The Genesis of an Obligatory Psychotic Jackass by Kihin Ranno

On the morning of October 4, 2003, Logan Echolls was dreaming.

Like most of his dreams, it centered on Lilly. She had a habit of absorbing all of his time in the day and continuing to haunt him at night. And even then, when he'd finally realized the relationship had come to an end, there she was in his dream. He'd been expecting it of course. He still loved her. After all, who didn't?

Lilly was running just like in every other dream. He sometimes got the feeling that her appearance in his dreams was an inconvenience to her, and she was always trying to escape them, to jump into someone else's head and see what would happen there. But he'd always run after her, fingers reaching out to grab her, but holding only air and the tips of her long, dirty blonde hair. And she was always laughing, sometimes with him and sometimes at him. That night, the sound of her voice degraded him, but it drove him wild. Even when he knew he should stop, he kept going because he couldn't help himself.

"Logan..." she called, spinning around and dancing just out of his reach like the nymph and the hunter in that Greek myth. At least he didn’t think there was any danger in Lilly turning into a tree. She'd probably turn into a bird and fly away from him, leaving him lost and alone on the ground.

She looked up at him through dark lashes, gathering up her skirts to free her bare feet, but showing more leg than her mother would have deemed appropriate. It was hardly new and very much appreciated. She grinned wickedly, pulling him forward with the corners of her mouth. "Don't you want me?"

She said it so simply, as if she'd asked him if he liked her dress or if he wanted a soda and he couldn't help but laugh. It was amused and a little sad, indeed wanting her more than the power to breathe. He was madly in love with her in spite of everything and in spite of her. Just like always. "That is the general idea of these chasing dreams, Lil," he said, dropping his head a bit as he spoke.

She wrinkled her nose in disgust, scoffing. "I told you I hate that nickname. I'm not a God damn Rugrat, Log." Lilly blinked, instantly coy again, and said, "And what makes you think you're chasing me?"

Logan shrugged in a way that could only be characteristic of the Echolls family. "I don't know, you're running. I'm running after you. Seems to be the general definition. I could double check with Daniel Webster--"

"God, Logan, I didn't need a monologue," Lilly said, rolling her wide eyes and stopping long enough to ensure that her disgust with him registered before moving away from him again. "News flash, Logan. You're not chasing me. You only wish you were chasing me."

Logan swallowed but held his devilish grin on his face. "Oh, I'm not, am I?"

"Nope," she chirped, smiling. "You're not important enough."

Now Logan's face fell. He wanted to grab her pale white shoulders, hold on so tight that his fingers left wine dark bruises. He wanted to shake her, cry on her, kiss her, feel her one more time before he woke up and remembered that it was really over. "I'm not important enough... I'm your… your fucking boyfriend, I--"

"Not anymore," she reminded him, her voice like a song.

Logan's heart twisted with her words. He knew that he had a better chance of hurting her if he kept his voice light, but his tone couldn’t help but be bogged down by his sense of loss. "Fine, I'm not important enough. Who is then? The marine you blew in the bathroom during shore leave? He important enough?"

Lilly pursed her lips. "Ooh. Ouch, Logan. Ouch." Then she laughed again, mocking the fact that he thought he could hurt her. He should have known better. She was untouchable in that way.

He looked down as the sound continued, feeling like he was shrinking. She made him feel so small, and she was one of the few people that he wanted to think he was important. He always tried so hard to be larger than life, but he always failed. He wasn't enough for her. One man would never be enough for her.

"I'm running away, Logan," she said, holding out her arms and spinning around. "But not from you."

Logan stepped forward, his voice painfully hopeful. "Do I make you want to stay?"

She kept spinning, white skirts made up of tattered fabric flying around her like clouds and razorblades. "You make it hurt less."

He supposed he should have been grateful for that much.

She looked back at him, petulant and patronizing. She stopped her swirling dance, pouting a bit. "What's the matter, babe? Still want me that badly?"

"You know I do," Logan said, intending to be venomous, and failing.

Lilly's eyes softened. "And you always will, won't you?"

Logan didn't answer. He didn't have to.

Just then, Lilly took a look around her at the field she was in. She looked up at Logan, irritated, though not in a malicious way. Her sober moment had vanished like a stain of breath on a mirror and was replaced by her usual entitled flippancy. "Tulips? You dream about me frolicking in a field of tulips?"

Logan looked around, realizing that they were in fact in a field of tulips. He wasn't sure why they were in tulips either. She was right. It was ridiculous. "What would you prefer? Lillies?"

Lilly snorted. "God, no. I mean honestly. Morbid much?"

"What then?" Logan asked, on the edge of exasperation, but trying to please her. Always, always trying to please her.

She closed her eyes and held her hands up to the sky. A look passed over her face that was something like complete ecstasy. It was a euphoria Logan didn't think anyone could achieve in real life. And in that moment, Lilly was more than living. She was like some goddess, and when she spoke, it was at once a whisper and a shout, echoing across the meadow and in his mind for beyond eternity.

"Wildflowers!"

-----


"Logan? Logan, sweetie, wake up."

