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Review by Loki |
2010-02-08
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Hello from Valhalla, I am Loki ^_^
But seriously, I must say, you're about to embark on a wondrous journey, writing an epic involves time, love of your craft, and a willingness to grow and learn as a writer, you are therefore a 'work in progress'
I won't spoil you with useless plattitudes or incinerate you with harchness, but I will above all be honest and I hope, of some help in your quest.
Plot sounds amazing, and writing original material is always a challenge for us all. If you read my 'Sailor Moon and the Oberisku no Shoujo, all of 68 chapters or thereabouts, it took me six years to get it where it is today. Constant revision, BETA support, constructive criticism and learning and changing as time went on...
You need to fix your formatting: 'dialogue clumping' all your paragraphs are one huge clump.
If you read any published fiction, or fanfic - on-line works, blank lines do appear to make distinctions between your speakers, and self-contained prose and narration.
I.E.
"I am ready to go," she said, smiling.
"Really? Then why haven't you packed your belongings?"
"Roweena, please!" she protested
The two young women sorted through the clothes and other items and hurried to meet the bus. But a sadness overtook the two old friends as they prepared to separate to return home.
"You are my best friend, I would like to keep in touch, here is my cell number," she said, handing her friend the piece of paper.
(Also note, at the end of dialogue, a tag, the 'she said, Jane said, always has a comma, 'not a period' before each closing quotation mark.
One more thing, typos and repetition, and extraneous redundancies. You need a skilled editor and .moon and the Writer's Block you can post for one and also, this resource
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
And our writing community if interested,
http://thecircletproject.webs.com/
Please, come join us!
I like the dream, and to build it and nurture it, we can help you!
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