Off in the distance, the rays of the setting sun were still
trying to ignite the otherwise violet skies. The Tokyo skyline was
but a shadowy silhouette, making the impending night seem all the
darker. A handful of stars could be seen to twinkle amidst the
heavy layers of smog.
     The street lamps flickered to life.
     And inside the Tsukino household, a young and nubile, blonde
teenage girl had just finished off her shower. Since no one else
was around, she opted to just emerge from the bathroom as nude as
when she had been in the shower. And there was much fanservice.
Otaku everywhere rejoice!

Otaku masses: "Banzai! Banzai!"

     Usagi sighed wistfully about her time in the shower--or more
specifically, her time with the showerhead. Droplets of water still
glistened off her skin and ran down the curves of her body. She had
thoroughly enjoyed this morning's activities. And now with her
parents and Shingo gone to some sort of weekend conference, she now
had the house to herself. This made for the perfect chance to have
an "unusual" evening.
     She made a mental note of calling the other Senshi over for
their usual orgy...but not before she had some fun all to herself.
The living room curtains were closed, so she sprawled herself out
on the couch, legs spread wide apart. But just before she had the
chance to role-play the Yellow Pages (and thusly let her fingers
"do the walking"), the phone rang.
     Usagi groaned and quickly grabbed the cellular phone resting
on the coffee table. Ideally it would be one of her friends asking
to come over tonight; she didn't like the idea of having her
foreplay interrupted just to take a message for her brother.
     "Hello, Tsukino residence," she said as she activated the cell
phone.
     Came the curious reply: "Chibi chibi?"
     Usagi blinked in mild surprise. "Ano...what did you say?"
     "I asked who is this?" said an oddly clear yet ambiguous
voice. Usagi couldn't tell if the caller was male or female, but
they certainly had a playful tone to their words. Though the
'chibi' remark was still puzzling her.
     "Who is this?" she asked.

Greenbeans: [sweatdrop!] "Um...just where in the Sailormoon series
is this supposed to be? If it's post-Sailorstars, shouldn't Usagi
have already recognized ChibiChibi's obvious voice?"

Sean: "Shhhh! Onscreen sex."

Todd: "Here, have some popcorn."

Greenbeans: [argh!] "If anyone needs me, I'll be banging my head
against a wall."

     The caller responded with a question of their own. "Well who
is this?"
     Usagi laughed, figuring it to be some kind of practical joke.
Shingo had probably put one of his friends up to it. "I think you
have the wrong fanfic," she said, hanging up.
     The phone was tossed onto the coffee table, and Usagi resumed
kneading her perky li'l bosoms. But the phone rang again,
interrupting her a second time. One hand still working on her
cleavage, Usagi reached over and grabbed the phone. "Moshi moshi?"
     "Oh, I'm sorry," said the caller from before. "I guess I
dialed the wrong fanfic."
     "Too bad," Usagi said, trying not to moan over the receiver.
Her thumb moved to hang up the phone again.
     "Wait," the caller said. "Don't hang up. I want to talk to you
for a second."
     Usagi laughed and shook her head.
     "Why don't you want to talk to me?" the caller inquired,
sounding a little hurt.
     Curiosity was starting overwhelm her so much that Usagi
stopped fondling her nipples. Otaku everywhere groaned in
frustration.

Otaku Masses: --;; "Kuso!!"

     "Who is this?" Usagi asked, intrigued all the more.
     That only garnered a chuckle from the mystery caller. "Why
don't you tell me? Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine. And
what are your hobbies? How about the colour of your panties?"
     This was starting to get fun. Not to mention, Usagi found the
voice kind of sexy. She contemplated seeing if she could talk her
enigmatic guest, whoever he--or she--was into joining her and the
other Inner Senshi tonight.
      Who knew? Maybe it was Mamoru wanting to stir up their
romance with a little phone sex.
     The thought of her boyfriend made her all the more aroused.
Usagi got up from the couch and headed to the bathroom to retrieve
her robe. She kept the receiver cradled against her cheek as she
slipped her arms into the fluffy white sleeves of her housecoat.
     "What's that noise?" the caller asked.
     "I'm putting on my bathrobe," she answered in the softest and
sexiest voice she could make. That would be sure to drive Mamoru
wild on the other side.
     "Your bathrobe?" For once the caller sounded intrigued. How
easily it was for a young lady like her to tip the erotic scales.
"You going to take a shower? You know they always take showers in
lemon fanfics."
     "Well I just finished showering," she countered. 
     "Do you like Sailormoon lemons?"
     "H-Hai." Usagi blushed slightly at the brazenness of the
question. But then again, she had always done it with Mamoru, Rei,
Haruka...and virtually all the other Senshi too, for that matter.
She was still working on Setsuna, though.
     "Well, do you have a favourite?" the caller asked.
     "Hm?"
     "Oh, come on, you have to have a favourite lemon."
     After a moment of consideration, Usagi replied, "Usagi's Usual
Morning."
     "Hey, that's the one where all the Inners go out the beach,
right?"
     "Hai hai. We also visit the mall and get it on in a lingerie
store's change room too."
     "Kinky. You make me want to ask if you have a boyfriend."
     That made Usagi smile. "No," she answered, certain that was
the answer Mamoru was looking for. She opened the freezer door and
fished for some spare ice cubes. That would make this conversation
interesting really fast.
     "So who are you?" she asked, licking her lips in anticipation.
This was getting her so hot and wet that she could barely contain
herself. Mamoru was (in theory) smart enough to take a hint, and
wouldn't push it any further with the tone of voice she was using.
     "Just an ecchi caller wondering who I'm looking at."
     Usagi froze. "What?"
     Mamoru wasn't the type who went for exhibitionism. They never
tried to have sex in public places. So then if it wasn't Mamoru,
then who was it?
     She slowly turned her head and looked over her shoulder, out
the kitchen window. She couldn't see anything but the lawn and
scattered bushes of her front yard.
     "I said I was wondering who I'm talking to," the caller said.
     Usagi shook her head. This was starting to get out of hand. As
princess, she was always the one who was in control, even when the
other Senshi were around. She was the queen of the nekkid heap of
sexy soldiers. "Who are you?" she demanded.
     The laughter on the other side resonated through the receiver,
teasing her cruelly. "Who do you want me to be?"
     "So what are you trying to say?" Usagi demanded, feeling an
unusual panic slowly creep into her system.
     "I'm saying--" The caller's voice suddenly dropping to a
frighteningly low tone. "--do you want to get your brains fucked
out tonight, Usagi?"
     She growled, clenching the receiver tightly. The ice cubes
fell from her hand and clattered to the floor. "Is this some kind
of joke?" she said. If it was her Mamo-chan or any of her friends,
they had gone way too far with this call.
     "More of an ecchi game, really. Can you handle
that...odango-atama?"
     Usagi hung up on the caller instantly. 
     "I'm too tired to play this game," she muttered, though her
voice didn't sound as unconcerned or confident as she had wanted it
to.
     The phone suddenly rang. 
     Usagi jumped, realizing she was still gripping the receiver.
Against her better judgement she answered the call. "Don't you read
Sailormoon lemons?" the caller snapped. "You never say 'I am so
tired tonight.' It's a deathwish to get laid. You might as well
protest getting raped by someone, only to suddenly enjoy it three
seconds later and beg for more."
     That struck a nerve with her.
     She was the pretty soldier Sailor Moon. She kicked youma's
asses on a regular basis and always got home with enough time left
in the evening for a menage a trois! 
     "Listen buddy, you had better stop this," she stated. "I'm a
Sailor Senshi, and so are all my friends. Not to mention my
boyfriend will be here soon, and he'll be pissed."
     That didn't seem to instill any fear in her antagonist. "I
thought you didn't have a boyfriend," the caller nonchalantly
remarked.
     "I do have a boyfriend!" she exclaimed. "He's big and he saves
the day and he'll shove a rose up your ass after making some lame
speech about protecting the world!"
     "Oooh, I'm shaking now." The caller was more amused than
scared off by this fact. "But his name wouldn't happen to
be...Mamoru, would it?"
     Usagi's blue eyes widened in horror. "H-How do you know that?"
she stammered.
     "Turn on the patio lights out back," the caller instructed.
     Her heart pounding rapidly in her chest, Usagi made her way
down the hallway. This sounded like a threat against her Mamo-chan!
Of course...if this caller was female, that made perfect sense.
Mamoru always seemed to be so willingly hypnotized or seduced by
some evil, vamped-up bimbo who liked to flash a lot of cleavage.
     Usagi reached the patio doors and looked out through the
glass. Without the backyard lights on, it was impossible to see
anything. A trembling finger flicked on the lightswitch.
     And there outside was a hapless Mamoru: nekkid, tied up and on
the lap of a dominatrix daimon who was busy spanking him for being
such a naughty little Earth prince!

Saddam Hussein daimon: [spank spank!] "Oh yeah, you like that don't
ya, bitch?"

Mamoru: ^^ "More! More!"

     "Mamo-chan!" Usagi exclaimed indignantly. She was about to
step outside when she heard the amused laughter over the phone from
her antagonist caller. 
     "Yes, why don't you go outside? There's never more than one
oversexed daimon out there, ne?"
     She froze, realizing that such hormonally-enriched creatures
always traveled in packs. Usagi stepped away from the patio doors.
"What do you want?" she asked in a low voice.
     "I want to play a game with you."
     "What kind of a game?"
     "Turn off the light and you'll see what kind of ecchi game."
The caller waited until after Usagi had complied and turned off the
patio lights. This person was definitely watching her. But from
where? And who could be this evil and perverted?
     As far as Usagi could recall, all the previous female villains
she'd faced either were converted or killed off. This didn't look
good for her at all.
     "Here's how we play," the caller explained. "I ask a perverted
question. If you get it right, Mamoru won't have a swollen ass
tomorrow. I can imagine if he's a little sore, you won't be getting
some from him for a few weeks. And how frustrated will that make
you?"
     "There's always my friends," she retorted weakly.
     "But it's still not the same with a strap-on, is it? It's an
easy game to play, Usagi. Come on, I'll give you a warm-up
question: how many Senshi has your brother Shingo slept with?"
     She thought frantically about what the answer could be.
     "Come on, your foreplay with Mamoru depends on it."
     "Um...does that include myself?" she blurted out.
     "......"
     "It was only once!" she exclaimed. "And we were dying in some
earthquake! Or at least that's what he told me afterwards."
     The caller made some kind of exasperated groan on the other
side. "Just answer the question."
     "All the Inners--except for Ami, I think," Usagi replied. "And
I'm pretty sure he went after Hotaru once too."
     "Very good!" the caller congratulated her. "Now for the real
question. Name the crossover character who's appeared in the most
Sailormoon lemonfics."
     "Um...Ranma Saotome?" Usagi hazarded.
     The caller sighed in disappointment. "I'm sorry, wrong answer.
You should know that it was Kurama from Yuu Yuu Hakusho. I guess
Mamoru gets to spend the night being spanked."
     Frantic, Usagi raced back down the hall and turned on the
porch light. To her aroused horror, the youma had now taken out a
large wooden paddle and was rapidly swatting Mamoru's rather pink
butt. At this rate, her boyfriend would be lucky to sit anywhere
without a plastic donut to cushion his rear end.
     "You bastard!" she exclaimed over the phone before hanging it
up. She them slammed her hand down on the lightswitch. Leaving
Mamoru to the darkness, Usagi stormed off down the hall and headed
for her room. It was time to call the other Senshi.
     Suddenly the phone rang again.
     As much as she didn't want to, she answered it. "Hello?"
     "Hey," the caller stated, sounding rather unimpressed with her
attitude. "We're not finished yet. Final question: how many
tentacles do I have?"
     Usagi stopped walking through the house, a puzzled expression
on her face. "What?"
     Suddenly the closet door behind her flew open with a crash,
and out from the coats emerged her assailant.
     It looked like Tuxedo Kamen...kind of.
     Except that this Tuxedo Kamen was absurdly shrunk, lucky to
come up to her knees. Not to mention while the tuxedo, gloves and
tophat were all identical to Mamoru's, over the face was a white,
ghoulish-looking mask, the jaws stretched exaggeratedly low. Yet
there was the unmistakable Tuxedo Kamen eyemask over the ghoulish
facemask.
     "Chibi Chibi?" the midget Kamen said.
     Usagi stared at the midget Tuxedo Kamen ghoul, its right hand
raised and wielding a dildo! Before she could react, the
Chibi-Kamen charged. Usagi screamed as the Chibi-Kamen tackled her.
     Moments later the screams turned into moans of ecstasy.



