Such similarities between the woman in front of me now, and the one I
desire to be
Disclaimer: I
do not own Samurai Champloo. Shiniji
Obara has a much better eye for what makes this anime work than myself, and I
will not take that credit from him. As
always, it’s a fanfic and I earn nothing from the telling of this tale.
Jin’s Quandary
Such similarities between the woman in front of me now, and
the one I desire to be. Does a man have
time to compare and contrast when he is in peril? I suppose, considering the outcome of one will affect the outcome
of the other.
The river rushes below me, unseen for the mist. One misstep and I slide through that gaping
void between the is and the isn’t. The
blind woman stabbing at me is less effective than the blind child who has
already caused my soul to bleed.
They look vaguely similar, the today and the yesterday. I sidestep, a quick acknowledgement that
pain is not always temporary, and she sighs.
The yesterday sighed too. She
sighed as she gently slipped the blade between my ribs and damaged my
soul. The family had been dissolved,
with one simple word…Jin. Short, like a
whip, the sound didn’t even echo in the room.
Other people had tried to use my name as a weapon, only one had succeeded.
The fiery man beside her yelled in protest, voicing the
agony that I was honor-bound to swallow.
Watching the ranting rooster, I shadowed my heart; folding its
burgeoning petals back into itself, wondering if the sun was forever gone. Glad that I was drinking tea instead of
sake, I washed the bitterness down with a liquid approximating the color of my
soul.
The journey was traveled in heavy silence, the ordinary day
not helping or harming the mood. As we
reached the crossing, the path where the road diverged, I held my
breath…waiting. The yesterday shuffled
feet, never making eye contact; and wished us well, a journey blessed with
heartache. I turned and walked, unable
to look back. I’d been given an
obligation, and a second glance would break something in me: my heart, or my
honor. I knew which was the greater
risk, and I made the weaker choice.
A nimble dance, the two of us like inverse lovers, touching
back to back instead of breast to breast.
Suddenly the today is standing over the maw and I see the past and the
future flicker through her eyes. Those
eyes that see no better than the yesterday’s heart. Does she regret the words unsaid, the actions that should have
spoken louder than words; but fell on deaf minds? Does the today wish she could undo the past, one gnarled knot at
a time, until the beads fall on the floor; unfettered by memories and
obligations?
The owl swings with her motions, drawing my eye as I know it
draws her mind. The memento of a child,
the most unattainable goal the today has.
The yesterday’s unobtainable goal also swings as a charm, the last
thoughts of a life turned away. My goal
hinges on the decisions my heart and mind make as I dance with the today, over
the never-ending canyon of our thoughts and desires.
Memories strangle me, causing me to weave when I should bob,
and the blade comes close enough to remind me that even the blind can
kill. Flashes of the yesterday running
from the group, my soft footsteps uncharacteristically echoing behind. Men do not chase women; and as I dodge the
nimble creature in front of me, a shadow of the other superimposes itself long
enough for me to realize the sadness here is only a reflection.
The yesterday’s tears were an acknowledgement of the today,
just like the ones gathering on the cheek opposite me. Does she realize she’s trying to kill a
dream? Is she also having to make a
choice? After all of the sacrifices
she’s made, has she finally decided for herself? And if so, where does that leave the yesterday? The questions all repeat, but in the past
tense; and I wonder myself if answers would be pleasure or pain.
The today moves, stepping faster than I can counter. I let my mind wander for one fraction of an
instant and she catches my weakness.
Just like a woman to know the exactness when a man becomes soft. As the blade approaches, I stare
fatalistically. Do I accept the fate
today is handing me, or do I fight to regain my lost Yesterday?