His mother was being much louder than she normally was when she woke him up. Then again, he really didn't have anything to compare that to. When he did have to be up, they generally sent someone else to do it.

"Logan, you need to get up."

And father too. This was a surprise.

Logan groaned, turning away from where he thought they were and pulling the covers over his head. "What's the matter? Did Oprah tell you that you need to start spending quality time with your son? Little late for that, guys. Nice try. Only, you know, not."

He felt his mother's hands on his shoulders, her perfectly manicured nails grazing a portion of his arm that wasn't covered by his blanket. He shifted so it would.

His father sighed. "Logan, get up."

"Later," Logan snapped. "I have a hangover the size of... something really massive. Dad's ego, Trina's... ego. Something. I don't know. Go away. Now."

"Honey, it's about Lilly."

Had Logan not been awoken from a dream about Lilly, perhaps he would have been more interested or worried about why his parents were waking him up to tell him something about his girlfriend. No, his ex. His ex girlfriend. "What? Is she pregnant or stoned or running around the house naked or something? Because only the third thing is going to get me to wake up."

"Logan, she's dead."

The voice of his father hit him so hard that Logan actually felt physical pain. He didn't know why, but the finality and coldness of his father's tone was enough to make him wake up. He sat up, felt his blood drain away from him. He stared at them both, silently begging them to be just another dream.

He looked at his mother and saw the look of dull vacant pain. She'd taken pills. She never took pills this early. And his father looked haggard and tired, unkempt. He was never unkempt, constantly ready for the paparazzi. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

"What?"

It was all he could say. It was all anyone could expect him to say.

His mother looked at him, her eyes wide with sympathy. She reached out and touched his face in an effort to console him. It felt like leather against his cheek. "Logan, I'm sorry. Keith Mars just called to let us know."

"To let you know what?" Logan asked, horrified that they were saying this to him. "Lilly... Lilly's not dead. Lilly can't die. She--"

His father interrupted him. "Logan, I'm sorry, but--"

"No!" Logan shouted, standing up, shaking his mother off him. He advanced on his father, balking at the odd chill in the room. It stung like icicles being jammed into his skin. "You're lying! Better yet, she's lying. This... This is just like when she was thirteen--"

Aaron recognized exactly where this was going. He sighed, holding out his hands as if preparing to lay them on his son's shoulders. "Logan--"

"--and she hid in the tree and acted like she'd been kidnapped. She left the ransom note and everything."

"This isn't like--"

Logan started to walk past them, out of his bedroom. "Just wait. I'll go to the Kane place, and we'll find her up in that Goddamn tree, laughing at us all for falling for it again. She loves pulling this shit; she--"

"Logan!" his father shouted, finally grabbing him by the arms. He held on tight enough to make Logan wince, shaking him roughly. "Lilly's dead, Logan! She's dead!"

As always, Aaron's intensity was enough to make Logan freeze. His adrenaline started pumping, and he got ready to run or to brace himself or maybe fight back even though he never did. After a moment, Aaron took a deep breath and said, "Jake found her body yesterday. She... She was murdered."

And in that moment, everything came crashing down. He felt his knees buckle beneath him. It was the only sensation he had. He just felt like he was falling, plummeting off into space. Gravity was sucking him down even though there was no gravity. He kept waiting to crash into Earth, waiting for it to stop so he could shatter and break apart like everything else had.

He just wanted to break. All he wanted to do was break.


-----


Logan hated tuxedos. He didn't hate them because they were uncomfortable or itchy or all the normal reasons most men hated tuxedos. He hated them because they made him feel old and that made him think about how soon his and everyone else's life would end. It was a reminder of how fleeting life was and how absolute death was, and it was an uncomfortable and itchy one at that.

He was looking down into her coffin, looking at the dress Celeste had made her wear. It was black. Tasteful. And it wasn't Lilly. It most definitely was not Lilly.

"Even from beyond the grave, Celeste tries to make me a prude. Shoot me in the face."

Logan turned to her, his mouth going dry. It was Lilly again, standing next to him in the same white dress she'd been wearing before. As before, there was plenty of cleavage, but for once, that wasn't what he was concerned with. But he couldn’t help but be a little relieved to see her as he remembered her, not the lie they tried to pass off as Lilly Kane.

Lilly paused, pondering her words. "Well, don't really because that would be overkill."

"Aren't you punny?" Logan drawled, his tone slightly monotonous.

Lilly didn't even smile. "I can't believe you stooped that low. That was shameful, Logan Echolls. Absolutely shameful."

"Put me in the stockade and have the peasants laugh at me," Logan said. "I'm sure I haven't learned my lesson."

Lilly looked at him levelly. "You know, you used to be funny."

"Yeah, well you used to be alive," Logan mumbled, turning back to the coffin. He looked down at her body, cold and lifeless. So different from the girl standing next to him, who was still crackling with heat and life and energy. She sparkled like living glitter. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her, to suck some of that light into him. Anything to make it stop hurting so much.

"So, what? I die and your world ceases to have meaning?" Lilly asked. "Wow. I didn't know you were that hung up."