                STILL PRETTY FLY (FOR A HENTAI)
                                
             Part 3: I Know Who You Did Last Lemon
                                
                                
                                
                                
                                
                Rated R (Ridiculously perverted)



     There is nothing wrong with your fanfic. 
     Do not attempt to adjust the webpage. 
     We are now in control of the plotline--such as it is. 
     We control the spellchecker...and the character profiles. We
can delude you with a thousand orgies, or expand one single
tentacle to crystal clarity and beyond. We can shape your erotic
fuku-clad fantasies to anything our ecchi imaginations can
conceive. For this next fic, we will be controlling all that you
fondle and grope.
     You are about to experience the awe and hentai which reaches
from the deepest inner perv to...the Outer Lemons.
     More to come from Sean Gaffney, Greenbeans, Todd Foster and
His lordship Chaos. 


                         *    *    *
     Well, yet another part of the lemon has come (much like the
Senshi) and gone, and what do we have to show for it? Lots of silly
giggling and plenty of gratuitous panty shots. Now that you readers
have read the first two parts, it's pretty easy to see where this
last chapter will go. 
     Straight to hell in a handbasket, you say? 
     Ha! This narrator argues we've been there since the first
sentence of part 1!
     "So ChibiChibi escaped," Sean said to the other authors who
were anxiously pacing the floor of the Tomoe lab. He leaned back in
his chair. "What's the worst she could do? She's a disgustingly
cute midget!"
     "The most oversexed, disgustingly cute midget SM fanfiction
has ever seen too," Greenbeans retorted.
     Todd shook his head as he drank up another test tube of the
daimon Jello. "They said the same thing about Pikachu...yet look at
all the lemons with him. But what we need to do is put a positive
spin on this, and we'll be fine. No flames, no evil otaku burning
us at the stake for being Sailormoon heretics."
     Both Sean and Greenbeans sweatdropped.
     "Where did that come from?" Sean asked.
     Todd pointed over to His lordship Chaos, who was busy trying
to fend off an overly amorous Kaolinite blow-up doll. "Ask Doctor
Feelgood about the last group of authors he worked with."
     "You three are overreacting," His lordship Chaos calmly
explained to the others. He paused to swat the doll from glomping
onto him yet again. "The answer to this problem is childishly
simple. Aside from the obvious fact that this is NOT my fault--"

Sean, Todd & Greenbeans: [cough cough!] "Bullshit!"

     "--all we have to do is find ChibiChibi before she attacks
another Sailormoon character. That way the other fanboys and
fangirls out there remain unaware." 
     He then mused to himself, "Now, if I were an ungodly
assemblage of SM lemon cliches reanimated into the body of a
disturbingly cute kid, where would I be?"
     Sean snapped his fingers, feigning frustration. "Shoot, the
#moonscribe gang were talking about that very thing last night. Now
what did they come up with...?"
     Greenbeans groaned and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "I'm
getting too old for this." Her eyebrow twitched as she looked to
her left and saw Todd offering her a test tube.

Todd: ^-^ "Daimon Jello?"

Greenbeans: [shrug!] "Why not?"

     Suddenly, with a special effects extravaganza that will no
doubt wow all you readers out there, Sailor Pluto emerged. She
glared down at the bucket of dry ice she had to use for her
entrance in place of a flood of mist.
     "What happened to the fog machine?" she demanded, thoroughly
annoyed.
     "Budget cuts," His lordship Chaos replied. "We spent all our
money paying for body doubles."
     "Why bother with body doubles?" Sean asked. "The Senshi all
seem to want it with everyone and everything anyway."
     Setsuna impatiently tapped her foot on the floor, arms crossed
over her chest. "Well can't you fix that? This is my big entrance
we're talking about!"
     "Hmmm...we could try to sell out to some corporate sponsors,"
Chaos suggested.
     One of Todd's eyebrows went up at hearing that. "Won't that
mean a disruptive and annoying commercial break?"


     [Cue the commercial!]


     There she is.
     Aino Minako.
     Sailor Venus: messenger of love and justice. A young woman
with long and beautiful, silky blonde hair. And a supple, athletic
body to die for. 
     She's laying down upon an arabesque couch in silken negligee.
It's taut against her skin, covering little. You can easily trace
a finger down the curves of her body without touching the white
folds of her negligee. A faint breeze from the open window rustles
the light fabric, causing her to shiver slightly.
     The red bow is still in her hair. It catches the rays of a
multitude of candles scattered across the room. Aside from the
liquid moonlight pouring in from the open window, the flames from
these candles are the only source of light. The reflections of the
fires dance across her creamy alabaster skin.
     Minako moans quietly to herself, leisurely stretching out her
arms over her head as she lays upon a bed of black silk covers.
White to black contrasting accents each supple feature of her body
as she slides her legs against each other beneath the covers.
     If you try hard enough you might get a peek at her panties.
     She's lying on her side, propped up on one hand. With her
other hand, she dips her fingers into a bowl of cherries beside her
on the bed. They glisten in the multitude of candlelight.
     Her tongue twirling around the ripened red fruit, she
delicately sucks on a cherry before taking it in between her teeth
and tugging it from the stem. A moan escapes her lips as she feasts
upon its juices.
     She eats a few more languorously, teasing and taunting each
piece individually. At last Minako has finished, her almost
insatiable appetite satisfied...for now. The lingering taste of the
cherries remains on her tongue, a stray bit of juice dribbling down
from the corners of her lips. 
     A coy smile about her, Minako reaches up and slowly wipes the
juice away with a finger. Then she takes the finger in her mouth,
suckling upon the tip until the cherry juice is gone.
     Gently she rolls onto her back, and stretches out with a
contented smile on her face.
     "Mmmm," she sighs. "I can't believe it's not hentai...."
     She rolls onto her side and then poses next to a bottle for
all to see.

Minako: ^_- [killer smile]  "...Spray!"


                         *    *    *
     Back to the now financed (and sponsor-endorsed. Go out and
buy: I Can't Believe It's Not Hentai Spray!) fanfic, the four
authors were debating how to handle the "Oops, ChibiChibi did
someone again" incident. Suddenly they were attacked by a
stupendously overblown special effects extravaganza that forced
them to cut everything else in the budget that wasn't important to
the lemon.
     Naturally, the plot was the first thing to go.
     A frenzy of lightning bolts converged on the lab and with a
large explosion of sound and light, a car raced into the scene.
Authors scattered to get out of its path, much like how readers
react when encountering an Oscarfic for the first time.
     Greenbeans dove underneath one of the tables. Sean jumped up
and grabbed one of the hanging lights, raising his legs to ensure
they didn't get snagged by the car. His lordship Chaos figured he
could easily stop the car, given how he'd taken a free sumo
wrestling class a year ago.
     Yet the car seemed to be gunning for Todd (who tried fending
it off with a nearby chair), and so everyone mistook it as
belonging to Eudial. Evidently driver training hadn't helped the
Deathbuster babe in the slightest.
     But as the vehicle screeched to a halt and the fancy lightning
bolts came to an end, the authors realized that the car in question
was actually a souped-up, time-traveling DeLorean! Its body covered
in ice, the car stood ominously in the middle of the Tomoe lab. Not
to mention the flaming tread marks it left on the floor would be
murder to scrub clean.
     The engine was turned off by the driver.
     Hoping it was now safe, one by one the authors inched out from
their hiding places.
     The gullwing door on the driver's side popped open with a hiss
of air, and out stepped the driver. With a pair of stylish driving
gloves to match her stylish driving fuku, Setsuna removed the
sunglasses from over her magenta eyes and glared at the authors.
     "Okay, who screwed up?" she stated, suspiciously eyeing the
four suspects.

Todd: [aside to Sean] "Funny she should use the word 'screw'."

Sean: "Don't make me imagine licking vodka and orange juice off her
body...."

     "Well, that's the problem," Greenbeans said, meekly shuffling
her feet. "We created this monstrous lemon by taking all the usual
cliches of Sailormoon hentai, splicing them together, and then
reanimating the final creation."
     Setsuna groaned. "You created a Frankenfic, didn't you?"
     "More than that," Todd remarked dryly, glowering at His
lordship Chaos. "He created a ChibiChibi Frankenfic."
     Setsuna slowly turned her head, her mouth agape in somewhat
comedic disbelief. "Do you know how unnatural ChibiChibi is in a
lemon?! That's why she's never been done before!"

Sean: "Actually boinked, or just written into a lemon?"

Setsuna: [wagging her timestaff at Sean] "You want me to shove this
up your ass?"

His lordship Chaos: o.O;; "So long as it's the thin end first."

Sean: "Don't encourage her, Chaos!!"

     "Hey, the lemon was doing great until it went berserk during
that last menage a trois test sequence," His lordship Chaos stated.
"Now it's running completely amok."
     Setsuna rubbed her temples, feeling an all too familiar
headache coming on. Deciphering temporal physics was bad enough,
and now these idiots had tossed the 4th Wall into the mix. "Define
'running amok'," she said.
     Quoth His lordship Chaos, "Attacking other Sailormoon
characters and turning them into uberhentai plot devices."
     The Soldier of Time could only stare at the group of authors
in abject horror. "It's what?!" she exclaimed.

Todd: "We're going to get our asses so pounded for this, aren't
we?"

Greenbeans: "What's this 'we' thing? I was blackmailed into this.
I didn't want to have anything to do with a lemon in the first
place!"

Sean: "Hey, Chaos is the one who recruited us. This lemon was his
idea. He should take the blame for this."

     The others turned to His lordship Chaos...well, actually they
turned to the dissipating dust cloud where said author had once
been standing. He was now nowhere to be seen, having done the
responsible thing by catching a flight to Acapulco, and thusly
avoiding any harsh spankings in the name of love and justice.
     "Somehow," Greenbeans lamented. "this just doesn't surprise
me."


                         *    *    *
     It was games night at the Outer Senshi's house, and two
soldiers in particular were feeling rather frisky. Haruka sauntered
through the living room, dancing to some odd beat that only she
intuitively knew.

Haruka: [humming to herself] "I'm too sexy for this lemon, too sexy
for this lemon...."

