All he wanted to do was numb the pain. The Starlights should have left weeks ago, but Seiya continued to delay their departure, and he was getting a bit tired of it. It was clear that Seiya, in male or female form, was in love with Usagi. And Mamoru didn’t like it. He hated that Seiya had been the one to wipe her tears; he hated that Seiya had been the one to hold her when she was upset. And he absolutely hated that it had been Seiya backing her up in battle instead of him. It was there in the way they spoke to each other, an understanding of one another that only came from closeness. That same closeness was missing whenever he spoke to his Usa now. He’d been gone for too long, dead for too long this time. He’d been replaced.
And it was tearing him apart.
There was a time, not long before he’d taken the special study abroad program in America, that he’d wondered about his feelings for Usagi. Mamoru had never been an emotional man, and Usagi was constantly proclaiming her adoration; it made him uneasy, and he wondered how much of his relationship was his current incarnation and how much was his previous. It was one of the reasons he’d taken the opportunity to begin with; he’d wanted a chance to explore his feelings away from her and her constant displays of affection.
He hadn’t gotten that, but what he had gotten was a rival; one that made him cringe as he realized he didn’t care how much of their relationship was based on who they used to be. He needed her. he needed her bright smile to warm his day; he needed her unending love and support to make him feel like a person. For so many years he’d felt like an outcast among humans, an anomaly with no memories, no past. Usagi changed that. She accepted him as he was, flaws and all. She accepted that he was cold and undemonstrative and loved him anyway.
He missed that. He was aware that she was no longer as comfortable hanging on him in public as she used to be and he was surprised to realize it hurt. He had grown so used to being the focus of her adoration that he didn’t know how to function without it. He was losing her and the worst of it was that he couldn’t blame her. he’d ssen his rival in both male and female forms, and either way, the alien was a charming, attractive creature. It was openly affectionate, something he had always struggled with. It was funny, witty and charming –and worse, it reminded him too much of the way he’d used to be around Usagi. In fact, watching them together had brought back too many memories and it was hard to be an outsider in their banter, knowing that once upon a time it had been him that made her eyes flash that way just to see the heat rise to her cheeks. She was never so beautiful as when she was annoyed. He groaned mentally – now he was even thinking in clichés.
He wanted to be that man again, the one that made her face light up, the one that made her groan in irritation. He shook his head. He would give nearly anything to go back to being that man for her; it was obvious that Usagi had missed it as much as he had, but instead of saying something to him about it, he’d merely been replaced, and it hurt. A knock on the door turned him away from his thoughts and he stood, smoothing his slacks as he made his way across the room, ignoring the Mamoru-shaped dent in his sofa as he did.
He opened the door and stared in shock. Usagi was on the other side, her golden-blonde hair falling in soft waves to her feet, her crystalline blue eyes filled with tears.
“Usa-ko?” he asked in shock. She smiled weakly up at him.
“Can I come in?” Her voice was small, and he could only remember one other occasion where she’d sounded so broken – the day he’d broken up with her. His heart clenched at the memory. He opened the door wider and stepped back, allowing her entrance into his sanctuary. It already bore her indelible stamp in the pictures that adorned the walls, the little touches she added like houseplants and decorative pillows. It was as much her as him, if not more.
When he turned his back on her to close the door, he was startled to feel her arms wrap snugly around his waist, her breasts pushed into his back as she rubbed her face against his shoulder blades.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, amazed at how calm he sounded.
“I know you went away because you had to, and I know you weren’t here for me because you couldn’t be, but you’re here now, and I don’t know why you’re being so distant,” she sobbed into his back and he tensed.
“I’m sorry, Usa,” he whispered, bowing his head.
“Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it, Mamo-chan,” she continued brokenly. “Whatever I have to do, I’ll do it.”
“It’s nothing you’re doing, Usa,” he said softly turning in her arms until he could wrap his own around her slender waist, reveling in the feeling that was often denied him lately, basking in the comfort of her touch. “I’m just being a jerk, as usual.”
“You’re not a jerk!” she shouted, leaning back to look up at him confusedly. “Why do you say that?”
He leaned down to drop a kiss on the top of her head, tightening his arms. “I’m just being stupid, Usa.”
“I don’t understand.” Her words were muffled by his shirt and he felt his heart breaking at the pain in her voice. His own pain he could handle, he was used to it, but never hers. Her pain was something he couldn’t bear to witness, let alone be the cause of. He’d rather look like an idiot in front of the entire world than see her cry, even if it was over something as foolish as someone else eating the last piece of candy.