Logan ground his teeth together, grabbing on to the edge of her casket. "Well, maybe if you'd get out of my fucking head--"

"Hey, sweetie, you're the one who wants to see me," Lilly told him. "You're just like Donut and Veronica. All three of you want me so much." She paused, cocking her head to the side. "Makes me wonder why we didn't all get it on while I was still alive."

Logan shut his eyes. "Thank you, Lilly. Thank you for that wonderful image to haunt me for the rest of my life."

"Any time," Lilly said, leaning in to take a closer look at her corpse. "I should have aspired to be a mortician. I could have done make-up for dead people. I'd certainly do a better job than the bitch who did this."

"I thought you wanted to be a fashion designer," Logan reminisced, remembering Lilly's schoolbooks filled with dresses that would have looked great with her curves. It was the only thing he could remember Lilly having a real passion for, slight and fleeting as it had been. Veronica had joked that Lilly realized that sewing went along with everything else, and that had put a damper on the desire. Logan had always wondered exactly how true that story had been.

Lilly shook her head. "Please. Nicky's already doing that." Lilly sighed, leaning against the coffin and looking at Logan out of the corner of her eye. "Let's face it. We all know that I would have wound up stripping in some seedy bar just to piss Celeste off and to make you mad with jealousy."

"We wouldn't have been dating," Logan observed sadly.

"Yeah, 'cause that's ever made a difference," Lilly said, flipping her hair. "Even when we were off-again, if you caught some guy's hand on my ass, you would just flip out like--"

Logan sighed roughly, pushing himself off the casket. It was bad enough he'd never be able to touch her again, but did he have to have this ghost to remind him? "What do you want, Lilly? Why are you still here? What do you want, an apology? Am I supposed to apologize for something? Or are you just torturing me to get your jollies in the afterlife?"

Lilly, as always, was not at all phased by his outburst. "You brought me here, Logan. If anyone is getting his rocks off by having me in his dreams, it's you."

"Do I look like I'm enjoying myself?" he asked loudly, gesturing towards his tortured expression.

She shrugged, holding on to the edge of the casket with the tips of her fingers. She leaned back, looking up at him with a softer expression, but her lips still teased him. "You're the one who’s got us dressed for a wedding at a funeral."

Logan paused, glancing at her and then back down at himself. He should have realized his mistake. He had never worn a tuxedo to a funeral. Tuxedos were for weddings. He swallowed, suddenly feeling even more uncomfortable than before and very, very foolish.

She raised an eyebrow, something she'd never been able to do while she was alive. But Lilly had always thought that dying was about getting everything she had ever wanted. She was probably married to River Phoenix and cheating on him with Colin Farrell in her flashy, fast-paced heaven. "Did you want to marry me?"

The question was painful, and he didn’t particularly want to answer. He turned his head away, showing her his profile. "It doesn't matter what I wanted."

"No, tell me," she pressed, genuinely interested.

Logan glanced at her, tempted to say something, but he decided against it when he saw that she had that look in her eyes. The look like she was laughing without making a sound, trying to seem pleasant while mocking someone inside her head. She’d probably say, “Oh, isn’t that adorable?” and laugh, never realizing how much the sound could hurt him sometimes. How much it would never hurt him again.

He looked away again and didn't respond.

A long moment passed between them before Lilly spoke again. "I did actually come here for something," she admitted.

That interested him, so he turned to face her again. He couldn’t help but feel a bit smug at her words, and she soured when she saw the expression form on his face.

"Not like you predicted the end of the world, Logan," Lilly joked, still dancing the line between harmless teasing and sharp criticism. She pulled herself upright, closing her eyes a few seconds too long to be a blink.

“What’s wrong?” Logan asked, recognizing the gesture. He almost touched her, but he was afraid.

She didn’t pause. "They're going to think you did it," Lilly told him plainly.

Logan blinked and felt a stone fist close around his chest. He wasn't sure if that was because he was taken aback by the thought or if it was because he'd thought of that already, but he hadn't decided what he should do. He swallowed and felt the fear begin to build. "How do I stop it?"

Lilly smirked a bit, though not pleasantly. "Dick and Beav," Lilly said, her tone illustrating just how highly she thought of the Brothers Casablancas. "Dick's a moron, and he'll do anything you tell him to. Beaver might be tricky. I've always thought there was something off about that kid. But I think he'll keep his mouth shut. He might be weird, but he knows you wouldn't kill me."

Logan's eyes widened, and in a moment of courage, he reached out, grabbing her hand. It was cold, but solid. He didn’t want to let go even as it started to hurt. After all, it might have been the last time. "You know I'd never... I never would have hurt you, Lilly."

She smiled, really smiled at him for the first time in what felt like all his life. "I know." She sighed with the slightest bit of exasperation and said, "You throw things, you yell, and you turn colors, but you never would have laid a hand on me."

It was then that she released his hand, almost giving it back to him and laying it against his chest. Perhaps it was to warm it up. It was almost a tender gesture, and it was as gentle as he’d ever seen her.

As soon as he noticed this, she paused, a smirk spreading over her painted lips. She looked up into his eyes, her eyes sparkling with wicked secrets. "I know who did it you know."