     She hopped over the back of the couch and flopped out next to
Michiru. "So, which kawaii little Inner are we going to seduce into
a menage a trois tonight?" Haruka remarked.
     Michiru thoughtfully shrugged her shoulders. "Tough call,
love. Are you up for a blonde or brunette tonight?"
     "What about blue?" Haruka inquired, nibbling on Michiru's ear.
     "Ara ara, but we already exhausted poor Ami-chan in the pool
last night. Maybe we should give her a reprieve for today. How
about we try for Setsuna?"
     "That might work."
     Haruka sat back and tried to get a feel for which young lady
she wanted tonight. But it was somewhat difficult to get a good
feel when none of said ladies were around to cop a feel off of. "I
have not the slightest idea who to seduce," she admitted. "But I
definitely want someone tonight."
     Michiru stood up from the couch and headed towards the
kitchen. "I think I can solve this," she said, disappearing
momentarily around the corner. She returned pushing a large game
show wheel with pictures of the Inner Senshi decorating its face.
     Haruka applauded her lover's sage idea and jumped off the
couch. "Brilliant! But I get to spin the wheel this time!"
     "Hai hai," Michiru replied. "And remember, it has to go all
the way around once, or it doesn't count."
     "I'm not trying to fix our menage tonight, Michiru," Haruka
said as she cracked her knuckles & advanced on the wheel. "I just
want fanservice, period."
     With that, the tall sandy-blonde grappled onto the edge of the
wheel and let loose with an incredible spin. The pictures of the
Inner Senshi instantly blurred into a series of colours as the
wheel rapidly spun around. Yet before it showed any signs of
slowing down, the phone abruptly rang.
     "I'll get it," Haruka said, quickly stepping towards the
phone. With a playful grin she added, "And now don't you try to rig
who we seduce tonight, love."
     Michiru feigned innocence. "Would I ever do a thing like
that?"
     Laughing at her partner's apparent angelic disposition, Haruka
grabbed the portable receiver off the coffee table. "Hello?" she
said into the phone.
     "Chibi Chibi?"
     Haruka blinked a few times and then scowled. It sounded like
a prank phone call. "Who is this?" she asked.
     Abruptly the cutesy voice was replaced by someone else. And
this new voice was smooth, almost purring. "You tell me," the
caller said.
     That left Haruka at a loss. She didn't recognize the voice at
all. It certainly wasn't one of the regulars she or Michiru talked
with. "I don't know," she confessed.
     "Sultry night, isn't it? With all those hormones in the air,
it's like right out of a lemon or something."
     A smile etched itself onto Haruka's face.
     "Minako, you kinda gave yourself away," she said, winking
playfully at Michiru. She cupped her hand over the receiver and
said to her lover, "Minako's feeling a little frisky tonight. Maybe
we should just skip the wheel and invite her over."
     Michiru smiled deliciously at the thought of sharing Minako
again. "Sounds like a plan. You do the talking, love. I'm enjoying
listening to this."
     Blowing Michiru a kiss, Haruka returned to the phone
conversation. 
     "Do you like Sailormoon hentai?" the caller asked.
     "I like that sexy thing you're doing with your voice," Haruka
replied.
     "So what's your favourite Sailormoon lemon?"
     "You know I don't read them."
     "Why not? Too ecchi for a refined pair like you and Michiru?"
     Haruka shook her head as she wandered around the living room.
"No, I've got all the action I want right here. And besides, what's
the point? They're all the same: some stupid tentacle monster
stalks some stupid nympho Senshi who is written completely out of
character."
     The caller seemed to concede on that point. "True. But are
you...feeling randy tonight, Haruka?"
     "Minako, that's so unoriginal," Haruka sighed. "I'm
disappointed in our little blonde slut."
     "Well maybe that's because--" The voice suddenly became more
sinister. "--I'm not Minako."
     Haruka stopped walking, a frown creasing her brow. "So who are
you?"
     "The question isn't: who am I, but where am I?"
     Casting a glance over her shoulder, Haruka saw Michiru busy in
the kitchen, preparing some fresh batches of whipped cream for
tonight's session. "So where are you?"
     "Your master bathroom."
     "Why would you be calling from our bathroom?"
     "That's the original part."
     One of Haruka's eyebrows went up. "You accidentally handcuff
yourself to the toilet again?" She headed for the stairs, signaling
for Michiru to stay where she was. "Oh yeah? Well I call your
bluff."
     Down the hall and into the master bedroom Haruka stalked. For
a moment she hesitated in opening the bathroom door, noting how the
light was on when she could have sworn it had been turned off
earlier. Biting down on her lower lip ever so slightly, Haruka
raised one of her legs and kicked the door open.
     Instantly she stormed into the bathroom.
     And found it empty.
     Her frown turned into a scowl as she heard the caller
chuckling on the other side. "So where are you?" Haruka asked into
the phone.
     "Right here."
     She looked around and still saw nothing out of the ordinary.
The towels were neatly folded. However, the bathroom curtain was
drawn closed; someone could very well be hiding behind the opaque
blue veil. Psyching herself up for a possible youma attack, Haruka
yanked back on the bathroom curtain.
     And found only an immaculately clean tub.
     "Kuso," she muttered to herself. If this was nothing but a
prank call and she ever found the culprit, she'd make that person
wish they had never tangled with a Senshi who knew more than one
use for a henshin. "Can you see me right now?" she asked her
mysterious caller.
     "Definitely."
     "Okay, then tell me what I'm doing?" Haruka shoved her free
hand down into her boxer shorts. "Come on, tell me what I'm doing."
     There was silence on the other side.
     She laughed, ruefully smiling at Minako's somewhat failed
attempt at foreplay over the phone. "Nice try, Minako. Why don't
you invite yourself and Makoto over tonight, and we'll show you how
to make a real lemon."
     The caller laughed, taking an odd pleasure in that remark.
"That's a good idea Haruka. But I've already taken the initiative.
Do you recognize this sound?"
     There was some momentary shuffling over the line, and then
Haruka heard the sounds of Michiru's frantic, aroused moaning. The
portable phone dropped from Haruka's hands. Her eyes widened and
she instantly bolted down the hallway. She cleared the entire
staircase in one jump.
     And what she saw in the living room made her stop dead in her
tracks for one split second of shock and disbelief. "Michiru!" she
exclaimed. "What are you doing with that SuperSoaker 500?!"
     Despite the loud panting from Michiru (who was getting really
touchy-feely with her water element), Haruka's ears heard something
shuffle over by the couch. Haruka turned, pulling her Talisman out
from its dimensional pocket.
     The ghoulish Tuxedo Kamen midget hopped onto the back of the
couch, a vibrator wiggling in her hands. 
     Calmly sizing up her half-pint assailant, Haruka unsheathed
her Space Sword and let the light from its blade illuminate the
entire living room. She made a few rapid slicing motions and then
took up an offensive stance she'd learned from her fencing classes.
     ChibiChibi raised her vibrator up to eye level, holding it
like it was a katana sword. The two opponents faced each other in
silence, each waiting for the other to make even the slightest
muscle twitch.
     And standing atop the stairs, Umino watched the battle unfold.

Umino: [raising his arms to the skies] "MORTAL CUMBAT!!"

     Haruka abruptly charged, and with a loud shout raked the Space
Sword down on ChibiChibi. But the masked midget proved to be
surprisingly fast, dodging the strike before the blade could even
come close to her suit. Haruka spun around in surprise, her eyes
wide. She'd dangerously underestimated her opponent.
     Suddenly ChibiChibi somersaulted over Haruka's head, making a
vicious slashing motion with the vibrator. Haruka could only stare
in surprise as she felt a large "whoosh!" flow past her body one
second...and then found herself completely nude the next as her
outfit tore itself to shreds. Oddly enough, the feel of the cool,
moist air blowing on her skin was an incredible turn-on.
     Haruka collapsed to her knees, fighting to keep from being
overcome by arousal. But her grip on the Space Sword loosened, and
the weapon was immediately punted across the room by ChibiChibi.
ChibiChibi made another swipe in the air, and another cool wind
swept past Haruka's body, causing Haruka to shudder in ecstacy.
     Yet Haruka refused to let a sex scene end like this for her.
Weakly she crawled across the carpet towards Michiru. "Michiru,"
she moaned hoarsely.
     Michiru reached out a trembling hand, on the throes of
climaxing herself. "H-Haruka, please give me the chance to feel
your tongue one last time..."
     The winds fondled Haruka again, causing her to gasp. Before
letting herself be given over to absolute pleasure, Haruka crawled
onto Michiru's body, trying for one last 69 request.
     ChibiChibi (heart-haired ankle-biter that she was) was busy
removing her tophat and cape. Then she raised her tiny clenched
fists; neatly held between each finger was a large and colourful
peacock feather. 
     "Masaka," Michiru whispered. "Not the feather tickle
torture...."
     The leer on ChibiChibi's masked face was unmistakable as she
started to slowly advance on the hapless Outers. "Chibi chibi."

Umino: "ChibiChibi versus Haruka...ChibiChibi wins, flawless
technique!"


                         *    *    *
     The Crown Restaurant.
     3:45pm.
     (Do these X-File type texts look cool, or what?)


     The usual booth the Senshi sat at was strangely vacant. But
the authors were more than happy to keep the seats warm for the
ladies. Greenbeans optimistically suggested that the sailor
soldiers were off saving the world from some monstrous evil force.
Todd and Sean voted for another Sailor orgy.
     Todd flagged down a waitress and started to ramble off a
series of items from the menu. Sean and Greenbeans stared at him
like he'd gone completely out of character...not that it's such a
stretch in a lemon. The OOC virus is a very contagious thing.
     And it's airborne too.
     Anyhoo, Todd didn't seem fazed by their expressions. "Come on,
we're writers at work here," he told the other two. "Order whatever
you want from the menu." He looked back to the waitress. "Oh, and
I'll have a two whole enchilada orders too."
     "What, no fully monty?" Sean quipped. "How about the full
Mimete, then?"
     "Who's going to pay for the meal?" Greenbeans asked uneasily.
"I don't have any money--and I am not washing dishes to make up for
whatever I eat."
     Todd waved her worries aside. "Don't worry. Today, price is
not an option," he scoffed with a surprising degree of confidence.
     "And what would make you say that?" Sean inquired.
     With an evil grin, Todd held up a brown leather wallet. "Chaos
dropped this on his way to Acapulco. He's buying."

Authors: ^-^ "Wai!"

     Their orders placed, Greenbeans, Todd and Sean became very
serious and got down to business.
     Namely talking about sex.
     And Setsuna's threat that unless they stopped ChibiChibi ASAP,
she would in no uncertain terms kill them so hard their ancestors
would die. Given how Setsuna was the keeper of time and all, that
was entirely possible too.
     "Okay, down to business," Sean began. "The way I see it,
everybody's out to cash in on lemons. It's the next big trend in SM
fanfiction. Now ChibiChibi's taken this love of hentai...oxymoron
that it sounds...one step too far. And it's up to us to observe the
rules of the lemon."
     Greenbeans got somewhat flustered at the thought of having to
endure more pointless sex. "Do we have to?"
     "Not if you actually want Setsuna to make good on her threat
to stick her time key where the Sailor Sun don't shine," Todd
replied.
     "Oh...there is that."
     Sean shrugged indifferently, feeling very much in his element
here. "We are kinda the authors here, Amanda. Besides, if we
observe the rules--"
     "Cliches," Todd corrected.
     "Whatever. If we observe them, then we can anticipate who
ChibiChibi will stroke next, and stop her. Now there are certain
rules a Senshi must abide by if she wishes to successfully escape
a lemon."

Greenbeans: "Never have sex?"
     
Todd & Sean: "......"

Greenbeans: "Well, it's true."

     "Let's just examine the cliches then," Sean sighed, shaking
his head as the kana for 'no sense of adventure' scrolled in behind
Greenbeans. "Number one, the nekkid flashes are always big. Number
two, the sex scenes are always more graphic than in an R-rated fic.
More tits, more ass: cleavage candy! And if you want your lemon to
become a series, never ever--"
     "Forget the philosophy of hentai," Greenbeans cut in, getting
noticeably impatient. "How do we figure out where ChibiChibi is?"
     Todd raised his hands, signaling for silence. "Let's assume
that ChibiChibi has half a brain," he said. "She's not your raunchy
rerun kind of girl. She wants to break some new ground and some new
minds."
     Sean nodded. "Exactly! So forget the rampant lesbian thing;
it's old, it's tired. That's exactly what every reader would expect
in a Sailormoon lemon."

Greenbeans: "So we're going into shonen ai now?"

Todd: o.O;; "......"

Sean: [sweatdrop!] "Rampant lesbianism, it is!"

Shampoo: [waving pompoms in the air] "Kai awase, okay! Kai awase,
okay!"

     The waitress appeared with their drinks, and a reassurance
that the first wave of their food would arrive shortly. 
     "There's always that myth about Ami loving anal sex," Todd
offered, taking a sip of his Coke.
     Sean paused for a moment before countering, "Well, actually,
that one's true."
     "Sean...." Greenbeans warned him.
     "What? I mean, it was spread all over the papers in Crystal
Tokyo, so to speak. It took her 20 years to come out of the
cellar...but let's move on."
     "Yes, let's," Todd and Greenbeans agreed.
     Todd leaned back and took another sip of his drink. "So what
other cliches are out there?"
     "Well, there's always Professor Tomoe and his Witches Five,"
Greenbeans said between mouthfuls of her sandwich.
     Sean shook his head as he chugged back his Coke. "I rarely see
him with the Witches, more often with Kaolinite. And I think Prof.
Tomoe and his daughter are far, FAR bigger in doujinshi." He
abruptly paused and blinked a few times upon realizing what he'd
just said. "Okay, let's not go there."
     
Todd & Greenbeans: "Let's not."

