Kaoru called his name the moment his eyes changed color. She heard the change in his tone and he no longer referred to himself as “this unworthy one” but as “I.” But she had no affect on him. She could not prevent his fight with Officer Saito Hajime. There was no place for her in his past. Yet despite knowing her futile attempts to stop him from fighting the bad guy, she tried anyway.
Then there was the time when Kenshin went to Kyoto. He weighed Japan’s Government on his shoulders and bared the responsibilities of saving it. Kaoru could not stop him from walking away from her and departing from Tokyo. She thought it might be possible that he would stay in the dojo. Her notion was that Kenshin would view her more than a sister or someone he had to protect because she offered him a place in her dojo. But the situation was different. There was something more important. He turned away from her with only his name forming from her lips. Yet despite the tears and her barely whispering his name, she tried to stop him by going after him.
When Kenshin fought Shishio Makoto, Kaoru could not help but worry about him. Would he come home alive? Would he continue his wandering because he thought by staying with her, he would harm her? Did he think of her as a naïve child who adored him because he was strong enough to change things with his sword? So many questions ran through her mind that when Kenshin did return from his battle, she hardly exchanged words with him. Yet despite her silence, she tried to stop him from wandering again. Her home became his official home.
And after the intense battle with Enishi, Kenshin acted the same with her. He treated her as though she was made out of glass. He remained kind to her. He always added the honorific at the end of her name. He still did the household chores while working time to time with the police to earn extra money on the side. But how long could he continue his charade of not noticing her feelings for him? It was plain obvious that her heart showed through her eyes and the adoration he thought she had for him was truly love. After all the things they went through together, he could at least tell her something, anything.
If he had no feelings for her as him loving her more than a sister, then he should tell her so she could move on with her life.
And sometimes she felt like she should be the one to wander away from him, to walk away from the pain he caused every time he said her name and do the polite things he did.
When Yahiko called her ugly or when Sanosuke made hurtful remarks about her cooking, she felt the sharp sting in her heart. Kenshin was there, sitting beside her, and was listening to how the other two males berate her. She should know that was how they acted around her, joking. But were they really joking? She could not cook, and she did not possess the exquisite beauty like other Japanese women in Tokyo. In fact, if she was given a choice of what to wear, she would prefer wear her gi and hakama. And because of her tomboyish looks and not womanly qualities as in manners, Kenshin would not view her as wife material. She saw it in his amethyst when she picked up her wooden sword to chase Yahiko all over the yard. There was amusement in his eyes as though he was looking at another child.
There were times when Kenshin would look far into space. Of course, there was nothing going on before him, but he would still stare at some object before him as though it was moving. And Kaoru knew she had no part in that world he was thinking in his mind. It was that world that created the wanderer before her. It was his past. Yet despite knowing her disposition concerning his world, she tried to drag him out of his world by calling his name and stepping in front of him.
She was naïve and she was stupid. Every moment she spent with him turned into torture. He was breaking her with his innocent acting. She knew there were smart comments behind his “oro.” She saw the keen intelligence in his eyes before he covered his act by falling to the ground due to some stupid object or faking a smile on his face. Kaoru learned so much about him during the few months he stayed at her dojo. She acknowledged that he knew about her feelings for him. Yet despite the torture and the pain he caused her by his acting, she still hoped for the day he would return her feelings.
And sometimes she felt like she should be the one to wander away from him, to walk away from the pain he caused every time he acted dense around her.
That was what Kaoru did. She walked away from a dinner with her, Kenshin, Sanosuke, and Yahiko. Yahiko began commenting about her looks and Sanosuke added her looks with her being a poor cooker. She would not doubt if her long eyelashes or her bangs covered the hurt in her eyes as she excused herself from the table. The moment she left, she heard the silence in the hall. The tears began to fall and her breathing turned into gasps. Her footsteps hurried into her room and she quickly closed her sliding door. She sank to her knees, muffling her cries with the sleeves of her kimono. In her mind, she was screaming and pleading her heart to stop feeling pain. But it was not simple this night or on any other nights she broke down. The pain in her heart continued to consume her.
So Kaoru would do the one thing that would stop the pain, even if for a little while. She would sleep a dreamless night and tomorrow begin a new day of getting her heart more bruised. It was sad but true, every day seeing Kenshin would remind her of her love for him.
Kaoru laid out her futon and weakly gathered herself into a fetal position on her futon. The tears continued to fall and she let them fall while muffling her cries with the sleeves of her kimono. Then her sobs turned to silence and the walls around her began to cave in.
Tomorrow she would return to seeing Kenshin again. And every day after that would cause her heart more pain and she would break at the end of every day, suffering intensely for loving him. Every waking moment of being with him caused her torture. But the one gravest mistake would be to wake up in the morning and not have him around her at all.
And sometimes she felt like she should be the one to wander away from him, to walk away from the pain he caused by him being there with her. Yet despite the pain in her heart, she kept going back to the source of the pain, Kenshin.
Finally, Kaoru fell into her dreamless sleep.
(The End).