Logan felt his breath hitch. He didn't know why that surprised him, but when he'd heard that some... someone had cracked her skull open, he had assumed (maybe hoped) that her back had been turned. It seemed now that that was not the case. "You do?" His voice was so quiet he was surprised that she heard him.

"Yeah," she said, nodding just like she had when she'd told them all about the time she'd walked in on her parents. "And boy, people are going to shit a brick when they find out who it is."

"Who is it?" he asked earnestly.

Lilly smiled coyly, leaning forward. "You really want to know?"

"Yes!" Logan half whispered, half shouted, amazed that she even thought for a second that he wouldn't want to know, wouldn't want to find the son of a bitch, wouldn't want to do to him what he'd done to Lilly.

She leaned farther in and whispered, "I'll tell you..."

Logan's heart stopped.

"When you learn to listen to what I tell you," she laughed, reached around and whacking him on the head. She gestured out to the field around them. He couldn't see the grass, just a sea of white lilies. The death flower.

"Wildflowers, Logan,” she repeated slowly, smiling at him. “Give me wildflowers."

She flounced away then, leaving him staring after her, fists clenched, firmly planted, and longing to be as free as she was.


-----


The funeral was terrible, but at least he wasn't wearing a tuxedo.

They were all at the cemetery, milling around after her body had been lowered into the ground. They seemed lost now, unsure of what to do. There was no gathering at the Kane estate or anywhere else. Much as the 09ers loved to throw a party, the Kanes could not host any kind of event. It was still too painful, and Logan wondered if it was ever going to stop.

He had seen his mother go to his father, hanging on his arm and whispering eagerly in his ear. Logan was willing to bet that she was trying to convince him to invite people back to the house. His father seemed less open to the idea than Logan would have thought, but he hoped the old man didn't cave to his wife's demands. Logan planned on getting drunk that night, and he planned on doing it alone.

He looked around, watching everyone wearing different shades of black and mourning. Logan stood at her grave, staring at her headstone, keeping his head down. He was trying to be inconspicuous, something no Echolls was especially good at. Try as he
might, he could not avoid the classmates who barely knew him and who had never known
Lilly. But they still came in droves and tried to console him as if they had any
right. They didn't have any business grieving. They didn't know what they'd lost.

He told another Junior to fuck off and kept right on staring at the headstone.

LILLY KANE
1987-2003
BELOVED DAUGHTER
CHERISHED SISTER
TREASURED FRIEND
THE MOST PRECIOUS FLOWER IN THE FIELD

"So fucking cliché," Logan whispered, but he wasn't sure if it was about the headstone or himself.

"She would have hated it," a small voice said from beside him.

Logan looked up, blinking rapidly. His gaze fell on the tiny blonde beside him, her arms hugging her chest. She was wearing her father's sport coat, and she looked like she was drowning in it. Her long hair was done up in a French braid. She had been wearing make-up earlier, in the Church, but then she'd started crying. Before she became hysterical, her father had led her out, sweeping his coat over her shaking shoulders and almost carrying her out.

"Veronica," he said softly by way of greeting. She was someone he could talk to. She was allowed to grieve. She had been Lilly's best friend. "Are you--"

"No," she interrupted, sniffling a bit. She took a shaking breath, her eyes falling shut. "No, I'm not."

Logan pulled his right hand out of his pocket and rested it on her shoulder with ease. They had never been the closest in their foursome, but she'd still been his friend. Even if Duncan was no longer with her, and even though Logan had avoided her because of that, he owed her some more consideration now. Veronica was not made of steel. She needed all the support she could get.

"I'm not either," Logan muttered, turning back to Lilly's grave. People had piled white lilies on top of her casket in memoriam. Logan had slipped a bottle of champagne in her casket when no one was looking. Lilly had lived life like it was a party; she might as well kick it up in the afterlife. Though she was probably annoyed with him for not giving her something stronger.

He had been careful not to look at the body. He knew that her coffin had been closed for a reason.

Veronica sniffled some more, standing a little straighter with Logan's hand on her back. "How's Duncan?"

Logan frowned, glancing over at the Kane family. They were walking back to their limousine. Jake was sobbing quietly, hunching his back and occasionally stopping to look back, registering the image of his dead daughter in his mind. Celeste had her arms around Duncan, leading him along like a blind man or a stupid child. Duncan was just walking. He had sat in a daze through his sister's funeral, and Celeste had shooed him along when Logan had tried to talk to him, explaining that he was sedated. Logan didn't see why that meant he couldn't talk to his best friend.

"I don't know," Logan said honestly. "Celeste wouldn't let me get near him."

"Oh," Veronica whispered, swallowing. "I thought I was the only one who..." Veronica stopped, shaking her head. "Never mind. I shouldn't--"

"Go ahead and bitch about her if you want," Logan offered. "It's true. Besides, Lilly would appreciate someone bad-mouthing her mother as a form of eulogy."

Veronica laughed a little. Logan thought it sounded desperate and lost, so he squeezed her arm gently. It was then that he noticed she was holding something in her hands. A gorgeous flower, all orange and red and gold. It was a burst of color on an otherwise bleak day.