      "ChibiChibi will probably start with the most nubile Senshi
we've got, and work her way down the list from there," Todd
theorized. "Say, which Senshi would you say is most flexible?"
     Greenbeans hazarded a guess. "Um...Minako?"

Sean: "I heard a rumor she can actually lean down and lick
herself."

Beans:  [swatting Sean] "......"

Sean: "What? She learned it from Linna. Didn't you read Bubblegum
Pink?"

Todd: [taking out a note pad] "Oh yeah? What's the website
address?"

Greenbeans: [swatting Todd] "No mentioning non-SM lemons!"

     "Oh, and what about all those Yuu Yuu Hakusho lemon crossovers
we've seen with the Starlights?" Todd retorted. 
     "That's different," Greenbeans replied. "All I'm saying is
that the SM hentai genre is historical for excluding the yaoi
element. There's always yuri, but no yaoi."
     Sean warily regarded her. "Since when did you get Ph.D. in
shonen ai, Amanda-chan?"
     Her face got rather flushed at that.
     Todd pontifically scratched his chin, pondering many thoughts.
Such as: if you crossed Game Machine Joe with a leather-clad
dominatrix bitch, would the end result be a Game Machine
Joe'o-sama? "Let's go back to Ami," he suggested. "ChibiChibi's
bound to play up that whole sexual repression thing Ami seems to
have going."
     Sean nodded and took out his cellular. "Good idea. I'll call
her up and check." He waited for a few rings before someone
answered.

Ami: "Moshi moshi?"

Sean: "Ami, great to hear from you! Listen, have any odd, ecchi
things been happening to you lately?"

Ami:  "Well, come to think of it, twenty minutes ago I got this
strange phone call from someone who asked which of my orifices are
still virginal."

Sean: [sweatdrop!] "And?"

Ami: [getting out her notebook] "Let's see...well, mouth doesn't
count, obviously. That was ages ago. And my hymen was gone by the
time I was 13." 

Sean: --;; "A-Ano...."
 
Ami: [flustered] "A bicycle, you understand. Um...do nostrils
count?"

     Sean immediately hung up the phone. "She's a goner. Let's move
on."
     "So what other lemon plot devices are out there for ChibiChibi
to attack?" Greenbeans asked.


                         *    *    *
     Prince Demando sat in his dimly-lit throne room, a dark smile
across his face as he surveyed his prize. The woman he had always
longed for was at long last in his reach. "So, Queen Serenity," he
said in a smooth, melodious voice. "At last I have you. To have my
way with you. The way I want to."
     Demando immediately picked up the Neo Queen Serenity plushie
and started talk in a bad falsetto voice. "'Oh no, I hate you, I
hate you! Leave me alone!'," he said, mimicking the queen.
     Suddenly he pulled out an Endymion plushie. "'Not so fast,
Demando!'" he countered, doing the best nasal-enriched voice he
could for Crystal Tokyo's king.
     "Endymion!" he exclaimed, going back to his own deep voice and
picking up a Demando plushie.
     The scene went downhill from there.     

Endymion plushie: "Yeah, it's me. I'm here to save my blonde
bombshell. How ya doin' odango-atama?"

Neo Queen Serenity: "Mamo-chan, don't call me that in front of the
villains...!!"

Demando plushie: "Well then, Endymion, it appears I shall have to
destroy you. Bondage Queen Emeraude, take care of him!"

     [Cue a leather-clad Emeraude plushie, cracking her whip and
cackling maniacally from behind her feathery fan!]

Dominatrix Emeraude plushie: [hauling off the Endymion plushie]
"Hai, Demando-sama! Woh oh oho ho ho!!!"

Endymion plushie: o.O;;

Demando plushie: "So where were we? Ah yes: you had mentioned
something about how silky smooth my white hair is."

Neo Queen Serenity plushie: [turning away] "No, no, I hate
you...and yet, I find you strangely attractive."

Demando plushie: "Of course you do. Lunar women are attracted to
money, and power--and this way cool, black moon tattoo on my
forehead."

Neo Queen Serenity plushie: "No, I hate you!"

Demando plushie: [pushing against NQS plushie's face] "No, kiss
me!"

Neo Queen Serenity plushie: "No!"

Demando plushie: "Yes!"

Neo Queen Serenity plushie: "No!"

Demando plushie: "Yes!"

Neo Queen Serenity plushie: "No-oooh...oh, your family jewels are
so hard."

Demando plushie: ^-^ "Well, I  don't mean to brag, but I wasn't
named after a diamond for nothing."

     Suddenly the phone next to the throne let out a shrilling ring
that started Prince Demando from his role-playing scene. He jumped
from his chair, Sailormoon dolls flying in every direction and
raining down upon the throne room. He scrambled for the phone and
yanked the receiver over to his ear.
     "What?!" Demando exclaimed.
     "I'm from Spaceballs: the Lawyers Firm," the voice on the
other side stated. "And unless you stop this blatant rip-off from
the movie, we'll be forced to give you Gilbert Gotfreid as your
English voice actor."
     Demando's eyes narrowed. "You're bluffing."
     "Be warned, buddy. Our Schwartz is bigger and badder than your
droid minions anyday!"
     "Ha!" Demando exclaimed into the phone. "I'd like to see you
try, you blood-sucking parasites!"
     And with that, he slammed the receiver down on the table.
Demando glared at the phone, still fuming about how his quality
foreplay time was ruined. And he'd just received his Blow-Up
Serenity doll too!
     "I'll show them," he muttered under his breath, trying to make
himself comfortable in his throne again. "I'll take over this lousy
city, make Serenity my wife, and then I'll declare war on the
Spaceballs."
     Suddenly the phone let out another shrilling ring.
     Demando pounced on it instantly. Angrily he yanked the
receiver off the endtable and put it to his ear. "I said I don't
care about your lawyers!" he snapped.
     "Chibi chibi?" came the reply on the other side.
     Demando settled down, somewhat chagrined at his outburst. He
politely cleared his throat and then apologized, "Oh, I'm sorry. I
thought you were someone annoying. And you are?"
     "So...what's your favourite Sailormoon lemon?"


                         *    *    *
     Back at the Crown restaurant, where His lordship Chaos'
Animerican Express Card (don't leave the fic without it!) was
sponsoring a lovely dining experience, the three authors continued
on their hentai discourse.
     "If she's gotten her hands on the Luna-P ball or the Luna Pen,
then that changes the rules of the fic," Sean stated.
     Todd nodded in agreement. "ChibiChibi could change into anyone
she wanted, or conjure up any kind of attachment she wanted.
There's no telling what sort of sex scenes she'd instigate."

Authors: >.<  "Ewwwww...."

     "Why would ChibiChibi attack the other Senshi?" Greenbeans
asked. "I can't figure that out. Why not just gradually and
naturally seduce instead of terrorize them?" 
     "But that would make too much sense, dammit!" Sean and Todd
chorused.
     The bean then shyly added, "Can't they all just get along, and
stay platonic friends?"
     "Oh, there's always some stupid reason for the Senshi to bang
each other," Todd said. "There's not a virgin among them. And
that's the beauty of lemons: simplicity. You just make up some
situation where they suddenly realize they've loved each other as
more than friends for a long time, and wham! They're in bed
together."
     "And besides," Sean added. "If hentaifics get too complicated,
you lose your target audience."
     
Greenbeans: "Other perverts?"

Sean: "Precisely."

     Todd took another bite of his enchilada. "So what's
ChibiChibi's reason for turning into a psychotic nympho?" 
     "Other than Chaos creating the ultimate lemon plot device, and
letting her run amok?" Sean answered. "Maybe she's holding out for
a five-way with the Quartet."
     "She and ParaPara...there have been rumors," Todd agreed with
a nod.
     Greenbeans groaned at the direction this conversation was
going yet again. "Characterization is incidental," she stated as
she stood up and slammed her palms down on the table. "Coherence is
a secondary thing. There's a simple formula to lemons, you two:
everybody's fair game for a sex scene! Why does every Senshi have
to go get some?! Why can't Haruka save it all for me?!"
     She suddenly realized her voice had grown rather loud, and
that numerous patrons of the restaurant were giving her funny
looks. Quietly withdrawing from her ranting, she shrank low in her
chair and blushed profusely.

Sean: "Speaking of which, Amanda and I aren't just authors, right?"

Todd: "What do you mean?"

Sean: "Well, certainly ChibiChibi would love to get her hands on
'College Life' Beans...."

Greenbeans: [punting Sean out the window] "BAKA!!"

Sean: [spinning towards the sunset!] "I really should ask for a
parachute the next time she does this."

     After Sean finally landed somewhere in a neighboring district
and caught a cab back to the Crown restaurant, they resumed their
conversation.
     "We could always stake out Nephrite's mansion," Todd offered.
"You know how big he and Naru are. ChibiChibi's bound to attack
them."
     "Ah yes, Naru the human battery," Sean said. He nonchalantly
resumed devouring his order of a hot Pastrami sandwich and fries.
"I hear she exhausted Nephrite to death because she kept on coming
and coming and coming...."
     He lifted his head upon hearing Greenbeans and Todd facevault
into the table. "Was the pun that bad?"

Greenbeans: @.@ "I saw it coming a mile away, and I was still
powerless to stop it."


                         *    *    *
     Outside of the restaurant, Setsuna leaned back in the driver's
seat of the parked DeLorean. Somewhat impatiently she glanced at
her wristwatch, wondering how much longer those three authors were
going to be.
     "I can't believe I have to drive those idiots around," she
muttered to herself. But sadly, Greenbeans had astutely pointed out
that using Setsuna's car was the best and fastest way to travel
around the city. 
     Refusing to be party to any of their ecchi stratagems for
taking down ChibiChibi, she had been relegated to waiting in the
DeLorean as the authors finished their lunch. She continued to
lament over her situation. "I could be out being body massaged by
some ancient Greek adonis-type guy, but noooo! I've got to be stuck
here in a car with cramped leg room and a cold cappuccino."
     Abruptly her car phone started to ring. Setsuna picked up the
receiver and cradled it on her shoulder. "Moshi moshi?"
     "Chibi chibi?"

Setsuna: o.O;;

     "Hello, Setsuna," the caller said, the voice changing yet
again. "Ever felt the fingers of another girl plunge through your
womanly folds and caress your inner being?"
     "Give yourself up, ChibiChibi," Setsuna replied, not about to
be cajoled into anything. "You can't win in a lemon. No one does.
Even the authors are losers."
     The caller simply chuckled. "Really? Then what are you doing
in one?"
     "Trying to find the ending."
     "Ara ara, you don't like lemons?"
     "Let me tell you what a hentai is," Setsuna told ChibiChibi.
"It's a dumbass fanfic about some dumbass nympho Senshi who get
their dumb, panty-covered asses just plain fucked."
     The caller chuckled fondly. "Methinks the Senshi doth protest
too much. This coming from a soldier who moments ago wanted a full
body massage? You're just afraid to push the envelope. Lemons don't
make Senshi into lesbians, Setsuna. Lemons just make the Senshi
more creative in their lesbian foreplay." 
     As an afterthought the caller added, "I could take you up on
that Greek adonis offer."
     "Ha!" Setsuna laughed. "Tim Nolan already did that. And I've
got over a thousand years of experience. Compared to me, you're
just a newbie."
     She was getting so involved in talking that she failed to
notice a small, frighteningly cute form slowly rising up from the
back seat of the DeLorean.
     "What makes you think you could keep up with the centuries of
stamina my libido has been conditioned for?"
     "Because I have this!" a voice behind her stated.
     Setsuna only had enough time to turn her head before
ChibiChibi (still in her ghoulish Tuxedo Kamen costume) pounced.
The DeLorean rocked sideways a number of times before Setsuna found
herself subdued and duct-taped to the seat. No matter how hard she
struggled, she found herself the latest victim of the lemon.
     The ghost facade and it's Tuxedo Kamen eyemask were slowly
pulled away to reveal the impossibly huge face of ChibiChibi.

ChibiChibi: ^^v "Chibi!"

Voice on phone: "Duct-tape: the handy hentai's secret weapon."

     Sensing the presence of someone else, Setsuna craned her neck
back to see who else was in the car. What she saw rather confused
her. She looked from ChibiChibi, who was standing in the
passenger's seat, and then back to a non-descript person crouching
politely in the rear seat. 
     "And who are you?" Setsuna asked.

