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Review by Loki |
2009-04-08
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I thought this an interesting story, thus far you've set, dare I say, the stage rather well with the descriptions of the various characters and created mood and atmosphere.
I liked the humor and the dialogue was good.
Grammar pointers:
You tend to over use some words: 'bit' is littered through both chapters, try if you can to cut that down as it tends to jar and interrupt the flow of the story. you have a few repeat words and tag and the punctuation multiples, though fortunately not too many, these are nonetheless incorrect and a single exclamation mark or question mark carries the impact and good use of language will tighten and as well as being good grammar, strengthens your writing.
Careful of redundancies, the Show not Telling with expressions like: reaching out a hand, as this is extraneous padding in a mundane action, instead of saying 'she reached up a hand to brush away her bangs, say instead, 'she brushed the bangs from her eyes,' this does not detract from the reader's ability to visualize for themselves obvious situations, that otherwise clog up and bog down a good fiction. Careful of tense, you switch between present and third, the story is predominantly third, so you may need to bgo back and tweak. A couple of typos, but on grammar and style, that was it...
In all, the feeling of the story is good, the characters convincing, the emotional undercurrents good and your world building is also good. With a little work, tightening up, and exploring different word usage, (try and find other forms of acknowledgement other than the 'nod' like 'raising a hand, or a grin, smirk,tilt of the head or other gesture.
I think your humor is a winner and the story is well poised and so I wish you well.
A resource you might find helpful:
http://www.users.qwest.net/~yarnspnr/writing/adverbs/adverbs.htm
I really enjoyed your story, lots of color and good humor.
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