"What is that?" he asked, narrowing his eyes to inspect it. "Is that a--"

"Tiger Lily," Veronica nodded, dabbing at her eyes with her fingers. The dusty pink nail polish was chipped. "I knew everyone was going to be bringing lilies, and I... I just thought that..." She seemed embarrassed all of a sudden, her gaze dropping to the ground. She began to pull away from him.

"I like it," Logan assured her. "She would have too."

Veronica looked at her single flower clutched between her fingers. "I... I guess she would have." She started to walk forward, to the casket that was still suspended above the ground. It was covered in white lilies.

A few steps away from her coffin, Veronica looked up. She stopped short. A moment later, her shoulders were shaking harder than Logan thought possible. He heard her start to sob and he strode forward, arriving just in time for Veronica to sink to the ground. He didn't stop to think, merely wrapped his arms around her and let her weep into his chest.

"I can't," Veronica wailed loudly. "I can’t, I can't, I can't... If-- If I do it, then... Then it's..." Veronica trailed off into a flurry of tears, clutching at his shirt, soaking it with salt water.

Logan knew exactly what she meant. He shut his eyes, willing himself not to let Veronica's hysteria seep into him. He put a hand on the back of her head, stroking her hair. It was the same length as Lilly's and everyone knew why.

"You don't have to," Logan said softly. "I'll do it if you want. You don't have to."

"But I should!" Veronica gasped. "She was my best friend. I should... Logan, she was my best friend!"

Logan held her tighter and wondered how many times a person's heart could break.

"Veronica!" someone shouted from the distance. Logan looked up and saw Veronica's father sprinting from across the street where Celeste Kane was standing, glaring at the sheriff's back. Keith made it to Veronica's side in record time, slowly replacing Logan as the primary comforter. Logan was glad of it and saddened at the same time.

"Honey, I'm so sorry," Keith said as he began to disentangle a fully hysterical Veronica. "I'm so, so sorry. I shouldn't have left you alone. Where is your moth--" he cut himself off, darkening as if he knew the answer. He breathed for a moment, and then seemed to forget about, refocusing on his daughter. "Let's get you home, okay?"

"But--" Veronica gasped. "Lilly. I--"

"I told you, I'll do it," Logan said, winding his fingers around the stem of the flower. "It's okay."

Keith looked up at Logan ardently as if just noticing his presence. He nodded, briefly laying on hand on the younger boy’s elbow. "Thank you," he intoned with utter sincerity. "Thank you for being here for her."

Logan just nodded, uncertain as to how to respond.

Then Keith practically picked his daughter up and led her away. She was leaning on him heavily, sobbing loudly and attracting the attentions of several onlookers. Logan watched them go, holding the bright flower in his hands.

He stared at it for what felt like forever, watching as a single tear fell on the orange petals.


-----


"Dude, what are you doing in here? All the good hooch is at the party."

Logan looked up from his bottle of vodka. He had never had much of a taste for the stuff, but Lilly had always loved it. And besides, it was alcohol. That was the extent of his standards.

"Dick," Logan greeted indifferently. "Beaver."

"Hey, Logan," Beaver stuttered softly. He rubbed the back of his neck, wetting his lips and shifting uncomfortably. "How... How are you doing?"

Logan raised both of his eyebrows, leaning back in his chair. "Well, Beaver, I'm sitting alone in the pool house drinking enough to make my liver petition to be relocated to Charlie Sheen's body. How do you think I'm doing?"

Beaver nodded and swallowed. He looked down for a minute, but then looked up again, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Sorry, Logan."

"Who gives a shit?" Logan muttered, speaking more to himself than to Beaver, taking another swig of vodka.

Beaver swallowed, looking up but not making eye contact. "I meant about Lilly. I'm sorry about... about Lilly. I'm sorry."

"Way to articulate, Beavo," Dick said, smacking him on the back of the head. Then he turned back to Logan and said. "Yeah, man. Sorry about all this. It must suck beyond the normal realms of suckage."

"Why, Dick, that's positively insightful," Logan mock complimented, toasting him with a flourish. "I'm sure your mother would be proud."

Dick strode forward, sitting down beside Logan and helping himself to unopened bottle of Jack Daniels®. Beaver remained standing in the doorway, as if this was some sort of statement. "So... What did you bring us down here for, Echolls? Your maid interrupted what could have been an awesome, dirty time with Madison."

"God, Dick! You're such a pig!" Beaver half-shouted in something that would have been disbelief if he hadn't already known it. As it was, he just sounded exasperated and uncomfortable.

Dick opened his mouth, probably to mock him in a girlish tone of voice, when Logan spoke up. "I need you guys to do something for me.'

Dick looked over at him, oddly serious as he clapped a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Sure, man. Anything."

"Whatever you want, Logan," Beaver echoed, overcompensating.

"Dude, don't be queer," Dick hissed, as if this was a genuine worry in the Casablancas household.

"Shut up, Dick," Logan instructed, knowing that in any other situation, this intoxicated, he would have probably punched Dick long ago. But he had a heightened tolerance for Dick's personality, and he needed them to do him this favor. "You guys know how I left TJ early the day... the day Lilly died?"

"You left early?" Dick asked, his face looking even more perplexed than it normally did.

