lordship Chaos facevaults!]

     "Maybe it's because every single SM character, boiled down and
squashed and lemoned, oddly looks like her," Sean suggested.
     Greenbeans and Todd slowly turned and gave him funny looks.
     "Trust me, use Photoshop," Sean reassured them.
     His lordship Chaos pulled himself off the floor, an agitated
eyebrow twitching as he surveyed the small-bodied and large-headed
ChibiChibi. Numerous sweatdrops could be seen orbiting his own
head. "Okay, obviously someone botched when they sent me the
assembly manual," he growled, flipping through the pages of
instructions. "What the? This is all in Swahili!"
     As a thoroughly unamused and disillusioned Chaos scrambled
around the lab in the vain hopes of remedying this really
disturbing development, the other authors decided to take a break
and relax.
     "Why does he want to make a lemon anyways?" Greenbeans asked
as she absently watched His lordship Chaos scuttle from one test
machine to another. "Lemons suck."

Todd: ^-^ "The Senshi are prone to doing that too, I note."

Sean: ^-^ "Yes, but do they swallow?"
     
Greenbeans: --;; "Shut up, you two." 

     She cleared a space one of the lab counters and hoisted
herself up to sit on the edge. "By definition alone, a lemon is an
inferior fic. Any Anime is destroyed by the lemon genre."
     Sean let out a laborous sigh. "That's just a sad
generalization. Some Sailormoon lemons have managed to surpass
their otherwise tame companions found in regular archives."
     "Oh yeah?" Greenbeans retorted. "Name one."

Sean: "The Anniversary series."

Todd: "Artemis' Lover."

Greenbeans: --; "Anooo...that one isn't famous for GOOD reasons."

Todd: "Okay, how about Sailors Enslaved?"

     "Well, I guess there are exceptions to every rule, Greenbeans
conceded. "But let's face it: most hentai fanfics are bad for 3
reasons. First: poor spelling, grammar and formatting. Second: poor
knowledge of sexual acts."
     "Just how can a guy thrust into a woman's clitoris anyways?"
Todd remarked offhand to Sean.
     Sean shrugged. "With great difficulty, I imagine. Unless she's
made from liquid metal, I haven't a clue."
     "And three," Greenbeans finished. "The Senshi being portrayed
heavily out of character. This tends to be epitomized in lemons
more than any other genre of SM fanfiction."
     
Sean: [nod nod!] "I'll say! Look at Mamoru; half the lemons he's in
portray him as a sensitive, red hot lover--and we all know he has
all the sexual charisma of a doorstop."

     [Cue the greenhouse full of roses (courtesy of rabid Mamoru
fans out there) that suddenly falls from the sky and lands on a
hapless Todd Foster!]

Sean: o.O; [looking down at Todd] "You really ARE cannon fodder."

Todd: --;; "And that's supposed to make me happy?"

Greenbeans: [opening the door] "Wow, these are Jackson & Perkin's
roses! They're not skimping on the quality. When they smite you,
they smite you with the good stuff."

Todd: [sigh!] "It's nice to know that I'm loved."

     "Now as for me," Greenbeans said as she helped pull Todd out
from beneath the greenhouse. "I want a good feel-up of my
characters, so I know everything about them and can write them
accurately."
     "'Feel-up'?" Sean inquired with a fair degree of amusement.
     Greenbeans blushed. "I meant 'feel'! Feel!" She gave a
diplomatic cough and tried to ignore her momentary bout of
ecchiness. "You see, this sort of thing applies to virtually ALL
lemons: a lack of originality. Nothing ever really changes, except
for the backdrop, the pairs and the positions. Rarely a thing to
write home about."
     "Maybe it's just the frequency of the pairing," Sean
suggested. "Though it's gotten to the point where you can say that
about everything except 10-Senshi daisy chains.
     Todd pondered that last remark for a moment. "Has there
actually be a 10-Senshi daisy chain before?"

Greenbeans: o.O;;

Sean: [waving a hand in front of her face] "I think we finally
shattered her mind."

Todd: [shrug!] "Hey, it was a valid question."

     The three of them turned around as His lordship Chaos
approached. Still shaking his head in frustration he told them,
"Well, it looks like we're stuck with her. If we want another plot
device, we'll have to wait four to six weeks for delivery. And I
want my lemon now, dammit! Bring me my nekkid flashes!"
     At the risk of stating the obvious, Todd, Sean and Greenbeans
all stared at Chaos with jaws agape and eyes wide in disbelief.
     "You're actually going to use ChibiChibi?" Todd said. "Are you
insane, man?!"
     "Ha!" His lordship Chaos scoffed. "I'm the worst kind of
hentai author out there: I'm not insane, I know exactly what I'm
doing."
     "No, you don't," Todd retorted.
     Chaos paused and then nodded. "You're absolutely right, Todd;
I'm faking it. and I'm willing to bet that when it comes to
screwing an author avatar, so do a lot of the Senshi."

