Neon Monkey
“What is this?!?”
Sailor Galaxia could not believe her
eyes. There she was, the galaxy's greatest heroine and villain, the
golden queen. Her power was invincible, her defenses were
impenetrable. No living mortal was to be able to get through into her
lair.
Unfortunately, the fat dork that stood
in front of her managed to do just that, Donkey Kong shirt, jeans and
all.
“How.....!?”
“...Well,” The girl
scratched her head, adjusting her glasses as she shuffled her feet.
“I wanted to come here because, well, I'm a big fan of yours,
and, well, Sailor Moon didn't autograph my t-shirt. So...”
“But why....” At this,
Galaxia stood up to her full height. “How did you get
here?”
“I...took a taxi to the station.”
The girl shuffled her feet more. “The bus was two hours late-”
“No. That's NOT what I
meant!” Galaxia's glare towered over the girl. “How did
you get in here, in my throne room?”
“Oh, that.” The fat girl
waved it off. “The cute little cosplay girl out front let me
in.”
Galaxia's gold eyes slit at these
words. She made a mental note to give Iron Mouse a good thrashing, if
not outright kill her, after disposing of the pathetic human.
“So....you know of me.”
“Yep.”
“You know of my objectives.”
“To take star seeds? Yep.”
“You knew how to get through the
electric barrier.”
“Yep.” The girl nodded. “I
watched episode 196.”
“Then tell me,” Ignoring
the strange e-word, Galaxia held up her wrists, revealing her glowing
bracelets. “...why I shouldn't kill you and watch your
disgusting, fat sack of flesh burn off your bones for trespassing?”
“Eeeeep!” The girl's eyes
bigged out from beneath the glasses. “I mean, yes, I
will!”
At this, the girl took out a picture
and held it in front of her. Lowering her wrists, Sailor Galaxia
stared at the photo, her power bringing it forward to her.
“That's why.”
In the photo, the girl was surrounded
by freakishly deformed dolls that looked like the sailor soldiers, as
well ass much larger dolls that were bigger than Galaxia. Also in the
photo were books, videos, plastic figurines, doll houses, and CD
holders. The girl even wore an ill-fitting wig which had the
hairstyle of Sailor Galaxia's blond nemesis, the soldier named Sailor
Moon.
“I hate Sailor Moon.” The
queen simply stared at the photo as the girl talked. “I hate
her beyond all my wildest passions! I used to think she was cool, but
then she wouldn't sign my t-shirt for me. I mean, she was my idol!
I'd worshiped her for years! Couldn't she have taken just five
seconds away from fighting that rabid half-tiger phage to just write
a few hiragana?” At this, the girl's face darkened. “I
mean, it's not like the thing was going to mangle anyone else
at that point! So, I want revenge!”
Galaxia looked up from the photo at
this. The girl's expression was one of rage and determination, and
she balled her fists together.
“I, Rina Papir, want to kill
Sailor
Moon!!”
The look on the golden queen's face was
priceless. Her eyes were simply blank, and her mouth was open, unsure
of whether it should form words or keep shut. One of her eyebrows
twitched up and down uncontrollably.
“....You.....”
There was a very long pause after this.
A very, very long pause. Meanwhile, outside, many things happened in
the world. People lived, people died, children played and adults
played as well, though not in the same ways as children did. The
pause was so long, in fact, that an entire uncut episode of any
series could have played uninterrupted by the events unfolding in the
Galaxy TV building.
Finally, the queen spoke.
“.....you are insane.”
“...W.....what?!”
“I can't take you!” Galaxia
threw the photo down and stamped on it. “How do I know you
won't go off and tell Sailor Moon of my plans? You obviously know too
much. I must kill you.”
“But....come ON!” The
girl's face fell. “I need this job. I can't work in a movie
theatre forever! At the rate I'm going I'll smell like popcorn until
I'm 100!”
“But-”
“I'm hard-working.” The
girl's eyes began to water. “I'm dependable, I'm friendly, I
can keep secrets, I'm American....yeah, I'm kind of fat, but....with
me, it would be like the Spanish Inquisition for your enemies!”
“I-”
“Pleeeeeeeease, your majesty! I'm
begging you, hire me!” The girl went onto her hands and knees.
