Reflections in D minor
Reflections in
D minor
A RahXephon fanfiction by regie27
Standard Disclaimers apply
Warning: For those who haven't seen the entire
series, this fic contains spoilers.
Fugue
First soloist:
Kisaragi Itsuki
"I'm always the substitute, no matter where I go."
The words I told Haruka
are still lodged in my throat, stinging, burning. Neither the warmth of her
lips that still lingered over mine nor the tart taste of the liquor serves to
alleviate the sting of the truth. My
only purpose in life was to serve as a sort of fail safe program, a runner up
like in those beauty pageants. "Should
the winner be unable to fulfill the duties..." is what the runner up
is always told, and I feel I came to this world just
for that same purpose. It hadn't been necessary though, because oka-san chose *him* instead. While he was carefully molded
at her will, I was left at the care of the Bahbem
Foundation. They would make sure that since I was already available,
my talent could serve them in their occult purposes. At least my blood and lineage would ensure
that much.
But our okaa-san hadn't
been the only one to choose my onni-san over me. Haruka, my former college sweetheart, now so dashing and
serious in her TERRA captain's uniform, turns into a blushing schoolgirl in a
heartbeat with just one look into his eyes. I've seen it clearly, how she
stares at him, her eyes unveiling to the world what her heart so desires, and
yet, he is so oblivious to it all. How can he be so blind I wonder, but maybe
it is because it's easier for me to notice from my observer's perspective or
maybe it is because I know her too well,
even better than herself. She has always been an open book to me and even with
the wisdom of age and her military training, she's
unable to keep her emotions masked from me.
My hands find a rare picture of us in happier times
and I remember how I wished back then she could have looked as happy with me as
she did with him. Ah, that's one of my dirty little secrets. I found out about
the picture she doesn't show anyone but keeps well hidden. When I pieced all
the pieces of the puzzle together, I became mad, angry to know that her first
and purest affections had been and still remained for him after all the years.
I understood the melancholy, the sadness, the longing that clouded her eyes,
its glance always lost within the secluded orb that once contained the owner of
her heart trapped inside. It all made sense to me then. Cursed with the fact
that more than siblings, we were twins, she was never able to see me, the real
me, Kisaragi Itsuki, as I
wished she did. That relationship was an exercise in futility; it was doomed
from the beginning and in retrospective I thank her for ending it before we
dragged ourselves into more deception and pain.
Am I jealous? How could I not be when he has taken
it all and left me with nothing? What I had to forcefully take tonight, it
would have been voluntarily offered without hesitation to him. It hurt me badly
to notice how her body instinctively tensed as if she wanted to escape when I placed
my arms around her. It had been like that always and tore me inside. Haruka had never been able to feel comfortable with me near
and is sadly too understandable: my likeness to him is a reminder of what was
lost so long ago, of what had been robbed from her life.
But now, what it's hurting me the most is that I
know that Quon will soon choose him too. As I watch
her playing a haunting melody in her violin, I realize I am doomed to lose her
too. My sleeping beauty. I had become so used to
believe that she was mine and mine alone that I forgot that she was fated to
wake up, to sing her song…for him.
Makoto has always despised the fact he's just a D
type instrumentalist, but I'm worse than that. I'm just a replacement, someone
with unlimited potential that will remain stumped, a larvae that will never
grow its butterfly wings and fly. A beautiful song never to be sang or played.
What could have been but never was and never will be.
Ayato, my dearest onii-san, to the winged heart of a god, tonight I drink to
you and your unlimited potential. I warn you though: you better not dare to
waste it, because it is not only yourself you are wasting. You'll be wasting
the both of us.
The sands of time continue their inexorable path
forward, nearing us to the day my sleeping beauty will wake up and take her
place alongside my onii-san. As my hand reaches
downwards to the evidence of my failure engraved in my stomach, the words I
told Makoto echo in my mind: "let's just say that I will not forgive him
if he fails."
_______________________________________________________________________
Second soloist:
Shitow Haruka
The reflections of the moon sketch intricate
patterns upon the sea's surface. The island
of Nirai
by the moonlight, it is been said, shimmers with a sort of supernatural aura to
it when looked from afar. Some speculate it is because of the mysteries that
lie within the Neriya Shrine. I wonder if that aura
is what is affecting me tonight.