He scooped her up into his arms, his chest tight as her eyes met his and he saw the tears pouring down her cheeks. He carried her into the living room and sat on the sofa, refitting his body to the Mamoru-shaped indentation he’d made earlier and debated on whether he could truly confess the cause of his upset to her while she was so distraught. When she buried her face into his neck, soaking his shirt with her tears, he knew he stood no chance.
“I’m jealous, Usa,” he mumbled into her hair, both hoping and fearing that she’d heard him.
“Jealous?” she asked, picking her head up to let him view her astonishment. “Of who?”
He risked a sardonic look at her face before shaking his head in resignation. “Do you remember what we were like when we first met?” he asked instead, his arms going tight around her.
“Of course,” she said, a faint smile breaking across her face. “You were such a jerk – always teasing me and calling me names.”
“I was flirting, Usa,” he groaned. It amazed him that she hadn’t figured that out yet. Especially with the ponytailed wonder doing the same thing. “You were cute, especially when you’d get all riled up like that. It’s the same reason he does it,” he added bitterly.
“He?” she asked, confusing gracing her features again.
“Seiya.” The word was poison on his tongue, and he spat it out like such.
“Seiya?” she repeated. “Wait – Seiya? You’re jealous of Seiya?” She kept repeating the name, completely unaware that it was killing him to hear it on her lips. “Mamo-chan, why on earth would you be jealous of Seiya?”
“Because he reminds me too much of me when we first met, and,” he took a deep breath as he prepared to get the words out. “And I miss that, sometimes.”
“You miss me screeching at you?” she demanded, her eyes wide.
“Sometimes,” he admitted softly, waiting for her laughter. “It’s hard to imagine, I’m sure, but I do.”
“Me, too,” she whispered. “We might not have gotten along all the time, but it was – exciting. I always knew that if I ran into you, it wouldn’t be boring. I used to look forward to our little collisions.”
“Is that why you don’t touch me in public anymore?” he asked, wincing at the uncertainty he heard in his own voice.
“What? I thought you hated it when I did that!” she said. “I’ve grown up a lot since you were gone, Mamo-chan. I was just trying to respect your need for privacy.”
He suddenly felt foolish. “I’m an idiot,” he muttered again. “I thought you preferred him.”
“Seiya?” she asked again, as though she really couldn’t believe it. “You thought I preferred Seiya to you?” He nodded mutely, waiting for her to screech at him and then storm from the room. Instead, she did something he would never have predicted; she laughed, a deep, belly laugh that had her doubled over.
“Oh, Mamo-chan, that’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard,” she gasped around her giggles and he stared at her in shock. This was his little Usa-ko? This young woman who could laugh at his jealousy instead of shouting at him? He was suddenly certain that this was an impostor. If it wasn’t, he didn’t know what to do.
“I’m so pleased I amuse you, Usa,” he muttered darkly, tempted to let her drop to the floor in his irritation.
“I’m sorry,” she said, making a concerted effort to stop laughing despite the twitching at the corners of her mouth. “But it is funny. You’re jealous that I would prefer a woman who masquerades as a man to you? Why would I do that?”
“He was here when I wasn’t,” he grumbled, well aware that his frustration was beginning to show but beyond caring. “He’s the one that fought beside you this time. You faced your strongest enemy yet and I wasn’t here to save you. I barely even registered on Galaxia’s radar. You’ve grown so powerful that I’m just this useless distraction that people eliminate before going after you. But he stood up to her. He saved you countless times, and I wasn’t even a threat to her.”
Her face sobered instantly. “She took great delight in the fact that she got you,” Usagi said softly. “She gloated over it; rubbed it in my face. She considered you her most prized possession.” His anger seeped away in the face of her pain. Mamoru wrapped his arms more tightly around her small frame and buried his face into the golden hair that pooled around them like a cloud.
“How could I ever prefer Seiya?” she asked softly. “I love you, Chiba Mamoru – Mamoru-baka,” she added teasingly. “I’ve loved you for years in this time, completely separate of the past. And I’ll love you in the next time, too,” she said softly.
“I love you, too,” he whispered, wondering when he’d last told her. “You’re my world, Usa, and you always have been.” She turned in his arms then and brought her lips up to meet his. For the next several hours, she proceeded to show him just how much she loved him in ways that needed no words, and when she went home, knowing that her parents would be furious that she was out so late, and he was alone again, he returned to his earlier thoughts.
And he, too, wondered how he could be so stupid. Usagi was Usagi, and he knew that better than anyone else. But this new Usagi was someone that would take some getting used to. He realized that he’d have to get to know her all over again, and he wasn’t adverse to the idea.
Not at all, he thought as he settled himself back onto his pillows, linking his fingers and putting them behind his head, reveling in the coolness of the sheet as it rested around his bare waist. Not at all, he repeated with a satisfied smile.
