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Review by Loki |
2007-09-13
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What an exciting story concept, I have noticed as I read your older stories to this one, a steady improvement in your style and you have lots of talent and potential
Firstly, the only things I would work on are the little redundancies, try to show not tell too much, little things, but these are important for a writer to know. try and avoid using 'bit' too much and contractions like X alright X should always be two words, but aside from the odd typo and punctuation, X ?! X pairings of punctuation might seem to add to a desired affect, but words are far more effective and are grammatically correct, again these are little things but easy to attend to pointers.
Highlights:
This is the best part. I thought the plot sheer brilliance, the idea of a Alice in Wondrland type plot is brilliant and enchanting. An original idea, not sure, but for me I love it. The battel between the Ace Youma and Sailor Moon was clever and Venus's reaction well told.
I loved the theme and the suspense with Serena's unusual behavior, the themes you chose for this were suited to the girls and your descriptions are really good. the descriptions of clothing and footwear, try and not use 'covered' its a little awkward, but aside from that the parts I loved were the description of the cookies given to Lita, the book for Ami and Mina's thoughts and dash down the street upon getting the message from Rei.
Your visuals are superb, color and depth, dialogue good.
You have a flare for a good sense of humor to weave into the text and I really thought those parts were fun and balanced the chapter really well. An all-round good chapter. If you would like any help with anything with future work, please look me up. Great job and I really enjoyed it a lot!
L.
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Author's response:
Oh my gosh!!! So much yay for you! I love the fact that you reviewed me and reviewed me so honestly! I've been waiting for opinions on this for a while now and I'm so glad that the one I finally get is really useful. I'm working on Chapter 2 now so when I get that posted you will have to let me know what you think.
Thanks so much for the review. ^.^
≈Shel≈
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