I shift a little and I feel the cool, smooth surface
of the hood of my car against my arm. With the corner of my eye, I catch a
single light still coming from my home. Perhaps is Megumi wondering what the
hell has gotten into her crazed sister, staying so late at night outside while
sitting on her car. Poor Megu.
I know she felt the tension in the air as Ayato and I
returned from Itsuki's place earlier that evening. He
was so distraught; he only managed to nod back at her when she greeted him. I
know she was about to balk at him but my glance stopped her. She must have
understood well, because she was content to bid us goodnight and leave
discreetly to her room in silence, but I could clearly see worry in her eyes.
Taking a hot cup of coffee laced with brandy with
me, I excused myself and came outside, seeking the healing air of the cool
night to help me clear my mind and soothe my heart from the pain of freshly
inflicted wounds received in this war of emotions that has been tearing us
inside. I've let the radio on and suddenly my trail of thoughts is interrupted.
I can't avoid the sad grin that materializes on my face as I listen to the
song:
"I'm finding my way back to you
and everything I used to be
and waiting is all I can do
until you find your way back to
me."
Waiting. I know how to do that all
too well. I've been waiting a lifetime, and for what I wonder. For a schoolgirl's illusion? For what many would consider
the fleeting, unstable emotions of young hearts learning what love is? Have I
done everything I've accomplished for the same feeling Megu-chan
has for Major Yagumo? Oh, I've seen her, even if she
doesn't even suspect I've noticed. She believes her onee-chan
is up her neck with work to see what her little sister's up to, but I have
indeed taken notice. The admiring glances, the trance-like moments when you see
the object of your affection in a single frame without anything around to
interfere with the image. It is not that I don't believe what she feels for him
isn't sincere. It is just that I've seen her look at Ayato
in the same way. And before Yagumo-kun and Ayato, it was another boy with whom she used to go to
school with. Her young heart is seeking for someone to share that precious
illusion with, but often times, as I dread to admit, that overwhelming
sensation is just a child's whim, fated to fade away with the next sunrise.
Have I've gambled a portion of my life on an
illusion that now I ask myself if it was foolish to pursue? I shaped my life,
what I am and what I do to prepare myself for the day I was given the
opportunity to return and finish what had been left truncated by war and a
cruel destiny. When I found out what TERRA was all about, I saw it as the step
that would put me closer to my goal. I gave it my all to be accepted in their
ranks, managing to go as far as become part of the Intelligence Branch and to
be promoted to captain in record time. Life has a funny way to screw you
whenever it has the chance and by design of the fates, who must have been
laughing at me again, Itsuki, the one that reminded
me so much of the one that had been lost, was also here. As soon as we got
reacquainted and enjoyed remembrances of our college years, it was made clear
he was still hurt by what had or better, what had not happened between us back
then.
Why did Itsuki have to
kiss me tonight? I haven't seen love in his eyes in a long time, yet he still
pursues me and in turn the ghosts that haunt me are conjured all over again.
Was it because of jealousy, because of all the attention I've been giving Ayato? What was he expecting, damn it? It is hard enough for
me to act around him as if it nothing happened, with all the burden of the
truth weighting on me, waiting for the best moment to finally disclose the
truth to him. Of all the people in this world, he must understand well what I'm
going through. But after this, I don't know what to do.
I gather my breath, trying to clear my mind, yet
something still haunts me. I shiver recalling how Ayato
looked at me when he caught Itsuki kissing me. The
message was silent, yet for me it was as loud as a scream. The shock, the
outrage of betrayal, *my* betrayal after I had asked him to trust me. If he
only knew how it hurt me to see him that way. My hands ball into fists, as
frustration and rage seep through me. All my efforts, the hard work and
determination of years destroyed with just one untimely kiss. Oh Itsuki, you knew all too well what would happen. You are
far too intelligent and careful to act only out of impulse. You knew how Ayato was going to react, but you forgot about me, the one
you say you care for, in your little plan. You forgot that by hurting him you
had to also hurt me.
