Usagi had been cleaning her room for hours. She hadn't come to dinner, saying she wasn't hungry, and she hadn't emerged from her room all evening. Luna had been concerned about her since before dinner, though. However, the others had all decided that it might be better to give the girl her space in these circumstances.
"It can't be easy for her, Luna," Ami had said while they all stood at the front gate to the Tsukino residence.
"Yeah," Minako had agreed as she stared up at the balcony window. "Everyone needs some space sometimes. Even Usagi."
"As much as we'd like to help her…," Makoto had begun and then trailed off.
"None of us can even begin to understand what she's going through." Rei had finished, her eyes closed and her hands in her pockets. "We can't help her until she's ready to be helped."
Rei had sighed and started walking away after that. The others had followed her with words to Luna about calling them if she needed them at all. Artemis had stayed with the black cat for a little while before she told him to go home. The words of the girls had stung Luna; how could they let Usagi suffer like she was? There had to be something that could be done. Yet, as she stared at the blonde girl through the bedroom window, she couldn't think of a thing that would cheer Usagi up. Nothing besides the thing that was breaking her heart, that is.
•Snow falls on the city•
•White on white•
•It's the color of hope•
•On an unforgiving night•
•You kissed me into ruins•
•Sin on sin•
•Now I've got all of your love letters•
•Written on my skin•
Usagi had been keeping her hands busy. She’d been keeping them busy for the last several hours. Cleaning and re-cleaning things in her room that hadn't been organized in years. She didn't really want to be at home, but she couldn't think of anywhere that she could go where she might be left alone. After sitting in her room for two hours she had decided that she needed to do something other than cry or she would go insane.
After the first couple of hours, her family had left her alone. After the next two hours, Luna had finally left her alone. Now it was quiet; her head wasn't spinning, she wasn't crying and everything was blank - calm.
Out of the corner of her eye, something moved at her window. When she looked over, the ducts of her eyes flooded again. She stared forlornly through the glass, cursing herself in her mind, as the white flakes of ice fell through the air. The familiar prickling at the back of her throat and the return of the moisture to her eyes made her sigh in frustration. She closed her eyes in an effort to block the tears from running down her face but instead was greeted with the memory that had sprung the new tears to life.
She and Mamoru were downtown at night. They were crossing the road, two amongst the large group of tourists and business people still out at that hour, when the snow had started to fall. All of the people around them continued on in their trek across traffic, but Usagi stopped. She released her grip on Mamoru's hand and waited as the beauty of the snow falling had engulfed the city's lights.
She sighed deeply and looked at Mamoru who was just staring at her as she stood in the center of the emptying crosswalk. Her eyes smiled at him before getting distracted by a white flake that floated down toward her. She crossed her eyes, following it until it hit the tip of her nose when a giggle escaped her throat.
It was then that Mamoru has taken her breath away, silencing her giggle by covering her lips with his. He kissed her without warrant for the crowd that was surrounding them, without thought for the light as it changed and signaled the cars permission to drive through the crosswalk that they were still occupying. He kissed her until her knees gave out and her head was spinning.
When he finally pulled away, he smiled and took her hand, guiding her across the street and to the other side. It had been the first time they'd ever seen snow together, the first time he'd ever kissed her without looking around to make sure no one was looking first. It had been instinctual, raw, and beautiful. And as she thought of it now, it made her heart break.
She scowled at herself and ripped her eyes away from the window.
Those memories were useless now; there was no point in thinking of them. She needed to focus on her friends, on her future, on her duty. The only problem was that her future and her duty had always included him; it was difficult to separate the two no matter how she tried.
Again, cursing at herself she redirected her thoughts and reached out to the corner of the room that she was still in the process of organizing. There had been so much stuff over here - old school work, photos that she had long since forgotten, memories that had kept her mind on things more pleasant than the reason for her cleaning spree. As she pulled on some papers that were stuffed between a couple of boxes, the box on the top tumbled forward and the lid fell off, allowing the contents to fall onto the floor.
A red rose rolled over pictures and cards that slid over the carpeted floor. Images of Chibi-Usa, Mamoru and herself stared up at her on top of birthday, anniversary and White Day cards that had Mamoru's scribbled words of love on the inside.
Usagi’s mind froze as she reached out for the first rose Mamoru had ever given her, still red even after all of this time. Her tears fell from her eyes as she stared at the beautiful flower, dripping from her chin and speckling the photos and paper beneath her.
•Someone scratching music•
•Through the walls•
•Sirens weaving through the streets•
•I must have missed your call•
•I'm gathering up these nights•
•Black on black•
•I know your voice like its my own•
•And it makes my heart go slack•
Mamoru sighed as the music reached his ears again, the familiar tune running through the air of his apartment and meeting him at the chair that he was sitting in. He closed his eyes while the melody wrapped around his ears drums, savoring it for a moment before forcing himself from the armchair and walking through the darkness of the dwelling to his room. He scowled at his closet door when he reached it, wrapping his hand around the knob and yanking the door open. His eyes gazed upon the box on the top shelf of his closet immediately, having seen it several times throughout this day alone. He reached up and pulled the box down, lifting the top off and reaching in, removing the source of the lullaby that had traveled through his apartment walls.
He stared at the locket for a moment, allowing the tune to play for him and getting lost in its notes. His eyes slowly drifted closed as memories of Usagi began to dance through his head. A contented smile played over his face while he watched her eat ice cream and when she splashed the water from the fountain in the park at him playfully. He could hear himself laughing from a time when she had, once again, toppled over for no reason at all. He chuckled a bit at her hurt look, feeling his heart swell as she reached up to him from the ground, her small hands resting on air. His smile faded quickly when his memories were quickly clouded in shadow and her dainty hands fell to the ground followed by her body, slumping over.