ChibiChibi: "Chibi...chibi!"

Non-descript person: "I'm the actor dubbing her voice."

Setsuna: --;; "It's like insult to injury."

     ChibiChibi put the mask back on, and her voice actor quietly
sank back out of sight. "Now then," the androgynous voice began.
Setsuna recognized it as the person who had called her over the
phone, but with the mask on it looked like ChibiChibi was speaking.
     Oh, what a brilliant plot device!
     Ne?
     "You had asked before how I could possibly manage to out-ecchi
your centuries-old libido, Setsuna. Well, did you take into account
that I have this at my disposal?"
     ChibiChibi snapped her fingers, and out from the backseat
floated the Luna-P ball. A second snap from her fingers saw the
Luna-P ball vanishing in a pink cloud of smoke. As the cloud
dissipated, out from it dropped a long wax candle--which still had
drippings running off it, and the kanji for Setsuna's name carved
onto the bottom.
     A sweatdrop formed next to Setsuna's head as she stared at the
object.
     "How about we introduce the readers to a 'Sexual History
Lesson with Setsuna' type of scene?" ChibiChibi remarked, picking
up the candle and slowly advancing on Setsuna. "Now in the 14th
century, wax was very popular...."


                         *    *    *
     Upstairs and indoors, the authors remained oblivious to what
was happening in the DeLorean.
     "I wouldn't be dumb enough to follow a hentai author's
pattern," Sean stated emphatically while munching on a french fry.
"We're all involved with SM lemons right now, so we know all the
cliches. ChibiChibi must know that we're out to stop her, so she's
going to do everything in her power to avoid pursuit and capture.
That means no copycatting."
     Todd rolled his eyes. "Okay, so what do we do instead? Just
sit here and wait, and see who gets banged like a gong next?" Todd
was abruptly cut off by the sound of a ringing cellular phone. He
and Greenbeans curiously looked around the table, only to see Sean
pulling a cell phone out from his jacket pocket.
     "I've been meaning to ask why he got one for this fic and we
didn't," Greenbeans remarked.
     "House of Lords, God speaking," Sean quipped as he activated
his phone.
     "Chibi chibi?"
     Sean froze, blinking a few times in surprise. Out of all the
calls he was hoping to get on this (not to mention all the 1-900
Senshi sex lines he wanted to use, since the phone was on Chaos'
bill), this had been one caller he wasn't expecting. "Excuse me?"
he asked.
     "I said I hope I'm not interrupting," came a chillingly
androgynous voice. "You three authors look deep in perverted
thought."
     Sean instantly jumped up from the table, warily surveying the
restaurant.
     "What is it?" Greenbeans asked.
     "Maybe his octopus is stuck to his plate too," Todd remarked,
trying to pry his new order of seafood off its platter. "Can I get
a crowbar over here?"
     Sean cupped his hand over the phone. "It's ChibiChibi," he
stated. After a moment of thought, he added, "And she's been dubbed
by a really bad English voice actor too."
     All three immediately crowded around the cell phone.
     "Enjoying your sushi?" ChibiChibi's dubbed voice inquired.
"You know, you should try eating it off the naked thighs of a
Senshi. Nyotaimori makes for quite the dining experience."
     Upon hearing that, all three authors started to anxiously scan
the restaurant.
     "She can see us," Greenbeans whispered.
     "I don't exactly want you three making any plans to stop me,"
ChibiChibi stated. "I'm having too much fun."
     Todd murmured to Sean, "Keep her talking; maybe we can find
out where she's hiding."
     Sean gave the two the V-sign as Greenbeans and Todd started
scouring the place to see where ChibiChibi was. Realizing that she
could very well have used the Luna Pen to disguise herself, they
kept an eye out for anyone using cell phones too.
     "So...what's your favourite scary lemon?" Sean inquired,
trying to stall for time.
     "You'll never find me."
     "Yeah, well what do you care? Let them try to make sure
Setsuna doesn't go Red Queen on our asses."
     "What's your favourite Sailormoon lemon, Sean?"
     An evil grin appeared on Sean's face. "Chibiusa's 7th Birthday
Party." 
     He held the receiver away from his ear as ChibiChibi screamed
on the other side.

Sean: >) "Too easy."

     "Now let me guess yours," he retorted. "Coming of Munhihausen?
Artemis' Lover? La Blue Senshi? Am I close?"
     "Closer than you think. Do you want to get fucked like there's
no tomorrow?"
     Sean carefully slid out from the booth and started searching
the Crown restaurant himself. "Is that the best you can do,
ChibiChibi? I know I can be much more original. What are you going
to do next, have Haruna-sensei start spanking all her bad students
again? Or maybe you'll pull some stunt with Mamoru and Chibiusa;
that'll really make you popular with the readers."
     ChibiChibi shot back with a contemptuous laugh. "Oh, please!
I read all about your avatar and Hotaru. What makes you think that
you can play with the big boys of hentai?"
     Sean looked out to the other authors to see if they'd had any
luck. After tackling a hapless old granny and discovering she
wasn't ChibiChibi, Todd shrugged. From the other side of the
restaurant, Greenbeans shook her head after feeling up a not overly
protesting Unazuki.
     "Oh yeah, well let me give you a lesson or two, Miss 'I'm So
Original'," Sean retorted, looking out the windows to the street
below. But all he could see was Setsuna's DeLorean. "Where's your
innovation? Why not set your plotlines higher? How about trying
something with hypnosis and mind control? It's a mostly untapped
vein in SM lemons."
     He started to wander the restaurant, now getting more involved
in the conversation than in trying to find ChibiChibi's hiding
place. "Picture it, the villains of the series decide to pick off
the Senshi one by one--starting with the Outers, of course. Haruka
and Michiru are caught when they're in the throes of orgasm, too
blitzed with pleasure to avoid the hypnotic flashes and metal
brainwashing device."

ChibiChibi: [sweatdrop!] "A-Ano..."

     "Then it's little Hotaru's turn," Sean continued without
skipping a beat. "How about voices whispering to her about getting
more respect and more pleasure if she gets bigger...and playing on
her feelings for Setsuna, turning them from sisterly love into
lust. Then she goes to Setsuna's room, already controlled, and sees
Sets attempting desperately to fight off the hypnotic induction.
She's almost succeeded when she suddenly spots little Hotaru--well,
not so little anymore--licking away at her most private areas. In
despair, she allows herself to give in and embrace her exquisite
destiny."

ChibiChibi: --;; "Moshi moshi? Who's the ultimate SM hentai plot
device here: you or me?"

     But Sean was off in his own little perverted world by now. 
"Then it's the Inners' turn. Ami gets picked off alone in some back
alley...investigating some obscure graffiti that suddenly starts
glowing, she's helpless to resist. Minako and Rei are attacked, and
forced to crawl through some ducts. Little do they know that a
control device has been secretly attached to Minako's butt when she
just barely made it inside. Now she's there, slowly having her mind
subsumed in a haze of lust. Rei's in front of her, and first
figures out that her friend is lost to her when a moist finger
slowly enters her ass."
     By now Sean had managed to distract not only ChibiChibi, but
Todd, Greenbeans and pretty much everyone else within earshot. Most
people were looking absolutely stupefied as he ranted on. The rest
were furiously scribbling down notes.
     "Minako takes advantage of Rei's anal inexperience to convert
her, simply putting her under with nothing more than words and
pleasure."

ChibiChibi: "CAN I SAY SOMETHING NOW?!"

Sean: "Hey, don't interrupt. I haven't even gotten to the bit where
Usagi nobly sacrifices her mind so that she can see her friends
happy, and joins them in a final orgy!"

Greenbeans: "Sean, you moron, we're supposed to be stopping her,
not giving her ideas in complete synopsis form!"

Sean: ^^;; "Oh...sorry. Got a little carried away there."

Todd: [sweatdrop!] "'A little'?"

     Todd's eyes suddenly narrowed as he saw something pink move
from somewhere inside the restaurant's kitchen. "I think I've got
her!" he exclaimed.
     "Oh, and you might want to tell Todd to back off," ChibiChibi
abruptly advised Sean. "Unless he wants to find the special
surprise I've got waiting for him on the other side."
     Sean lowered the receiver, eyes widening as he saw Todd
heading for the swinging double doors that led into the kitchen.
"Todd, don't open the--!"
     Suddenly Minako burst out from the kitchen door (clobbering a
hapless waitress in the process), clad in her Nurse Minako uniform.
"Todd-chan!" she called out as she took a flying leap and almost
cleared the table standing between her and Todd. "I'll tend
to--Kyaaaaa!"
     All three authors wordlessly watched as the blonde nurse
faceplanted onto the floor.
     "I give her an 8.6," Sean finally remarked over the phone.
"How did you rank her form?"
     But ChibiChibi had already hung up.
     "Is she all right?" Greenbeans asked, daring to slowly make
her way towards the fallen Senshi.
     But then Minako leapt back onto her feet and laughed
haughtily. "Woh ho ho hoh!! I meant to do that!" Her gaze zoomed in
and fixed itself on Todd.

Minako: ^-^ "Oh, Todd-chan! Nurse Minako has a special injection
just for you!"

     Todd's gaze drifted down to her nurse's uniform, and then
widened upon seeing a horrifically familiar bulge in her crotch.
"Oh no, it's her...him...them! She's found me!" he exclaimed.
"Every otaku for themselves!"
     Greenbeans and Sean sweatdropped as they watched Todd bolt for
the front door.
     Minako jumped onto one of the tables, right behind him. "As I
am the soldier of love, I shall love all of you!" she called out--
and promptly threw the nurse's uniform away. This naturally put on
display what it had been hiding...namely both her genitalia.
     And there was much hysteria.

Sean: >.< "Oh, that's just wrong."

Greenbeans: >.< [taking off her glasses] "I don't want to see!"

     Todd never even looked back, knowing what would happen to his
eyes if he dared to tempt fate a second time. "Setsuna's car has to
be out here," he said, trying to stop from panicking as he raced
down the steps.
     He slowed himself down as he reached the sidewalk, and scanned
the curb in vain for the souped-up DeLorean. But the only vehicles
around were the ones driving on the road. Todd nervously glanced
over his shoulder as he heard the clatter of Minako
running/tumbling down the stairs.
     "Setsuna, where are you?!" he exclaimed frantically. 
     His eyes bugged out upon seeing the DeLorean being happily
towed away. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me! I'm an author, this
sort of thing shouldn't be happening to me!"
     Suddenly a red Stingray convertible pulled up in front of
Todd.

Akio: ^-^ "Need a lift?"

Seiya: "You can squeeze into the back seat with Taiki and me."

Yaten: [snuggling up front with Clamp Campus' Noboru] "And don't
try to make a pass at my Noboru-chan. He's mine."

     Todd's eyebrow twitched as he looked from the Sailor
Starlights in the Akiocar, and then back over his shoulder to the
still rampantly hormonal Minako (hermie version) racing towards
him.

Todd: --;; "I am so screwed either way."

Seiya: "Funny you should mention that, this being a lemon and all."

Todd: [punting the Akiocar across the city] "SHADDUP!!!"


                         *    *    *
     Over at the Aino house, things were comfortably quiet. With
Minako currently out at some Sailor V photo shoot (the casting
director was amazed at how Minako uncannily resembled Sailor V)
that wouldn't end for another hour or so. With the night taking
hold, Artemis and Luna lazily settled down on Minako's bed.
     They stared deep into each other's eyes.
     "You know," Artemis purred. "I'm feeling really horny right
now."
     Luna smiled seductively and inched closer to him. "So am I."
     In response, Artemis inched closer to her. He licked his lips.
"No one else is around, Luna."

Greenbeans: "Wait a minute! Cat's don't have lips!"

Sean: "And this means what, in a lemon?"