“I'll do anything! I'll make your food! I'll do your laundry!
I'll...eat onions! Onions, for God's sake! I hate
onions! PLEEEEEASE!!”
At this, the girl quickly went into a
bent position, and began to kowtow to the sailor. Unfortunately, her
head went down so quickly that she banged it against the glass floor,
cracking the tile and opening a gash in her head.
“OW!!” The girl gave a howl
as the blood gushed from her wound. “Aaah....pig nipples!
Aaaaaaah, that hurt like a mother!”
It was at this oddly amusing moment
that Galaxia couldn't help but somehow admire the girl for trying.
Despite the fact that she was fat, ugly, smelly and human, Galaxia
could only sigh at the lengths the girl was willing to go to be a
part of her clandestine organization.
“....Fine.” As the girl
whimpered, Galaxia snapped her fingers. “Get up, you.”
“R....” The girl's eyes
sparkled. “Really?”
“One time.” Galaxia's voice
lowered. “You get one chance. If you fail you automatically
die.”
“Oh, of course.” At this,
the girl gave a salute. “I'll be the best Animamate you have.”
“Yeah.....sure.”
At this, Galaxia held up her hand and
called forth two golden bracelets, which floated towards the girl. As
they came in closer, a flash of energy hit the girl, and out came her
star seed, which turned black upon hitting the air. Immediately, the
bracelets clamped onto the girl, and she was engulfed in white light.
“Rina Papir, Earthling. I now
proclaim you....” Galaxia's voice mumble as she said the words,
“....Sailor....Neon Monkey.”
“Yaay!”
The golden queen frowned as the
newly-christened figure emerged from the white light. The girl's new
form wasn't much better than her old one. In fact, other than adding
a neon orange sailor top, removing the glasses, adding animal ears,
changing her hair from brown to yellow and inverting her clothing
colors, there was nothing different at all.
“Yee-ha!” Leaping into the
air, Neon Monkey posed in several different, goofy styles. “For
love, justice, and....wait. I'm a bad guy. Heh, oops. Then...for
evil, injustice and the un-American way! And, uh, turtles! And
chocolate! And peanut butter! And Uma Thurman! And...”
“Good god, just get to the
end.”
“The Sailor Animamate, Neon
Monkey!”
“Right right.” Mumbling
still, Galaxia waved her away. “Now get out of here before I
regret this even more.”
“Okay! Let's
see....for....polka! And the color red-violet! And....”
Still posing, still thinking of new
things to stand for, the new Animamate disappeared as quickly as she
had appeared. She left the golden queen alone to cry, or at least
consider crying but dismiss it as being too out of character for her.
Instead, the golden queen hoped for Neon's swift demise.
---------------
“Hey mom! Mom! Mooom!!”
Immediately after becoming Sailor Neon
Monkey, and after she reappeared in Tokyo, Rina Papir knew the first
thing she needed to do was to find the sailor soldiers and kill them.
Before that, though, she decided to get something to eat. Before
that, though, she then decided to call her family with the
good news.
“Mooom!” Neon's voice
squeaked. “Hi, mom!”
“......mmm.” A groggy,
irritated voice came through on the cell phone receiver. “Rina?”
“Hi!”
“....Why
are you calling? It's three in the morning here.”
“I'm your daughter.” Neon
frowned. “Why shouldn't I call you?”
“It's three in the morning
here.” The sentence was repeated through clenched
teeth. “What do you want?”
“Mom!” Neon waved her free
hand frantically. “Guess what! I met Sailor Gala-”
“Hey! Watch it!”
“....Sorry.” Neon satopped
waving her hand to let the businessman go by. “Anyways, I met
Sailor Galaxia!”
“Who?”
“Sailor Galaxia!” Neon's
cheeks flushed. “And...and I got her to make me a sailor
soldier! Mom, I'm Sailor Neon Monkey! I'm going to kill the sailor
senshi and become part of the Sailor Moon canon!”
There was an awkward moment of silence
as Neon waited for her mother's jubilant answer. Meanwhile, cars
zoomed through the nearest intersection, and passerby Japanese
ignored the oddly-dressed foreigner.
“.....Rina......”
Finally, the voice came back. “You're
on drugs, aren't you?”