"Yeah," Beaver supplied. Logan was pretty sure that Beaver was wondering why he had been dealt the cosmic injustice of being related to Dick. Logan couldn't say that he blamed him.

"Have you told anyone?" Logan asked Beaver, his voice grave.

Beaver thought about it for a minute and then shook his head. "No. Haven't seen any reason to."

"Yeah, well, don't find a reason," Logan said darkly. "Sheriff Mars is going to come around at some point and ask me where I was that day. And I'm going to say I was in TJ with you, and that I drove back after... after it happened. And when he comes to you guys to verify that, you're going to say that I was there."

Beaver narrowed his eyes a little, and if Logan weren't a little drunk, he would have thought that it wasn't so much out of confusion as it was committing this moment to memory. In case it came in handy later. "Logan, why--"

"Because they'll think I did it," Logan snapped, his face darkening violently. "Because everyone knows that we had a..." He searched for the right words, and finding none, he had to select a cliché. He felt like a traitor. "A rocky relationship. And everyone knows how angry I get... used to get with her. I'm a natural suspect. And I didn't do it, and I don't want anyone, least of all Keith Mars, to think that it was me for even a second. I would never hurt her, and that's something I don't want questioned."

There was silence for a moment as the pair took in Logan's sincerity. It was broken by Dick. "All right, man. The Beav and I will say you were with us. We'll take this to the grave."

"Yeah," Beaver agreed softly, distantly. "To the grave."

"May it be sooner than we expect," Logan muttered too quietly for the other two to hear, clinking his vodka to Dick's whiskey and preparing to take a good, long swig of it.

"But you shouldn't be worried, dude," Dick assured him. "Sheriff's not going to be coming after you for awhile."

Logan looked up, a little surprised by this. "Why not?"

"'Cause, dude," Dick said as if this held the key to understanding the universe. "He's totally convinced that Jake offed her."

Logan felt his like something heavy was sitting on his chest, slowly suffocating him. No, that couldn't be right. Keith knew Jake. They'd always gotten along well. They were as friendly as any parent whose children were dating. There was no reason for the Sheriff to go after Jake Kane. There was reason for him to think it was Logan. He had never really liked Logan, but he treated him cordially, for Veronica and Duncan's sake. And for Lilly's too. Because he liked Lilly. Because people found it very hard to do anything but love her.

"He thinks Mr. Kane did it?" Logan echoed, his voice quiet.

"Yeah," Dick confirmed, burping a little. "I thought you knew, man."

"No," Logan said unnecessarily. "I didn't know."

Logan brought the bottle of vodka to his lips and began to drink it. He was actually chugging it, ignoring when even Dick told him he should take it easy. He finished it quickly, but found it wasn't enough to forget that day, that horrible day when he'd walked away from Lilly's casket, a sea of white with one shock of orange.


-----


"Did your father kill you?" Logan asked, already knowing that Lilly was there. He was beginning to think she was always going to be there. It wasn't really fitting to call her a shadow, but some patch of light was going to be dogging his footsteps until Logan was crushed under Life's Wheel. Or until he threw himself under it. Whichever.

She twirled into view, looking out at their surroundings. It was Tiger Lilies this time. She seemed vaguely amused, but not wholly satisfied. He had a feeling that she knew that this wasn't his idea.

"Do you really have to ask me that?" she asked incredulously.

Logan breathed a little sigh of relief, rubbing his palm over his hair. "Sheriff Mars thinks he did it."

Lilly shook her head in disgust. "Why do they always rush to blame the father? Everyone knows that Celeste was a stone-cold bitch. She was probably smiling a little at the funeral, wasn't she?"

"Not that I noticed," Logan mumbled, running a hand down his face.

"Bet she was," Lilly muttered childishly, folding her arms across her chest. She looked up at Logan through her dark lashes and said, "How was Duncan?"

Logan shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets. "Don't know. Your parents wouldn't let me near him."

Lilly frowned, her teeth biting into her red, glossy lips. "How did he seem then?"

Logan narrowed his eyes a bit, thinking back. "Really out of it. Like he hadn't blinked in awhile."

This description seemed to be enough for Lilly. She sighed, nodding, her shoulders sagging a bit. Then she straightened and said, "And Veronica?"

"She brought you a Tiger Lily and had a nervous breakdown," Logan mumbled. "It was all very cinematic. You would have loved it."

Lilly looked up at Logan, her eyes flashing with anger and widening with hurt. Lilly could take the teasing like the rest of them, but she'd always been oddly protective of Veronica. Like she was too fragile, too sweet to be in the world on her own. She had to be shielded, and Lilly was the only one who could do that. After all, she'd always acted like she knew everything. "Screw you, Logan."

"Am I wrong?" Logan asked. "You mean, you wouldn't have loved an entire town grieving? You wouldn't have enjoyed seeing the people you loved wandering around like ghosts without you even though you're the one that's haunting us? You wouldn't have loved to see Duncan half-dead, Veronica in hysterics, or me..." He trailed off, unsure of just how he felt. Angry? Betrayed? Terrified? Starving?"

"Fucked up beyond all reason?" Lilly finished crudely if not aptly.