     Luna & Artemis were so close now that they could feel the
warmth of each other's excited breath.
     "You know what that means, ne?" Luna purred invitingly.
     Artemis chuckled and nodded. "Hai! I'm going to have sex with
Minako."
     "Good for you!" Luna complimented the white feline. "I'm going
to have sex with Usagi...or that Kakeru guy."
     Suddenly the phone rang. Artemis hopped off the bed and padded
over to the portable receiver lying on Minako's desk. Extending one
of his retractable claws, he connected the call. 
"Aino residence," he politely said. "This is someone other than
their magically-talking pet cat. How can we be of assistance?"
     Luna rolled her eyes. "Subtle," she remarked, stretching one
of her legs. She opted for a tongue bathing session now, since it
looked like other forms of stimulation would just have to wait.
     "Chibi...chibi?" came the response on the other side of the
line.
     That got Artemis blinking in surprise a few times. And
although he couldn't quite understand why, something about that
uberkawaii voice sent his fur standing straight on end.
"Um...excuse me? Who is this?"
     "Guess."
     "Oscar?"
     The melodious voice on the other side stifled a groan before
inquiring, "Were you expecting somebody?"
     "No. Who is this?"
     "Don't you like games?"
     "Not when they interrupt my ecchi mood," Artemis replied.
     The mysterious caller sighed in a tone of mock pity. "Aw, no
one around to get bestial on?"
     Artemis chuckled. "Well, how about you?"
     "Oh, I'm game," the caller replied in a sinister tone. "But
not the game you're thinking of, Artemis."
     Suddenly the bedroom door was kicked open, revealing the
Chibi-Kamen standing there. And in ChibiChibi's hands was a Minako
blow-up doll. "So, you want to play with the blonde chick, do ya?" 
     Before either of the Mau cats could react, ChibiChibi revealed
a daimon egg and mashed it into the blow-up doll's inflatable
plastic body. A loud flash of light exploded inside the room,
forcing Luna and Artemis to shield their eyes. But when the intense
light faded, the sight they were presented with was just as
strange.
     Now possessed by the daimon egg, the Minako blow-up doll had
come to life. "Dildo!" it proclaimed, striking a rather ridiculous,
inflated pose...moments before something else started to inflate
from its plastic crotch.
     Luna and Artemis could only gawk.
     "I don't think your claws will work on this daimon," the
Chibi-Kamen chuckled. "You'll find that I made the blow-up doll
especially for roughness. It's got a layer of Kevlar."
     ChibiChibi turned to the blow-up daimon.
     "Get me their perverted hearts. NOW."
     "Dildo!" the daimon exclaimed, and then pounced on the two
cats. Luna never had a chance to wriggle free before the blow-up
daimon took its plastic shaft and--

SD Greenbeans: o.O [with sign!] "CENSORED!!!"

     Artemis tried in vain to help Luna, but soon found his own
member trapped in two plastic folds that clamped down hard. 'Oooh,
that's gonna chafe,' he thought to himself as the blow-up daimon
started to--

SD Greenbeans: o.O [with sign!] "CENSORED!!!"

     The task completed, the blow-up daimon withdrew and left the
two exhausted cats on the covers of Minako's bed. With a satisfied
nod, ChibiChibi had the daimon leave and quietly closed the bedroom
door behind them. For a short while the only sound that could be
heard were the weary pants of two felines.
     Suddenly the bedroom window was shattered as in stormed the
authors! Todd was the first to touch down with his Beam Cannon,
sweeping the room for ChibiChibi, while Sean had to help
disentangle Greenbeans from their military-issued rappelling ropes.

Sean: [sigh!] "I thought you said you've been rock climbing
before."

Greenbeans: [hanging upside-down] "Up a wall for exercise, not as
a means to crash into a scene!"

Todd: --;; "Well, this room's clear at any rate."

     The three authors appraised the remains of the scene, much to
their great distaste. "Well," Sean remarked sourly. "Judging by the
resident scent of coitus in the air, I'd say ChibiChibi must have
just been here."
     Todd punched his fist into his palm. "So close! After that
scene with Nurse Minako and the Akiomobile, I want payback!"
     "Easy there, we'll catch her soon enough," Sean said, trying
to placate Todd's nasty eyebrow twitch.
     "I just can't believe she managed to get Setsuna," Greenbeans
said, shaking her head in dismay. "She's the guardian of time;
you'd think she would have seen it coming."

Sean: "If she can foretell all her climaxes, where's the fun in
that?"

Greenbeans: [swatting Sean] "You know what I meant!"

     Todd glanced down on the bed, where a bedraggled and spent
Luna and Artemis laid. "So what do we do with them?"
     With a disheartened sigh at yet another failed attempt to stop
ChibiChibi, Sean dutifully walked over to the foot of the bed. Much
like a general inspecting the fallen troops in battle, he appraised
the two cats.
     "We'll need to see that they deserve the best possible
treatment," he stated. He turned to Todd. "Load them into the
cannon--but make sure you get into one of those biohazard suits
first."

Todd: "Do I get to fire them out?"

Sean: [shrug!] "Whatever."

Todd: ^-^ [saluting] "Hai! I'll fetch the artillery shells."


                         *    *    *
     Down at the Hikawa Temple, Grandpa Hino was busy chasing
women. Unfortunately, some of the patrons he tried to greet and
grope turned out to be dominatrix queens Beryl & Galaxia. Last
Grandpa Hino was seen, he was racing down the road with two
leather-clad ladies in hot pursuit, whipping him all the while and
trying to suck out his energy/starseed.
     But luck for Grandpa Hino, he happened upon an old friend who
quickly remedied the problem.

Happosai: ^-^ "A brassier! A brassier!"

Beryl: o.O; "Hey, give that back, you pervert!"

Galaxia: [chasing after the half-pint hentai] "DIE, FREAK!!"

Grandpa Hino: ^^v "Lucky thing they chased me into the Nerima
district."

Todd: [kicking at some broken bricks on the road] "So much for
*that* 4th Wall."

     Well, that was an eventful waste of a few paragraphs, wasn't
it? Anyhoo, let's journey into one of the buildings located at the
rear of the temple. Rei strolled across her bedroom as she prepared
for a nice hot bath, absently listening to the radio as she grabbed
her bathing accessories (namely a rubber ducky or two).
     "...and in other news," the radio broadcaster said. "police
are still investigating a tragic car accident that occurred earlier
today, one which saw the deaths of the famous idol singers: the
Three Lights. What has baffled officers is just how their Stingray
convertible could have crashed through the windows of a corner
office...on the 57th floor of the Sunset 60 building. Lieutenant
Leon McNichol was reported as saying--"
     Rei turned off the radio.
     There was never any important news that was being played
whenever she was around. It was always some article that she never
cared about. Demon invasion this, end of the world that, mobile
suits battling something-or-other. Besides, she was going to have
an enjoyable bath.
     She did a final adjustment on her bathrobe, gathered her
things, and headed for the bathing room. There, a large wooden tub
filled with hot water awaited. But an unexpected interruption made
itself known as the phone rang just as Rei walked past it.
     A part of her didn't want to answer it. But she also knew that
if it was for her grandfather, he'd berate her later for shirking
her miko responsibilities by not answering the call.
     "Hello?" she said as she picked up the receiver.
     "Chibi...Chibi?"
     To say Rei was caught off-guard was an understatement.
"Um...excuse me?" she asked, wondering if she'd just heard the
caller wrong.
     "Hello," a now smooth and suave voice replied.
     "Yes?"
     "Who is this?"
     "Rei," she answered. "Who is this?"
     "Who do you think?"
     She inwardly groaned. "Yuichiro, is that you?" she said.
"Where are you? Are you drinking?"
     "Who's Yuichiro?" the caller asked, sounding somewhat
surprised.
     Rei's cheeks went red from embarrassment. "Oh, I'm sorry. I
mistook you for someone else."
     "That's okay. I am someone else."
     "Do you want to leave a message for someone?"
     Her mysterious caller chuckled before answering, "Do you want
to get laid tonight, Rei?"
     Rei rolled her eyes. This had to be a prank, and she was
certain she knew who it was on the other side of the line.
"Yuichiro, not again!" she snapped angrily. "You know I'm going
over to see Usagi tonight. You can just spy on me through the paper
screens tomorrow night, like you always do."
     With that, she slammed the receiver down and retreated to the
bathroom. That call had left her in a bad mood as she stripped
down, but once she slipped into the steamy waters Rei found herself
forgetting everything but the pleasant tingling of her nerves.
     "Aaah," she sighed, lightly fondling her breasts. "This is the
fansubbed life."
     Suddenly the sliding door to the bathing room was thrown back,
revealing the silhouette of the vertically-challenged Tuxedo
ChibiChibi! 

     [Cue the Psycho theme music!]

     Rei screamed in vain as ChibiChibi charged and started making
rather obscene stabbing motions with the dildo. Naughty tentacles
soon followed. It wasn't too long before the warm water started to
glisten with Rei's love juices.
     And no, we're not setting up a lemonade stand to sell said
juices after the fic is done. We're not so cheap as to do something
like that. But you can get your own of authentic "Pretty Fly 2"
blow-up Senshi doll in the giftshop afterwards! 
     (Venus Spank-Me Chains not included.)
     The last thing Rei saw before she passed out from an earth-
shattering climax was the ghostly exaggerated mask and its Tuxedo
Kamen eyepiece. The need for gyrations over, ChibiChibi wiped off
the dildo, retracted her tentacles, and then quietly retreated. The
bathroom door was discreetly slid shut, allowing for Rei to grin
lustfully as she floated in the tub.
     And that smile was still on her face as Todd Foster raced into
the room a few minutes later. "Rei, this is of urgent importance!"
he exclaimed, looking at the sweaty, satisfied Senshi in the bath.
"Did you happen to see a tentacle ChibiChibi run through here?"
     Sean stuck his head into the room and appraised the situation.
"Ah, she's marinating in her own juices, is she?" he remarked upon
seeing Rei. "Well, that'll make her rather tasty for Usagi to
nibble on later."
     He was immediately smacked on the back of the head by
Greenbeans for that.
     "This is getting ridiculous," Todd sighed. "So far we've just
missed ChibiChibi by a few minutes. It's so damn cliched, it's
annoying."
     "Daijobu," Sean soothed the other authors. "I know where
ChibiChibi's going next."

Greenbeans: [???] "You do?"

Todd: "If you know that, what were you smoking and where can I get
some of it?"

Sean: "Look, in order to pull a coitus interruptus on your enemy,
you must think pervertedly like them. And there's one massive
cliche out there that hasn't even been mentioned yet. This will be
ChibiChibi's grand climax, so to speak. I guarantee you that I know
which pair of Senshi she'll attack next!"

Todd: "Who could possibly be that obvious, and still remain
unmocked?"


                         *    *    *
     In royal palace, things were not boding well for the heiress
to Crystal Tokyo. Even when trying to make use of the kawaii teary
Bambi eyes (which didn't quite work on a teenager as old as she
was), Chibiusa found herself being denied of any sex for the night.
     "Pleeeease?" she implored as she crawled on all fours across
the covers of the bed, trying to look as sexually enticing as
possible.
     An equally aged Hotaru emphatically crossed her arms over her
naked chest. "I'm telling you, Chibiusa-chan, I've had it," she
stated. "You just aren't satisfying me anymore as a lover."
     Chibiusa tried not to look disappointed. It was time to bring
out the proverbial big guns. "Well I've got something to make your
libido think twice about my performance," she said, hauling out her
laptop and placing it on the silken sheets.
     Hotaru somewhat skeptically appraised what was on the screen.
"A Sailormoon lemon? I hate lemons."
     "But this is about us, Hotaru-chan!"
     Upon hearing that, Hotaru groaned and shook her head. "I'm not
in the mood, and would rather do something else. Look, we've got a
fic about Sailor V if you just scroll down the webpage. Why don't
we go read that?"
     Chibiusa wagged a chiding finger at Hotaru. "Because I don't
want to go through all the effort of surfing the web just to find
some lame Sailor V fic...unless she's nekkid."
     "But you'll sit down and read a hentai called 'My Private
Teacher.'"
     "Sure," Chibiusa nodded. "It's good to get horny every once in
a while."
     Hotaru balked. "But--"
     "And I suppose Sailor V is truly a provocative work of
genius?" Chibiusa added, cutting off her lover's argument. She
batted her eyes enticingly. "Besides, SM lemons make for great
foreplay."
     Conceding defeat for the time being, Hotaru resignedly nodded.
"Okay, I'll play your game for tonight--and only tonight. Tomorrow
we talk about your technique, and lack thereof."
     Chibiusa let out a squeal of glee, eagerly rubbing her hands
together. "You start reading the lemon, Hotaru-chan, and I'll go
get the honey from the palace kitchen!"
     Off Chibiusa went, skipping down the corridors of the Crystal
Palace by herself. She was glowing so much that it hardly mattered
the hallways were rather dark. And yet she was so lost in her
giggling delight at tonight's sex romp, that she barely noticed one
shadow amongst the others slowly straighten up and discreetly
pursue her. It never occurred to the future princess that there was
a stalkir...um, stalkur...er, somebody following.