Salty tears slip down my cheeks, as I feel my own
nails digging deep over my palms. I can sense pain as I press so tightly my
skin is pierced yet it is not enough to numb the misery inside. I let out a
primal scream, listening as my trembling voice echoes through the night.
"Such foolishness; you're such a child Shitow Haruka. Why you insist in
seeking an impossible dream? You should have had let go long ago!" - the part of me that is the logical, calculating one chides
me with the tone a mother would use to reprimand a child. But yet, even at the
bottom of my despair I refuse to give up. I can't, I just can't! Not now when
he’s so close I can reach out and touch him. But not yet.
The right time hasn't arrived.
The wind dries my tears and I close my eyes, letting
its cool tendrils caress my hair. I inhale deeply the brisk air, feeling calmer
and a little more grounded. Suddenly, I feel the unmistakable sensation of
being observed. I turn my head around, expecting to see Megumi but instead it
is Ayato I see, his eyes reflecting less of the
storms that abated his soul. He seems tired, as if he had been battling demons
of his own. I offer him a subtle smile without expecting anything in return. It
seems my scream has reached the heavens because I am offered in solace with a
small miracle: his lips curve into a small smile of his own.
I notice his cheeks blushing slightly and before I can read more into his
expression, his face disappears behind the sliding door.
I smile inwardly. I take the small gift with
caution; feelings are so fragile and trust is difficult to build yet so easy to
damage. Still, I barely notice that my feet slowly sway to the melody of an
upbeat song that plays in my radio. I decide to, as I've doing before, to take
things one step at a time and live life by the day.
"Until you find your way
back to me."
_______________________________________________________________________
Third soloist:
Kamina Ayato
Such irony! I would've never imagined that the sound
of a D-1 aria would've been music to my ears. The appearance of that Dolem was a blessing in disguise for me, for it gave me an
excuse to leave, an escape so I didn't have to confront the fact of what I had
just witnessed. I could feel her glance over me and I remember her saying my
name but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to care. I thanked Quon
in silence; the distraction of the Dolem and her
strange reaction to its appearance delayed the full impact of what I saw, at
least for a while.
The trek back home (can I still call it home?) had
been suffused in profound silence, so deep I could almost hear my own
heartbeat. I knew she would glance at me through the rear mirror but my eyes
remained on the sea, as if the waves could wash away from my mind the imprint
of what I had just seen. I know my expression was anything but friendly when we
finally arrived because even chatty Megumi allowed me to enter without a single
argument.
I lay down in my room watching the patterns of the
ceiling, trying to make sense of what happened tonight, of my emotions, of what
it means to me. The world is safe for another day but my heart is aching. A
bitter taste invades my senses and my head is spinning out of control. I seek
for solace, for an escape, but how can I escape myself?
When the RahXephon pulled
the bow against the Dolem, it was not only because of
my worry for Quon. It was also my anger. Quon realized it when she told me I was taking the path of
destruction, but I didn’t care. How I could care for anything when I’m being
betrayed by her of all people. I placed my trust in her and for reasons I can’t
still explain, I felt a connection, no, an attraction between the two of us
forming. It sounds insane but I have to admit it. How could I forget how
wonderful it felt to awaken in her arms when I got lost with Quon at the ruins? To open my eyes and see her worried
expression looking back at me? I didn't even minded being sore and bruised for
the rest of the day by her very effusive embrace. I felt cared for, I felt,
dare I say it…loved.
It was hard, but I took the courage to ask Megumi if
her sister had a boyfriend, being so smart and pretty and all. Without knowing
it, Megu had given me hopes when she told me that she
only knew of someone, but that had been years ago, and so I basked in the small
hope that I might had a chance. The reality of what Kim had commented that day
at the beach had been nagging my head for a while. If I had been on normal
time, I would have been now the same age as Itsuki-san
and Haruka-san. I would not be a child confused by
his feelings. However, the fact is that I'm a Tokyo Jovian and my clock was
slowed to a crawl, and now I have to life with the consequences of that. Still,
a small hope remained inside my heart. I knew, or so I thought before tonight,
that a similar feeling was blooming inside her towards me.
