August
24th, 2006. Tokyo.
"SETSUNA-SAAAN!"
The
invasion was swift, unexpected, and right in the middle of Setsuna
Meiou's lunch. A blast of wind propelled into the kitchen before the
creator of the wind - a young girl in her teens - burst into the
room, a newspaper in her hand. A wild look in her eyes, it was
apparent she had something to tell the older woman, something so
urgent that it involved interrupting the ingestion of a turkey
sandwich and a pitcher of lemonade on a quiet summer afternoon.
"Setsuna-san!"
Usagi Tsukino was out of breath as she stopped. "Setsuna,
I...they...it...I...you're...your world..."
"Mmm."
Setsuna swallowed what she had in her mouth and took another bite,
not bothering to look at the younger girl. "Hmm?"
"Setsuna-san..."
Usagi's eyes were clearly starting to water. "The
astronomers...Prague...they...they...you're no longer a planet!"
"Mmm."
"You're
not part of the solar system anymore!" Usagi threw the paper
down. "Its on the front page! What are we going to do!
You...your planet...your power...what'll happen to it!"
"Hmm."
Usagi
looked at Setsuna frantically, hoping she had an answer, a piece of
hope for herself, Instead, the soldier of time didn't seem to even
have any reaction to the news as she took yet another bite into her
sandwich.
"Setsuna-san..."
"...Silly
humans." The response was a surprise to Usagi. "Thinking
they know everything about what a planet is."
"Huh?"
"There's
nothing to worry about, Usagi." Setsuna calmly put her sandwich
down. "I knew this would happen, and I was there this morning
when they announced it. Even if I wasn't there, I have friends who
called me with the news."
"I..."
"But
regardless of what they say, or how much they rejoice, I'm still a
planet."
"B-but
this governing body thing sa-"
"The
International Astronomical Union has no clue what they're talking
about. I hardly call them an authority, when barely 1/5th of their
members actually voted to demote my world," Setsuna waved her
hand abruptly. "Aside from that, any governing body that says a
planet needs a perfect circle orbit obviously doesn't know what its
talking about when we all have elliptical orbits. And any body
that says orbits can't cross when Neptune's orbit also crosses my
planet's...well..."
"Eh...what?"
Usagi blinked. "'Perfect circle'?
'Ellipitc...eclilipl'...eheh..."
"...Never
mind. Just know," Setsuna wiped her hands, "That humanity's
tendency to make organizational systems for things beyond their
comprehension is a faulty gesture at best. Sorry to malign the
species we were reborn as, but...it is true when it comes to any idea
involving abstraction., It leaves out many things which more advanced
civilizations would not. So, Pluto is a planet."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"But..the
IAU is the world's foremost expert on planets and astronomy and
stuff."
"And
their most famous astronomer is a man who named a satellite after his
favorite TV show." Setsuna looked at Usagi, her face giving off
a bored expression. "Usagi, just to help you understand how
humans can be ineffective in organizing things...Convert your
statistics into the Imperial system."
"My
statistics?"
"Height,
mass, things like that." Setsuna nodded. "Try converting
them into pounds, inches and what have you, right now."
"Um...ok..."
Usagi
took a napkin from the center of the table, just as Haruka and
Michiru entered the room. Both had ridiculous grins on their faces as
they sat down at the table, both of them looking at Setsuna.
"Hello,
Setsuna-chan." Haruka helped herself to lemonade. "Congrats
on being declassified into a random object that is possibly now of
the Kuiper system!"
"We
were going to go outside and protest with signs," Michiru spoke
as the two sat down, "but we figured it would be pointless since
the IAU isn't going along with the overwhelming public opinion. But,
how do you feel?"
"Feels
like I just ate a sandwich, actually." Still looking bored,
Setsuna took a sip from her drink. "I'm just showing Usagi-chan
the pointlessness of counting on human statistics in a situation like
this."
"Oh,
how nice." Michiru gave a little chuckle. "Well, obviously
Usagi isn't the only one reacting over the news."
"Oh?"
This got Setsuna's attention. "Who else is reacting?"
"Your
friend, Sailor Charon."
"Charon..."
Usagi
finished listing her statistics at this point, and she scratched her
head before writing down the conversion numbers. Unfortunately, she'd
never been taught the Imperial system, as most people didn't even use
it. So she was making up numbers as she went.
"Thirty
kilos...divided by...um...2..."
"That's
a sailor I didn't think I'd hear from again." Setsuna took a
sip. "Let me guess, she contacted your castle due to your
proximity to both me and the Kuiper system?"
"They,"
Michiru corrected. "We had five soldiers from Kuiper Providence
jamming our communicators, demanding that we cede you to them
immediately. And Charon said she wanted her castle back. Again."
"What
did you tell them?"
"I
told Charon she could move in immediately..."
"Pfft."
Setsuna spat out her lemonade with a giggle. "Haruka!"
"I
told them all to go away." Haruka's grin widened at Setsuna's
reaction. "To stop bothering us, and that Sailor Vulcan needed
to brush her teeth because I could see the plaque on them."