Greenbeans: [sweatdrop!] "Oh yeah...real professional there."

Todd: [at the computer] "Argh! Why is it that every single time I
try to spellcheck, the computer says I performed an illegal
operation and shuts down?!"

Sean: "Think about it, Todd: bad lemon equals bad grammar.
Apparently our fic isn't even immune to this law."

Todd: "Minor setback, minor setback! I'll have this glitch fixed in
a...what the? Now what's happened to the formatting job?!"

     The palace kitchen door was pushed 
open and Chibiusa let the          light of the hallway 
          illuminate her way. 


Todd: [frantically punching keys at random] "Ack! There's too many
errors! The fic's starting to smoke!"

Sean: "That can't be good; there hasn't even been any sex in the
scene yet."

Greenbeans: --;; "If anyone needs me, I'll be groveling to Naoko-
sama for forgiveness over this turkey."


     The kitchen door was pushed open and Chibiusa let the light of
the hallway illuminate her way. Chibiusa only needed something from
the refrigerator anyways. Why the palace stored its honey in the
fridge was anyone's guess--but the queen had her quirks, this lemon
had its plot holes, and who was going to argue either way?
     Not this narrator.
     At least, not until I get my paycheck.
     Anyhoo, opening the fridge door, Chibiusa winced at the harsh
barrage of light that exploded from within the appliance. After
letting her eyes adjust she began to search for the honey. The
pursuing shadow suddenly appeared in the kitchen doorway, but with
her back to the door Chibiusa remained oblivious to this other
presence. Busily humming one of her songs from her character album,
she continued to rummage through the fridge.
     The scattered lights revealed the ghoulish-looking Tuxedo
Kamen mask. ChibiChibi slowly advanced on Chibiusa. She drew out a
small spanking whip from inside her tuxedo jacket, absently
flicking it in anticipation of what was to come...Chibiusa being an
obvious one there.
     "Ah, here we are!" Chibiusa exclaimed, removing the jar of
honey from its place on the shelf of the door. She turned around--
only to come midriff to face with ChibiChibi. Chibiusa looked down
at the super-deformed Tuxedo Chibi, and then screamed as the spank-
me whip was immediately applied to her rear end.
     Thinking quickly, Chibiusa threw the honey bottle at
ChibiChibi, bopping the pint-sized terror on the side of the head.
She was thrown sideways, stumbling from the blow as Chibiusa ran
around her and raced towards the kitchen door. Yet ChibiChibi
recovered quickly, the evil ghost/kamen mask turning and almost
glaring at the fleeing Yamhead. 
     A naughty tentacle suddenly erupted from underneath the
tuxedo's cape, shooting out and wrapping around Chibiusa's ankle.
The tentacle tensed and then snapped back, flinging Chibiusa over
the main counter in the centre of the kitchen. Pots and pans
spilled over the side in a loud metallic clatter as the princess
groggily tried to get back up.
     Yet she found herself pinned down to the countertop as three
more naughty tentacle shot out from ChibiChibi, holding the
Yamhead's arms and legs fast in place.
     "What do you want from me?!" Chibiusa snapped, struggling to
free herself--an effort that proved to be in vain. Her pink eyes
narrowed. "You're not a secret lover of my Hotaru-chan, are you?"
     ChibiChibi shook her Tuxedo Kamen ghoul mask in a negative
reply. Slowly she reached in back of her cape and drew out three
items: a box of condoms, a jar of KY Jelly, and--
     Chibiusa's eyes abruptly widened. "A cucumber?!"
     "Chibi chibi," the pseudo-Tuxedo Kamen said with a diabolical
giggle.   

     [Disclaimer: readers, never EVER do this!!]

     Ten minutes later found the grisly sex scene at its end.
ChibiChibi lifted the Tuxedo ghost mask off her face long enough to
smile and study the quivering form of Chibiusa. The mask went back
over her ridiculously huge head, and she turned to stalk out of the
kitchen.
     No one seemed to notice a creepy, SD Tuxedo Kamen lurking
through the hallways. Odds were the Senshi had more than enough
problems to deal with thanks to that whole Serenity/Rei scandal
which the Sailor Animates were covering on the news.
     The door to Hotaru and Chibiusa's room was slightly ajar,
light trickling into the hallway. ChibiChibi quietly pushed open
the door, tilting her head to one side as she appraised the scene
before her. Hotaru had her back turned to the door, idly skimming
through the on-line lemonfic.
     "You came back just in time, Chibiusa," Hotaru remarked, not
turning her head. "It looks like we're about to get it on in this
fic."
     Oblivious to the danger slowly approaching behind her, Hotaru
continued to read. Hitting one of the descriptions of the sex
itself, she found herself unable to keep from laughing.
     "Uh-uh!" she countered, pointing to the screen. "Now if that
was me, I'd work my tongue counter-clockwise instead of trying some
fancy S-shaped trick. The simplest pleasures are still the best.
Ne, Chibiusa-chan?"
     She turned her head, and saw Tuxedo ChibiChibi with a dildo
looming her over.
     Hotaru screamed, and frantically scrambled back as ChibiChibi
tried to swipe at her crotch with the dildo. Climbing across her
bed covers, Hotaru grabbed a pillow and lobbed it at ChibiChibi.
Caught right in the face with the flying pillow, ChibiChibi toppled
over the side of the bed, but bounced back up immediately.
     "Chibi!"
     She had to then hastily duck as Hotaru vaulted off the bed and
over her head. Not caring if she was naked, Hotaru raced across the
bedroom and out the door. ChibiChibi gave chase down the hallway,
and proved to be able to move frighteningly fast for someone so
super-deformed.
     Hotaru tried throwing all kinds of things over her shoulder in
the hopes of hitting ChibiChibi and slowing the li'l sex freak
down. She threw a vase. She threw a small pedestal! She even tried
throwing Endymion, who had been sneaking off for another tryst with
Setsuna!!

Endymion: o.O [flying across the hall!] "KYAAAAAAAAA!!"

ChibiChibi: [dodging the king] "Chibi!"

     Frantic to escape the tentacle-wielding terror, Hotaru began
banging on every door she came across. Opening them proved to no
avail; it appeared that every other Senshi on this floor was too
busy being loud with their sex partners to hear her desperate cries
for help...or a threesome.
     Then, just as ChibiChibi reached her, a knob turned all the
way and the door opened up. Hotaru threw herself in, ChibiChibi one
step behind her.
     Yet unexpectedly, ChibiChibi suddenly found herself staring up
at Todd Foster, who had a 1000t wooden mallet raised over his head
and poised to wallop her.

ChibiChibi: o.O; [blink blink!] "Chibi?"

Todd: >) "You go squish now."

1000t mallet: *CRUNCH!!*

     At the far end of the room, Greenbeans winced as ChibiChibi
was subsequently rendered two-dimensional. "Ewww, that's going to
leave a mark on the carpet."
     Sean merely shrugged. "What kind of mark do lemons leave in
any Anime other than a skid mark? I think it's rather appropriate."
     Stunned by her rescue and overwhelmed with emotions of fear,
relief, and arousal at all the violence around her, Hotaru looked
from one author to the next.
     "You...you saved me," she said.
     Sean winked and gave her the V-sign. "That chibi-thing won't
be bothering you any more."
     Hotaru raced into Sean's arms, her naked form clinging tightly
to him for that added sense of protection. She was shivering from
the terrifying and perverted ordeal...though whether or not said
ordeal involved just ChibiChibi or Chibiusa (or both) has yet to be
determined.

Hotaru: [clinging to Sean] "Thank you!!"

Sean: ^-^v [acting all heroic] "No need to thank me. I'm just a
gentleman author doing his job."

Greenbeans: --;; "Get your hand off her ass, Sean."

     She then turned to Todd, who was whistling a carefree tune to
himself as he strolled over. Greenbeans warily looked at the mallet
resting on his shoulder. "Just where did you get that anyways?"
     "Hammerspace?" he ventured.
     "I meant other than the Anime pan-dimension."
     Todd sighed happily. "It's amazing what you can purchase from
the Nerima district these days."
     The three authors paused to hear the sound of the 4th Wall
being broken once again. For those of you readers unaware, the 4th
wall is when characters break conventional time-space physics and
realize/acknowledge that they are fictional characters in a story. 
     Now that the educational part of this entire lemon is over
with, let's get back to the hardcore nudity!!
     Suddenly out from the large crater in the floor exploded an
enraged ChibiChibi. Her hentai battle aura in full effect, she
glared at the three authors who would dare challenge her perverted
"Call me the Chibi-Queen!" authority. The Tuxedo Kamen costume and
ghoulish facemask were shredded to pieces from the psychic lemon
energy she was producing.
     "She's like Anime's answer to a perverted Chucky doll!" Sean
exclaimed in exasperation.
     Before anyone could react, the now really exposed ChibiChibi
charged. In an irate fit she swatted Todd aside and then punted
Hotaru & Sean into the nearest wall. But luckily for Hotaru, Sean
broke the fall...among other bones in his body.

Hotaru: ^-^ "Arigato!"

Sean: x.x "Don't mention it."

     Todd rubbed the swelling bump on his head as he got up off the
floor. But then his eyes widened as he heard certain ecchi sound
effects that could only mean a lemon scene was in progress. But if
he, Sean and Hotaru had been knocked aside, the only other person
left for ChibiChibi to screw was--
     "Beans!" Sean exclaimed from his hole in the wall.
     But ChibiChibi already had the vibrator cranked to its maximum
oscillation, and then with great stabbing motions began thrusting
it into her helpless victim. Both Todd and Sean winced and turned
away.

Todd: >.< "Oh, we're gonna get so flamed for this."

Sean: >.< "I can't believe she got Amanda."

Greenbeans: [walking into the room] "Got who?"

Todd: o.O; "Where did you come from?"

Greenbeans: [munching on popcorn] "From the concession stand just
outside the fic. Popcorn?"

Sean: [sweatdrop!] "But if you're here...who's ChibiChibi doing the
horizontal mambo with?"

     ChibiChibi abruptly leaped back in surprise, an enraged
"CHIBI!!" escaping her mouth upon seeing that she hadn't in fact
banged Greenbeans. Instead she'd banged a body double!!
     Todd's mouth was agape in surprise. "So the body doubles Chaos
ordered at the start of the fic actually saved the day?"
     "I guess so," Sean agreed, rather stunned himself. "Kind of
frightening, isn't it?"
     Grumbling about how her talents were being wasted by the
stupid authors, ChibiChibi turned her attention to the trio. She
was obviously in no mood for foreplay at the moment. Todd stepped
out in front of the others and faced off against ChibiChibi,
watching her naughty tentacles deploy and start wriggling around
the bedroom. 
     Wary of her surprisingly large groping range, he took an
offensive martial art stance. "Why do I feel like I've just walked
into a La Blue Girl episode?" he muttered to himself.

ChibiChibi: "Chibi...chibi chibi, chibi!"

Subtitle: "Ya-hah, foolish author. My one-handed cum-fu is better
than your cum-fu."

Umino: [standing atop the Crystal Place] "MORTAL CUMBA--!!!"

Todd's 155mm artillery shell: *BOOM!!*

Sean: [turning to Todd] "Thank you."

Todd: ^^v "Don't mention it."