But then it happened…Itsuki-san,
the old flame, returned to her life and so just like that I'm displaced from
her heart. My mind freezes the fateful frame, the instant when I entered with Quon and found her…with Itsuki…his
arms greedily around her and his lips fastened over hers. I just stood there
with my mouth open, watching helpless as a prey watches its hunter about to
attack. My temples ache and I sway my head violently as if I could shake off
the memory.
Why does everybody I care for betray me? Why does
everyone have to hide the truth from me? I might be young but I can handle the
harsh truth. I prefer it to handle the pain of betrayal. Okaa-san,
you-you hid the truth from me for all these years. You manipulated me like a
puppet for your own interests, never thinking about me or even seeking my
opinion of it all. The world I used to live is a lie, a self-contained package
of mirages and half truths in which you are raised to live oblivious to the
fact there's a whole world outside waiting to be discovered. Okaa-san, you lied to me and the day I saw your skin shed
blue blood, my whole world crumbled beneath my feet.
And Haruka-san…what should
I do about you? You seek to tell me the truth, yet I know you keep it away from
me. I know that you are hiding things from me, just like the rest, but when you
do so it hurts even more. And now this… I wish you
could have been honest about it, but now I found out in the worst way possible.
The bitter taste is almost unbearable now, so I
leave my room to get a glass of water. As I walk back from the kitchen, I hear
the faint sound of music and I notice that Haruka-san
is still outside. As I carefully open the rice paper door, I see her bathed by
the moon’s light. My heart skips a beat. I’m tempted to walk outside but I
something stops me. The picture of what I saw is still mercilessly playing
inside my head, mocking me, but before I turn around, I see the long tears that
escape her eyes. Her fists are tightly closed and suddenly, I hear her shout
loudly. Is it anger what I hear in her voice? No, it is pain, so deep and
intense it makes my skin tremble. My own suffering is temporarily forgotten as
I witness in silence her grief. I wonder what is making her suffer in such a
manner but I wish I could go outside to dry her tears, to offer my shoulder for
her to cry on. My feet are about to walk the distance between us when I
remember grimly, I’m not the one who has the privilege of consoling her, but
him…
Caught in my own thoughts, I realize she has sensed
my presence and before I can react, she turns around and her glance locks with
mine. Her eyes are still glistening with tears yet to be shed but somehow, she manages
to offer me a sad smile. My brain is suddenly jumpstarted, its gears grind
frantically as it tries to place the images that flash through my mind like a
puzzle. The pose, the turn of the head, the amazingly warm hazelnut colored
eyes. They seemed for a brief instant so familiar…where, where have I seen it?
"Mishima?"
I manage to smile back as my memory tries in vain to
make the connection, but it is useless. My memories are a mesh of symbols and
created sensations, of dates and recollections that were manufactured and
implanted by those that sought my power. Still, I feel the knots inside me
dissolving, at least temporarily. I know the hurt is still there, but I allow
myself to enjoy this moment in which we are content to behold each other. Haruka, if only I had been found sooner...
I look away, unable to withstand her glance for much
longer. I can't bear the cavalcade of mixed feelings that are assaulting me. I
know I have to sort out through them all in order to find out who I am and my place in this world that seems to be so
hostile and so deceiving. I've already
fled the city with the barrier; now I just need to bring down the barriers that
trap me to this state of helplessness and turmoil.
You brought me out from the enclosed city but I venture
to wonder… Haruka-san, will you be able to free my
soul from my own binds?
~Fin~
Glossary:
1.
Okaa-san – mother
2.
Oni-san - brother
Author's Notes:
Song lyrics quoted from "Finding your way
back" by Michelle Branch from the CD "Hotel Paper." When I heard
the song, I thought its chorus fitted Haruka
perfectly, so I decided to use in the story.
If you haven't realized it yet, this story is based
on Episode 13 "Sleeping Beauty." I took some liberties with Itsuki because it is not made explicit when he found out
about Ayato and Haruka, but
it is clear he's very much aware of his brother and the relationship he had
with Haruka in the past.
And if you're wondering what is a fugue? Reference(dot)com defines it "as a type of musical piece written in counterpoint for several
independent musical voices." Since this series uses music so heavily
throughout, I wanted to add a musical reference, hence the format.