"Was
there a Sedna there too?"
"Yup,
another pretender." Haruka studied her nails. "As if we're
stupid enough to think that there's enough power for a soldier to
represent that satellite. Just because we're on Earth."
"That
makes at least 50 'Sailor Sednas' that I know of."
"I'm
surprised Princess Kuiper hasn't blown up that place to put everyone
out of their misery..."
"Anyways,
the soldiers weren't too happy, but they all got the message."
Michiru took her own napkin and wiped her nose. "Really. the
Kuiper soldiers need to calm down, especially when it comes to humans
classifying them as planets."
"The
Silver Millennium way was much more efficient." Setsuna nodded.
"A world that had its own soldier was a true planet. Much better
than this planet classification nonsense they're trying to put on my
home world with what is a planet."
"Or
a 'dwarf planet'."
"Or
the all-purpose term 'small solar system body'." Haruka took the
lemonade and poured herself a glass. "Say that ten times
fast."
"Um..."
Usagi scratched her head. "I think you multiply this by
107..."
Setsuna
glanced at Usagi's conversion work thus far when she heard the girl's
confused voice. When she saw the numbers, she tried hard not to
laugh.
"B-besides..."
Setsuna was starting to grin. "I'd rather not be around someone
like Sailor Hecate."
"Hecate..."
Michiru paused. "Wasn't she the one that wanted to be a serial
killer when she got older?"
"That
would be the one." The three girls chuckled at the memory. "Its
a good thing she's not here. She'd probably start killing little
babies because they cried."
"Maybe
we could sic her on those astronomers, since they nicknamed her
planet 'Xena'..."
"What
a crappy name..." Haruka rolled her eyes. "The real name,
'2003 UB313 ' isn't much better, but..."
"No,
absolutely not!" Setsuna raised her hand. "I have a much
better idea."
"What?"
"Strap
them down and force them to watch nothing but Xena for a month."
Setsuna was clearly having fun. "And then we sic Hecate
on them. But Marc Brown lives, so we can tie him up and
tickle-torture him."
"Michael
Brown, Setsuna-chan."
"Hey,
that's a good idea!" Michiru giggled. "Teach them to name
planets after trashy television!"
"Astronomers...next
we'll have planet Baywatch-"
"Guys?"
The
three soldiers turned their heads towards Usagi. She was looking at
her napkin, which had a giant tear in them middle. All over it, there
were scribble marks and messy numbers.
"Um..."
Usagi began to sweat. "Thirteen thousand pounds? I weigh
thirteen thousand pounds! And I'm two inches tall!"
"What?"
"...You
don't know how to convert from metric, do you?"
"Waaah..."
Tears started forming in Usagi's eyes. "No fair! This is too
hard."
"You
see?" Setsuna pat Usagi on the back. "Fallible. Too
complicated. They don't even teach conversion anymore because it's
that bad."
"So...then...that
means you're still a planet?"
"Yes,
Usagi." Setsuna smiled. "Maybe not to some people,
but we all know the truth about the solar system here, right?"
"Yeah..."
Usagi sniffed. "I guess we humans are kind of dumb."
"...Basically."
Haruka grinned. "We are."
"And
a good amount of us can't use proper hygiene."
"Neither
can Sailor Vulcan."
"Sailor
who?"
Usagi's
eyes widened at this. Looking from Setsuna, to Michiru, to Haruka and
back again, she saw their grinning faces, obviously keeping something
from her. Had she been paying attention to the conversation, she
wouldn't have missed what was spoken. On the other hand, the three
had spoken of things Usagi would not have understood; it would be
some time before she would even learn of the Kuiper soldiers, Setsuna
knew.
It
was better that way, to simply leave things as they were.
"It's
nothing, Usagi." The sun shone in on the four girls - the moon,
Neptune, Uranus...and Pluto - all of the true solar system. "Nothing
at all."
fin
-----------------------------
Copyright
2006.
The
information regarding the IAU vote being less than 1/5th of the total
conference, and the pieces of the definition stated in Setsuna's
explanation in the beginning is, in fact, accurate. Only 300
astronomers, out of 2,500 attending, actually voted to downgrade
Pluto. As a writer who does not usually take the time to state her
opinions in her fanfiction, let alone use fanfiction to let loose my
opinions on things using these characters, I am nevertheless greatly
displeased with this type of sloppy scientific apathy, and will hence
refuse to acknowledge this 'result' as nothing more than a sham until
a truly proper vote is taken.
Either
way, the debate is not dead unless we let it die. I urge you not to
let this example of scientific incompetence go by the wayside. Say it
out loud in your school, to anyone you know in the the field, that
you refuse to accept this as an example of universal solidarity in
the name of scientific progress and planet classification!
The
Sailor Vulcan, Sailor Charon, and Sailor Hecate characters in this
story are sailors created by me. Though somewhat common, they are the
best representatives of potential 'classical' planet names.
Thanks
to Richforce for pointing out that 'Xena' is a nickname - a slight
oversight on my part.
-J.D.,
nee Cookirini.