"Yes!" Logan exalted tiredly, waving his hand.

Lilly stared at him evenly. Then she shook her head and said, "No."

Logan thought that maybe he'd believe her one of these days.


-----


Logan spent the next six weeks trying very hard not to think or dream about Lilly. The one right after the funeral had been enough to make him swear off sleeping for several days until his mother slipped a valium into his drink at dinner. It had made him sleep dreamlessly, but he knew better than to start taking them voluntarily.

Besides, except for that time right after the funeral when he'd wanted to see her, alcohol worked well enough.

He and Duncan didn't talk about it. And since Logan was always with Duncan, he didn't spend any time with Veronica. A part of him thought he should be since Veronica wasn't looking all that stable. He'd seen her crying in front of her locker more than once, but he always kept on walking. Duncan needed him more. That's what he told himself every time he saw Veronica looking at him. Duncan needed him more.

Besides, Logan was beginning to see more and more that Jake Kane was still the prime suspect in Lilly's murder. He couldn't understand how Sheriff Mars could continue to believe that, but he kept his mouth shut and didn't say anything to Veronica. He heard some of the other 09ers confront her with the issue, but she had been his friend. He felt he owed her some loyalty, even if it didn't do much to help her. Still, his and Duncan’s silence on the subject seemed to be enough to lessen the social assault.

Then Logan saw the video.

Logan would never know who leaked the crime scene video of Lilly's murder to the internet, and he never would have cared to know. But when he walked through the library and saw two freshmen pointing at the screen in a mixture of horror and amusement, Logan thought that maybe a light wasn't haunting him. Maybe it really was a shadow.

He saw Lilly's body lying on the tile by the pool. She was in that pep squad uniform she'd always hated. Her feet were bare, her arms and legs akimbo, her head turned away from the camera. But all he would ever remember was the blood. Her once blonde hair was stained red, matted and sticky. He could see where the ashtray had hit her. He could see the depression in the skull, the crack, the bone, and more than that. He saw her life bled out on to the pavement for the whole world to see and feel nothing but apathy.

And he saw her eyes as he had never seen them before. Cold. Empty. Lifeless. He was certain that he was going to throw up.

Logan's body convulsed when he heard a quiet whimper of horror from a few feet away. He caught sight of Veronica, face ashen and eyes filling with tears. Apparently some other Freshman had logged on to see it as well, and she was quickly fleeing the scene.

Logan moved forward, wanting to grab her and rip her in two all of a sudden. In an instant, he had erased any fond memories he had of her. All he could see now was his dead girlfriend, her brain and bone and blood spilled on to the Kane Estate. The corpse of Lilly Kane seemed to possess him as he blocked her path.

He opened his mouth, presumably to yell. His fingers twitched, longing to hit her. He wanted to rend her limb from limb, shake her, destroy her just like Lilly had been destroyed.

But he couldn't. He was too broken now.

But he still kept his hands trapped beneath his armpits to be sure.

"So, uh..." It began so casually. He knew it wouldn't end that way. "Does your dad still think that Lilly's father did this?" Logan asked quietly. His eyes were burning and his throat closing up. "That's my girlfriend. Your friend. Duncan's sister." He swallowed, looking away from her with every other word because looking at her was painful. So painful he thought he must be bleeding.

But only Lilly was bleeding. And she was never going to stop.

"Your dad is destroying the Kane family," Logan said, telling her what he'd been observing for the past month. Celeste was even colder than before. Jake was silent and somber, staring out at that spot on the pool. He had a maid scrub it every single day even though the stain had long since come up. And Duncan had his damned silences that Logan had to fill with dirty jokes and witty turn of phrases when all he really wanted to do was mourn.

Veronica stared at him, unsure of how to respond. It was the first time they’d spoken since the funeral after all. Her lips started to move, perhaps to try and force something out, but Logan didn't notice. All he noticed was the look in her eyes. He saw the same sort of loyalty that Logan felt for Duncan. But Veronica's loyalty wasn't to Lilly or to Duncan or to Logan or to anyone else who really cared about the Kanes. It was all for her father.

"What's the matter with you people, huh?" Logan asked, several hot tears slipping down his cheeks. "What's the matter with you?"

She seemed hurt now. Perhaps she'd seen him as the last person who could prevent the entire school from hating her. But now he was just like the others. And he would hate her far more for what she'd done. They both knew it.

"Logan, please--"

"Didn't you see it?" he asked, his voice breaking. "Didn't you see how... How horrible it was?"

Veronica swallowed, her gaze dropping. "Logan--"

"Mr. Kane loves Lilly," Logan said, his voice low and tense. "Maybe he didn’t always have time for her, but he loves her. And you think he was the one that... that bashed my girlfriend's skull in? How can you? How can you possibly think that anyone who loved Lilly could do that horrible thing to her?"

Veronica shut her eyes for a moment. And when she opened them, Logan couldn't help but take a step back. He'd once said that Veronica was not made of steel. But there was iron in her gaze, her eyes narrowed and her mouth tight. She breathed in and said, "Get out of my way, Logan."

Logan obliged, but only because people were beginning to stare, and this wasn't the sort of attention he enjoyed. As she walked by he said, "I guess everyone was right about you."