     [Cue the facevaults!]

     With a roll of his eyes, Sean stuck his hands in his pockets
and sauntered over to the operating table. "We might as well get
this turkey over with, then." He abruptly found the table
noticeably unoccupied. "Um...Chaos? Just where is ChibiChibi?"
     His lordship Chaos thumbed over to a large metallic
contraption of gears, cables, conduits and flashy beeping lights.
"Oh, she's in the libido test chamber. The manual said to determine
her endurance levels before unleashing her upon the unsuspecting
public. Something about making sure the author doesn't made an ass
of himself in front of everyone else."

Todd, Sean & Greenbeans: "Too late."

     Suddenly the Deathbuster lab was rocked by a tremendous
explosion. Everyone frantically ducked as pieces of metal shrapnel
shot through the air, black smoke flooding the area. All the lights
in the already dimly-lit lab vanished, replaced moments later by
the ominous red glow of the emergency lighting.
     Sean winced as he shielded his eyes from the blast. "By the
bras of Queen Beryl!" 
     Everyone stopped and slowly looked at him. "Um...jinkies?" he
ventured. "How about, 'Houston, we have a problem'?"
     Todd carefully made his way over to the origin of the blast,
stepping around the many small fires that were crackling on the
floor. "It's the libido test chamber!" he called out to the others.
"And it's really totaled."
     "Any sign of ChibiChibi?" Greenbeans asked, fumbling around
the area for a fire extinguisher.
     "Nothing." Todd kicked at a burnt piece of metal, shaking his
head. "Either she got fried, or...."
     His voice trailed off as he turned his head and caught sight
of a gaping hole in the wall. Sunlight from outside trickled in.
But what made him freeze in stunned horror was the particular shape
the hole was.
     "We are SO dead," Todd stated.
     Coughing as he waved aside the lingering wisps of smoke, Chaos
stepped in front of the other three authors and called for them to
regroup. "Now before any of you get the wrong idea, panic and run
around screaming like a girl, let me calmly explain." 
     He glanced back at the smoking remains of the test machines,
and to the large ChibiChibi-shaped hole in the wall. His lordship
Chaos then returned his gaze to the three gawking authors. "Our
lemon's hit a little snag."
     "'Little?'" Todd inquired incredulously. "ChibiChibi just
escaped!"
     His lordship Chaos gave them all a most sincere, angelic
smile. "Um...oops?"


     [We abruptly cut to a Galaxy TV logo, followed by a news
studio. Sailor Aluminum Siren, is seated on one of the chairs
behind the desk, calmly eating a bento box lunch.]

Sailor Lead Crow: [running to her own chair behind the desk] "We
interrupt this lemon again with a Senshi nekkid flash!" 

Sailor Aluminum Siren: "Today's top story: world to end in an hour!
Details tonight at eleven."

Sailor Lead Crow: "What the?! The world is not going to end in an
hour! How can we do a newscast on it later then?"

Sailor Aluminum Siren: "Ano...."

Sailor Lead Crow: "What source did you get that article from?"

Sailor Aluminum Siren: [surprised] "Why, it must be the first of
many glitches from that Y10K bug."

     [Sailor Lead Crow facevaults out of her chair!]

Sailor Aluminum Siren: [peering down beneath the news desk]
"Crow-chan, daijobu?"

Sailor Lead Crow: [gyaaaa....] "It's like working with a six year-
old."

Sailor Aluminum Sire: "Crow-chan, we're still on."

Sailor Lead Crow: [jumping back into her chair!] "Good evening. We
have a news update on the ongoing royal scandal that has rocked
Crystal Tokyo. While Serenity and Rei's tryst is now common
knowledge, we have just learned that King Endymion has in fact been
having a secret tryst with Sailor Pluto for the past two hundred
years."

Sailor Aluminum Siren: "Setsuna must really like him to have kept
him for that long. He must be one of her 'studs of the century'."

Sailor Lead Crow: "Um...yeah. I guess. But let's go to the phones
to see what the people think about this issue."

     [Sailor Lead Crow connects with the phone lines!]

Sailor Lead Crow: "Moshi moshi?"

Beryl: ^-^ [with Jadeite still kissing her toes!] "Wazzup?!"

     [Sailor Lead Crow hangs up immediately!]

Sailor Lead Crow: --;; "Ano...evidently that was a wrong number.
Let's just go live now to our Crystal Tokyo correspondent, Sailor
Iron Mouse!"

     [The camera suddenly cuts to a scene to outdoors. Pink sakura
blossoms drift down through the air as two star-crossed lovers meet
to make their confession of love.]

Urawa: [but dubbies call him Greg] "A-Ano...."