     With Umino now taken out of the picture (much rejoicing!),
that just left the one small yet incredibly hormonal problem of how
to get this fic to end.
     "Well, evidently the mallet failed to work," Sean said. "Any
other bright ideas on how to eradicate an over-sexed ChibiChibi
plot device?"
     Suddenly, the ceiling above ChibiChibi collapsed and an object
from above came punching through the crystalline material amidst a
rainfall of dust and debris. She only had the chance to let out a
startled "Chibi!" before she was unceremoniously crushed underneath
the falling object's full weight.
     There was a short and awkward moment of silence as the three
authors waited for the dust to clear. Small shards of debris still
tumbled down from above at random intervals. And as the dustcloud
settled, it revealed His lordship Chaos sitting on a white toilet.
Beneath the toilet were the two heart-shaped balls of hair that had
once been ChibiChibi.
     The hairballs abruptly shriveled up and shrank back beneath
the toilet.
     "Is anyone else getting a Wizard of Oz flashback?" Sean
inquired.
     Todd, Sean and Greenbeans first looked to His lordship Chaos,
and then to the fuzzy pink handcuffs that kept him shackled to said
toilet.

His lordship Chaos: [slightly dazed] "Is the lemon over?"

Greenbeans: "Um...yes?"

His lordship Chaos: ^^; "Oh...good. Ne, if anyone with long pink
hair, a black dress and a bitchy attitude asks, you saw nothing."

Black Lady: [somewhere on the floor above] "Oh, Chaos-chan, you
haven't finished being my love slave yet!"

His lordship Chaos: o.O; [erk!] "Run away! Run away!"

     And so bravely His lordship Chaos made a mad dash for the
nearest exit. Well, actually it was more of a drag given the
awkward weight of the toilet he was still shackled to.
     "That was...surreal," Todd finally managed to say long after
Chaos had disappeared.
     Greenbeans slowly nodded. "Not to mention that resolution was
utterly ridiculous, and made no sense whatsoever."
     "What a perfect way to end any Sailormoon lemon!" Sean
exclaimed. 
     "It does work," Greenbeans had to admit. Though she gave a
lamenting sigh in the process. "You could say that what's happened
in this fanfic is a direct result of SM lemons themselves. This is
just a case of ecchi art going nuts in imitating ecchi art
imitating...more art...I think."
     "So where'd Chibiusa-chan go?" Hotaru asked, pulling on her
slinky negligee.

Greenbeans: ^^; "Well, ah...she might be a little incoherent for
the rest of the evening."

Todd: [glancing back towards the kitchen] "Or week. Though I'd
argue she was pretty incoherent from the start of the R season."

     Well, it might be for the best," Hotaru said with a
perfectly calm shrug of her shoulders. "To be honest, I was
really forcing myself to be interested."
     "Bah," Sean scoffed. "Hotaru-chan, you're young, sexy,
powerful and vibrant! You don't have to waste your time with
yams...especially given how the yam's bonded with a cucumber. But
the right lover is bound to come along sooner or later."
     Hotaru nodded, glancing up and down as she appraised Sean.
"Hai hai. Say, what are you doing tonight?"

Sean: o.O;

     "I don't like the direction this dialogue is suddenly
taking," Todd murmured aside to Greenbeans. "Aren't self-
gratuitous, hentai avatar moments a big no-no?"
     Sean was still thrown a little off track by Hotaru's
inquiry. "Eh?"
     Hotaru immediately glomped onto his arm. "Just because
Chibiusa-chan wasn't managing to blow my fuku up doesn't mean
this whole experience didn't leave me a little excited," she said
with a playful wink. "If you know what I mean."
     "Just how old are you?" Sean asked, just a little more than
concerned about the stern glare the other two authors were giving
him.
     Hotaru leaned over and whispered into his ear seductively,
"How old would you like me to be?"
     Sean sweatdropped. "Now *there's* a loaded question. All I'm
saying is that we can go out--but if you get carded, then instead
we hit the ice cream parlor and that's it."
     Hotaru responded by reaching into her...um...well, she
reached somewhere, and pulled out four or five fake IDs. "Long
Island Iced Tea?" she inquired with a giggle.
     "This can only end in disaster," Sean groaned. 
     Hotaru pouted cutely upon hearing that.
     "Oh, all right," Sean conceded, glancing over his shoulder
to Todd & Greenbeans. "See, you two? I'm not making this a self-
gratuitous, hentai avatar moment. There's no reason to hurt me."
     They moved off slowly, Hotaru snuggling up on his shoulder.

Hotaru: "You never know, I may end up accidentally getting a blob
of ice cream in an embarrassing place...."

Sean: ^^ "Ooh, how naughty! (o.O;) I mean, if that's the case, no
ice cream for you, young lady."

     Greenbeans could only shake her head as she watched Sean and
Hotaru. With an exasperated sigh she turned back to Todd. "Can
you believe this? After all this, Sean *still* gets a self-
gratuitous...moment...."
     Her voice trailed off as she saw Nurse Minako happily
glomping onto Todd.

Nurse Minako: ^-^ "Ohayo, Todd-chan. As you can feel, I'm fully
female this time. Are you ready for your sponge bath?"

Todd: ^^v "Hey, when self-inserted in Rome...."

     Todd slipped on a pair of pan-dimensional sunglasses and
then snapped his fingers. The slightly-dented Akiomobile roared
to life and screeched to a half just behind him. However, Akio
had been replaced with Eudial.
     "Need a lift?" she inquired with a sultry smile.
     "To the nearest love hotel, and damn the pedestrians!" Todd
exclaimed, leaping into the back seat. 
     Minako leaped in after him, tearing off her nurse's uniform
to reveal a skimpy thong bikini underneath. "Now, what were you
saying in part 1 about fanservice?" she inquired, slowly undoing
the top of her bikini.

Todd: ^-^ "It's good to be me."

Tamagoyaki: >) [riding shotgun with Eudial] "You might disagree
after you read this clause in your contract!"

Todd: o.O;;

     "What are you doing here?!" Todd exclaimed, furiously
pointing at the talking gerbil (who was now Cosplaying as a
chibi-Deathscythe Gundam). 
     "Obligatory cameo," Tamagoyaki replied with an evil grin.
"And speaking of contractual obligations, Todd, you're still
officially listed as 'Cannon Fodder'."
     "Meaning what?" Todd asked suspiciously.

     [Cue the moose daimon that falls from the sky & crashes on
top of Todd!]

     The Akiomobile was rocked by the impact, Eudial frantically
yanking on the steering wheel to keep from crashing. "Well, at
least Akio had good shock absorbers on this thing," she remarked.
"Though I don't really want to know why...."
     Minako curiously peered down at the moose daimon, and the 
twitching hand of Todd's that was sticking out from beneath it.
"Todd-chan, daijobu?"
     The twitching hand managed to give her a thumbs-up. 
     "Don't worry," she said with a smile. "I'll be your nurse in
the hospital! And I can give you all kinds of nekkid flashes and
panty shots while you recover in your bodycast."
     "H-Hai...."
     Greenbeans was left behind as the Akiocar sped off into the
distance, her eyebrow twitching profusely. "I don't believe this.
They're both indulging in the very thing we lampooned for the
entire fanfic. They've fallen victim to a bad lemon plot device
we mocked to no end. Is nothing sacred in this fic?!"
     She sighed and then shrugged her shoulders.
     "Aw, what the hell. Who am I to argue?" she remarked.
Greenbeans raised her hand up and snapped her fingers. Suddenly
Haruka came roaring by on her motorcycle. The instant she saw
Greenbeans, Haruka brought the motorcycle to a grinding halt,
leaving a black skid mark in her wake.
     The authoress was barely able to keep from giggling as
Haruka removed the helmet off her head. "You beckoned, Mame-
chan?" she remarked.

     [Cue a bunch of SD Chaoses (or would that be Chaosi?) racing
across the background and changing the set!]

     Suddenly Haruka found the two of them inside Greenbeans'
bedroom. The motorcycle was currently in the hallway, and
subsequently tipped over & squished a frantic li'l chibi-Chaos.
But that's not really important to the sex--er, fic, is it?
     Haruka purred as she ran her hands down Greenbeans' back.
"So, what would you like me to do first?"
     "Ara ara," the bean said, placing the tip of her index
finger on Haruka's mouth. "I'll do all the driving now, you
flirt. First, we'll have to peel your supple, athletic body from
those sweaty clothes." 
     Greenbeans started to show off a rather ecchi grin, drool
dangling from the side of her mouth. "Then I'll have to scrub you
down in the shower, 'cause racing has certainly left you all
sweaty...."
     Slipping her index finger into Haruka's bra, she playfully
led the sandy-blonde Senshi into the bathroom. The mood was
perfect as Greenbeans started to run the water for their shower.
Haruka was now in her underwear, and Greenbeans quickly made sure
that Haruka didn't feel under-dressed.
     
Haruka: "Ne, Mame-chan." 

Greenbeans: [nibbling on her ear] "Hai?"

Haruka: "Just what is an author doing shackled to your toilet
with fuzzy pink handcuffs?"

Greenbeans: o.O;

His lordship Chaos: ^-^; "Don't mind me. Just get it on as if I
wasn't even here."

     [Cue the oversized demonic version of Greenbeans!]

Greenbeans: >( "YOU...!!!!"

His lordship Chaos: [leaning back] "I'm sensing some hostility
over me having seen you in your Hello Kitty panties."

Greenbeans: [punting His lordship Chaos out of the fic!] "H-H-
HENTAI!!!!"

His lordship Chaos: o.O; "Stage Out!"





                       THE END...OR IS IT?




     The Galaxy TV news centre strangely quiet for once.
     Sailor Lead Crow glanced around the studio, noting how the
office cubicles were deserted. The main lights were all turned
off, a few stray emergency lights left on as a precaution.
Everything was ominously quiet.
     "Ano...Siren?" she called out. "Where are you? I came here
as soon as I got your call. What sort of new technique did you
want us to try out?"
     A small flood of adrenaline went through her system. Maybe
Siren wanted to act out a sexual fantasy, where they could do it
right there on the newsdesk. Lead Crow headed over to the
newsroom set, yet that too was empty.
     Suddenly one of the swivel chairs moved.
     From her vantage point, Lead Crow couldn't identify who was
sitting there. She headed towards the newsdesk, trying to calm
the butterflies in her stomach. To do it in the workplace...that
was quite risque, even for Aluminum Siren.
     "Siren, is that you?" she asked quietly.
     The chair abruptly spun around to reveal a small uberkawaii
child with red, heart-shaped hair. And in her hands was a small,
leather tickle whip. 
     "Chibi Chibi?"








               PEOPLE WHO WORKED ON THIS FIC:


Directed by:                  That man, Yang Wenli

Based on the characters 
created by:                   Naoko Takeuchi

Akiocar stunt drivers:        Rally Vincent
                              Touga Kiryuu

Kiryuu Touga's stunt 
drivers:                      Half the female population of the
                               Utena mailing list

Artillery supplied by:        Todd "Things that go BOOM" Foster

Caterers:                     Makoto Muff Munchers Catering

Executive Producers:          Mitsuru Ikeda
                              Shinobu Tezuka
     
He's got a lovely bunch
of coconuts:                  His "I'm just a sweet transvestite"
                               lordship Chaos

Final Orgasmcount(tm):        5 (on-screen)

Scarecrow's brain found by:   Ryoga Hibiki

Scarecrow's brain 
subsequently lost by:         Fanboy Desolation

Desolation & Ryoga found 
by:                           no one, as of yet


Best Boy:                     There's one in this fic?!

Worst Boy:                    The Starlights...all of them

Naughty Naughty Boy:          Sean "lick and a promise" Gaffney

Special Visual Effects:       Agent Aika and the team at
                              Industrial Light & Magic Fingers

Creative Consultants:         The inmates of New York State
                              Mental Penitentiary

ChibiChibi's Hairdresser:     Tamahome's Toupee Emporium

Domo Arigato:                 Mr. Roboto

Harukagasms made possible
by:                           Amanda "Why must you torment me
                               so?" Anderson

Livin' La Vida Lemon:         His lordship Havoc

People who had nothing
to do with this fic:          My neighbor (and yours!), Totoro
                              Tira & Chocolate Misu
                              The cast & crew of the Nadesico
                              Leonardo DiCappuchino




          This fic has been modified from its original
          version. It has been formatted to fit your
          computer screen.


            2000/Approx. 70 pages/Rose-Tint Colour