His eyes snapped open and he quickly flicked the locket open and closed, forcing the bubbly blonde from his thoughts. The piece of jewelry had been coming to life on its own more and more often over the past week and Mamoru was at a loss of how to stop it. Fate certainly wasn't making it easy. However, he couldn't bring himself to put the locket away.
He sighed heavily, replacing the box on the shelf and keeping his grip on the star in his hand.
Closing the closet door, he realized that the locket hadn’t given way to complete silence and the hair on his neck stood on end for a second as his ears perked to the sound of police sirens in the distance. He closed his eyes once again, willing his heart to slow down.
*It can't be anything involving her,* he thought to himself. The tugging at his heart, though familiar, wasn't because his beloved was in danger - at least not the supernatural kind.
Her laughter invaded his mind again as he allowed his thoughts to waver to her. Mamoru moved though his apartment to the sliding glass doors that lead out to his balcony and gripped the locket in his hand. His eyes began to water and he felt an uncomfortable pain his chest as small white flakes floated down from the clouds over the city, painting the darkness with their glow.
•I can't tell the stars•
•From the downtown lights•
Mamoru's grip on the locket tightened and his jaw clenched while his mind reeled over the decision that he was making. He cast a glance at the clock, reading the time in his head and calculating his moves quickly, wondering if she was still awake or not.
It was already too late to call, maybe he could catch a glimpse of her at her window. See her sleeping, peaceful. He wouldn't have to talk to her that way, she wouldn't have to see him, he wouldn't have to see her in pain - but he could see her.
He spun away from the windows and the snow and reached for his coat, dropping the locket into the pocket and zipping the jacket up over his neck. Checking for his keys, he slipped into his shoes and closed the door behind him, leaving the darkness of his home.
•If I said I was truly over you•
•My heart would say amen•
•But I give in to the cold caress of 2 a.m.•
•If I admit I can't get used to this•
•Would my heart break again•
•As I fall into the waiting arms of 2 a.m.•
The clock on her nightstand stared at her through the window of the balcony doors. She wondered for a brief minute how long she had been awake; her eyes ached from tears and exhaustion. After bringing the trashcan out onto the landing, she had stood outside for a few minutes and watched the snow fall, letting her heart fly on the wings of memories of things that were. When she had returned she’d realized that she was freezing and had gone inside immediately to retrieve a blanket. It wasn't long though before she came back out and started watching the snow again.
There was something calming about the flecks of ice falling to the ground. Something that seemed to wash away the sadness that had settled over the city. The ache in her heart had called to her too soon and her head had begun to ache as well.
Usagi now stared at the inside of the trashcan where she had placed the contents of the box that had toppled over. The characters on the cards and the people in the images stared up at her in a gleeful way, despite the lump in her throat.
She felt the match in her fingers, the fire at its tip casting a yellow glow over her tear-streaked face. She had already let three matches burn down to her fingers, the pain on her skin making her realize that she had lost her nerve to burn away the pain that was in her heart. She stared into the firelight, the aroma of the phosphorous at the head invading her nostrils.
She had tried so hard, so many times to get Mamoru to talk to her, to explain to her, to let her help...he wouldn't. He just turned his back on her now. She had to let go.
But she couldn't, no matter how her aching heart longed for peace.
She sighed deeply, her exhaled breath extinguishing the flame. Her eyes followed the smoke as it curled into the air and wrapped around the snowflakes that still fell. She shook her head, the snow that had settled over her blanket covered shoulders vibrated off, a familiar light caught her eye and she realized that the clouds had parted she could see the moon again.
Usagi took a deep breath and gave into the quiet that was surrounding her turning away from her dark bedroom and toward the cold air of the city, just standing for a moment in the glow of the one thing that seemed to offer her some sort of calm. Her body shook as a familiar melody rode the wind up to her balcony, she barely moved though her eyes searched quickly for a sight that she knew wouldn't be there. The lullaby was in her head, the locket had been lost long ago, as had Mamoru, and neither would be here this night to offer her console.
She sighed again, a resolute breath this time, and turned back toward her room. Her eyes stopped as they landed on a red rose that was her feet. Slowly, deliberately, she bent down and lifted it from the small layer of snow, giving herself the opportunity to believe that it was there. And then she was crying; she closed her eyes as tears fell down her cheeks and her shoulders were racked with sobs that she had been holding back the entire night.
She turned her head away and moved her hand to dangle over the edge of her balcony, her delicate fingers wrapped loosely around the stem of the rose, going slack and letting it slip through them and sail through the air.
With quick movements, she climbed through the window and into the darkness of her room, leaving the trashcan and her memories on the balcony, snow beginning to collect in it.
•As I fall•
•Into the waiting arms•
•Of 2 a.m.•
Mamoru closed the locket in his hand with a click, the muted air weighing on his ears. His eyes followed the rose as it fell from her fingers and crashed into the ground, its petals flying off in several directions. Tears rolled down his cheeks and his legs gave out beneath him, causing him to topple to the ground. His watery eyes stared out at the shattered symbol of their love and his ears listened to the silence of their song.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
“2 a.m.” © 2008 Bella Luna (beautifulmoon29@aol.com)
Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon, its associated characters and canon, as well as all that is afflilated with the creation, distribution, and promotion of Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon belong to Naoko Takeuchi and Kodansha.
Lyrics of '2 a.m.' © 2008 Christopher Ward and Rob Wells
The text of this work was created by Bella Luna (beautifulmoon29@aol.com) and is her exclusive property. Not to be used without her personal permission.