Shinozake: [but dubbies call him Ken] "What is it?"

Urawa: "I...um...I've just realized that...."

Shinozake: "Yes?"

Urawa: [melodramatic delivery] "I LOVE YOU!!!"

Shinozake: o.O;; "You love me? Wait...I just realized I love you
too!"

Urawa: "I know; I'm psychic, remember? Now that we've got that out
of the way, let's screw our brains out!"

Shinozake: ^-^ "Hai!"

Ami & Makoto: --;; "Hey, what about us?"

Urawa: [snuggling up to Shinozake] "Oh, you get your own man. This
big boy's mine."


     [We suddenly cut back to the Galaxy TV newsroom!]

Sailor Lead Crow: o.O;; [blink blink!] "What the?"

Sailor Aluminum Siren: ^-^ "Oh, I love those romantic shows. Maybe
I should give them my business card if they want to do a follow-up
interview."

Sailor Lead Crow: [groan!] "I don't believe this. I knew I should
have listened to my mother and gone into interior decorating."

Sailor Aluminum Siren: "Aw, does my kawaii little Crow-chan need a
hug?"

Sailor Lead Crow: [irate li'l Animate] "NO!!"

Sailor Aluminum Siren: "But hugs make for foreplay."

Sailor Lead Crow: "I get the point! But you! Your stories for this
entire newscast have been absolutely pointless! Trying to resolve
how many Pluto incarnations there are in the manga makes more sense
to me than you do! I don't know what your problem is, but I bet
it's hard to pronounce!" 

Sailor Aluminum Siren: ^-^ "And that's all the time we have for
today at Galaxy TV News. Tune in next fic when you'll hear
Crow-chan say--!"

Sailor Lead Crow: "When? When?! When does the hurting stop?!" 

Sailor Aluminum Siren: [taking out her whip] "When you call me 'The
Queen', Crow-chan."

Sailor Lead Crow: o.O;;


     [End transmission.]









     OBLIGATORY AUTHOR'S NOTES BIT:


Greenbeans:

     I've been writing Sailormoon fics for over four years now and
have avoided doing a lemon up to this point.  I apologize for this
fic.  Profusely.  I'd say that I deserved whatever the punishment
for this fanfic may be... But I can't see any good coming from such
an admission.  So I'll quietly sit in my corner and bang my head
against my desk, okie?
                         -Greenbeans
                          gbeans@tyrlen.org



His lordship Chaos:

     Note: all you otaku who start giggling incessantly like a
schoolgirl at any mention of the word "bosom" should leave
immediately. This is a serious author's note of mine, and should be
treated with the utmost respect. Now, that having been said.... 

               CUE THE BIG BREASTED ANIME BABES!!! 

     Okay...so, I lied. 
     Again. 
     But I note that viewer attentiveness has suddenly skyrocketed. 
     Anyhoo, on with my author's notes.
     So there I was, happily seated on my couch, watching the
latest episode of "Totally Hidden Dragu Slave." I was minding my
own business, being a good li'l otaku and not doing any harm to my
favourite catgirl as she curled up in my lap. While I was
scratching her behind the ears, she suddenly dreamed she was
chasing after Sailor Iron Mouse and unsheathed her claws.
     Two minutes and much screaming later found me with the
shredded ribbons of what been my shirt and my dignity. Relegated to
leave the couch to my still slumbering nekojin, I retreated into
the bathroom and tried to stop the many scratch marks on my chest,
shoulders and face from profusely bleeding.
     Looking into the bathroom mirror, I realized that my fansubbed
life was severely missing something. Something poignant. Something
genki. Something scantily-clad. 
     So I stared at my reflection and began to chant, "There's no
place like Tokyo, there's no place like Tokyo...."
     Before I knew what was happening, my kawaii magical girl's
mascot appeared before me. And evil li'l gerbil that he was,
Tamagoyaki bopped me on the head with a ridiculously oversized
mallet, and scolded me for interrupting his obligatory coffee
break.
     This left me thoroughly disenchanted.
     I went back out to the living room, neatly bandaged up now.
But upon looking down at how kawaii my catgirl looked all curled up
on the couch, purring in her sleep, I realized I had to do
something else to pass the time away.
     But what could possibly be done to kill a few hours of my day?
What indeed?
     Then came the epiphany: why not write a lemon? And not just
any lemon, but a sequel to Pretty Fly (For A Hentai)!
     And there was much rejoining!!
     Panties were liberated and thrown wantonly in the air!!
     Senshi were dancing nekkid in the streets!!!
     ROSE TINT MY WORLD!!!!


     [This author's rant has been abruptly terminated due to
extreme pointlessness. We'd apologize for this inconvenience if we
actually felt guilt about it.]


                         -His lordship Chaos
                              hislordshipchaos@hotmail.com
                              carnage.fanfic.org