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Review by ruminant |
2007-06-07
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I think you have an interesting idea here. If the girls were split up for 3 years and then had to come back together to fight a new enemy, what would happen?
There are some grammar issues in your story. There is a thread in the Board here under The Writer's Block that has Beta Readers in it. Beta Readers are great for catching mistakes.
Also, Rei says the girls, "left without even saying good bye to one another" and then she says, "she wouldn't even talk to any of us after the day we told her we were leaving". She is contradicting herself there.
I can't see Serena yelling at Darien like that. Even when he broke up with her in R she didn't do that.
I think that the drama of the girls having to get back together is plenty. Serena's family dying in a car accident distracts from the real story, in my opinion. Maybe you could write a separate story about that.
Here's some questions I'm asking after reading this:
Who is the new enemy? Where did they come from? What are they after?
How do the scouts know that they showed up in Tokyo?
Did Serena contact the other girls when she discovered a new enemy?
Where are Luna and Artemis?
If Darien went to study in America, how is he in Tokyo with Andrew?
Were the girls planning on staying away forever? What about Crystal Tokyo?
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I hope this is helpful. I always want people who review my stories to make suggestions.
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