“M-MOM!?” Rina's eyes
bugged out. “No! No, it's tru-”
“I'll
talk to you after the high wears off. Bye.”
“Moooom!?”
Neon whimpered as she heard the phone
click. Shoving her own phone closed, she dug her fists into her
pockets and started off across the street as soon as the crossing
sign turned green.
I'll show mom. Tears of rage
formed in Neon Monkey's eyes. I'll show the world. I'll get Sailor
Moon's star seed and then I'll show mom I'm not on drugs!
As she got halfway across the street,
however, her eyes, no longer needing glasses, she noticed something
coming around the corner. Being the fan she was, she all too easily
recognized the two dumpling-shaped buns, the cascading blonde hair,
the blue eyes. With her were four companions, all easily spotted by
the new Animamate.
“Haha! I found you!!”
With a laugh, Neon Monkey pointed towards the group, all of them in
human form, as they went down the sidewalk in front of her. “That
was pretty quick! Sailor Moon, I know your identity! Now, I'm going
to get revenge on you for not signing my t-shirt!”
There was no response. The girls seemed
too absorbed in whatever they were talking about to even notice the
wayward sailor challenging them.
“I wi....hey, get back here!
Don't ignore me!!” Neon Monkey stomped her foot. “Fine!
I'll kick your ass anyways, you ungrateful cow! This is for all the
money I spent on your merchandise!! Galactica Vivisection!!!!”
Bringing her hands together with a
clap, Neon Monkey then brought her arms back out to her sides, then
brought them back together in an abrupt scissor-like maneuver. Her
bracelets glowed brightly, anticipating the attack that was capable
of cutting diamond in half.
“W.....What the hell!?”
Five minutes passed after the words
were spoken, but nothing happened. Nothing split in half; nothing
even remotely looked like it was going to split in half.
“Whe....RAAAARGH!” Neon
Monkey was ready to tear her hair out. “Stupid move!”
Meanwhile, in Pisa, the Leaning Tower
suddenly and mysteriously snapped in half. The upper part of the
tower fell to the ground, crushing tens of hundreds of luckless
tourists and cows.
“It looks like I'll just have to
kill you with my bare hands!” Determined not to let the girls
disappear into the crowds, Neon Monkey started to walk again. “I'll
put a-”
“LOOK OUT!!”
Being so focused on her mission Neon
Monkey barely had time to hear the shouts of the people on the curb
before she saw what was coming towards her. Once she heard it,
however, she managed to turn to the street, just in time to see the
giant Mack truck two inches from her face.
“Oh no-”
*BLAM!!!!!!!*
Sailor Neon Monkey flew two hundred
feet across the intersection, her arms flailing wildly. The impact
was so powerful that she crashed through a shop window a block away,
tumbled several times, and slammed head first into the nearest wall,
which happened to also be a line of metal shelving.
“AAAAAUGH!!!!!” More blood
gushing from her head, and her body broken in many places, Sailor
Neon Monkey groaned. “Ugh, this gig sucks. It can't get
any wor-”
Neon Monkey's words were cut off by the
sound of metal going through the floor, mere millimeters from her
toes. Slowly looking up, Neon Monkey could see the glimmering metal
blades, dangerously leaning down from the now-bent shelves they had
sat on. It was fortunate that Neon Monkey had actually managed to
survive the impact into the metal shelving, as she had hit it with
enough force to take off a person's head.
Unfortunately, the store she landed in
was a cutlery store.
“Oh, shit.”
--------------------
And so, the brief and tragic odyssey
of the soldier known as Sailor Neon Monkey came to an end. Her
bracelets cut open by the knives, her body instantly disappeared, and
she was never brought back to life. She was remembered fondly by
Sailor Galaxia, who fondly put....put..........
Oh, who are we kidding? She sucked!
We're glad she wasn't brought back! Could you imagine what
would have happened if she came back? She'd have hit some other
random target and ruined other important monuments! Killed innocent
bystanders! And the cows! Please, who will protect the cows
from her insanity?!
But never mind that. She is gone,
and the cows are safe. Though, we wouldn't have minded her killing
marmots. Or deer.
Oh, dear. I think I've run out of
things to say.
So then, goodbye, and remember what
Minako would say (we think): neon monkeys bring nothing but sarcasm.
And self-inserts.
Thank you, and have a good night!