Veronica looked over her shoulder and asked, "What do you mean?"

"You never loved Lilly," Logan sniffed.

At first he thought Veronica might yell at him, but all she did was stare. He could tell that he'd hurt her, and that felt... good. It felt very good to make someone else hurt.

At least that way he wasn't alone.

"I hope you and your dad are happy," Logan muttered, turning on his heel and walking away from her. He didn't stop until he got to his car. Then he climbed into the driver's seat, set his head on the wheel, and sobbed. His shoulders shook and he could hardly catch his breath, but he didn't care. He just sat there and cried, not caring who saw or who didn't see or anything else.

He cared for nothing except Lilly and everything else had he lost.


-----


"You can be a real jackass, you know that?"

Logan groaned at the realization that he was dreaming again, and that, yes, that was Lilly's voice filling his head. Just when he thought he'd gotten rid of her, there she was again. "Well, Lilly, did anyone ever tell you that you are a really big--" Logan stopped, jumping a little when he saw Lilly in front of him now.

She wasn't in that white tattered dress she'd been in for as long as he could remember. No. She was in that damn bloody pep squad uniform. There was blood on her face, her hands, her head. It was Lilly's corpse standing in front of him, but her eyes were the same as always. Fiery, crackling, and full of just as much life as she'd had when she was still breathing.

"Oh, no," Logan whispered, screwing his eyes shut and backing away. "No, no, no, no, no, no..."

"You deserve to see me like this after what you said to Veronica," Lilly accused, walking to him in her bare feet.

"No," Logan repeated. He didn't want this. He didn't want to see this again. He didn't want to remember her like this. She was alive, damn it. She was alive in his head, or she had been. Now she was a corpse, rotting right in front of him, and he didn't want it. He wondered if his strength of will could transform him into a god so he could bring her back and undo everything. Then he realized it couldn't. That wasn't tragic enough for Lilly Fucking Kane.

Lilly glared at him, a river of blood coursing its way down her neck and staining her t-shirt. "She's doing what she thinks is right, Logan."

"Well, she thinks wrong," Logan snapped. "She was supposed to be your best friend--"

"She is my best friend, Logan," Lilly reminded him, brushing a lock of bloody hair away. "She loves me just as much as you do."

Logan shook his head adamantly. "Bullshit."

"Logan--"

"I said bullshit!" he repeated, throwing his hands into the air and just narrowly missing her face. "Don't you think I'd know if anyone loved you as much as I did? Don't you think I could see how... how fucking broken they were? How lost they were when you weren't around? I would have noticed if you'd blown into someone's life like Hurricane Lilly. I would have seen you crushed them, how you twisted them, how you made them consumed with you. I don't see any other dead men at school, Lilly. I'm the only one there."

"You always have to make everything so fucking melodramatic," Lilly muttered, unmoved by his histrionics. "I'm not some witch who put a spell on you, Logan. I'm just a girl. However you feel is because of you. Not me."

Logan laughed bitterly. "Like you didn't know what you were doing."

"I would have left you a long time ago if I'd known you were going to become this psychotic!" Lilly snapped. "Veronica might miss me, but at least she's sane!"

"Then she didn't love you very much, did she?"

Lilly shook her head violently. "Veronica loves me. And she loves her father. And Duncan. And she loved you up until today, Logan. But you betrayed her. You fucked it all up."

"No, she betrayed us, Lilly!" Logan raged. "You said yourself that your father didn't--"

"God, were you always this dense?" Lilly asked in disbelief. "I'm your subconscious talking, Logan. I say whatever you want me to say. Have we not been over this, like... eighty times now?"

"I wish my subconscious would make you shut the hell up," Logan said cruelly. "Fine. Whatever. But I know that your dad didn't kill you."

"Like it matters," Lilly said, pushing her bloody hair out her eyes. "I'm dead. Does it really matter who did it?"

Logan turned and snapped. "Of course it matters! I have to--"

"What? Avenge me?"

Logan remained silent. That had been the plan, after all.

Upon seeing she was right, she shook her head and said, "Are you ever going to get over this tortured emo shit, or is this a permanent personality shift?"

"It's whatever the hell it has to be," Logan said gravely. "Whatever the hell it can be."

"Do you ever give a straight answer?" Lilly asked, utterly fed up with him.

"Do you ever haunt anyone else this obsessively?" Logan snapped.

Lilly sighed and said, "Duncan only saw me once, but he won't be doing that again for quite some time. Veronica sees me a lot. She has to. It's how I know she gives a shit."

"And what, I don't?!" Logan cried.

"Logan, believe me when I say that you will never have a problem with apathy," Lilly replied shortly. "You're... you're too much. You always have been."

Logan tore his hands through his hair. "Is that why you kept coming back?"

Her too-long hesitation meant yes.

"You keep saying that you're a manifestation of my subconscious or whatever," Logan said quietly. "But that can't be it. It can't be all. You're too real, Lilly. You're too... I know you're here. I know you want something."

Again, silence. It was always her affirmative.

"What do you want?"

He heard Lilly becoming uncomfortable. She always cleared her throat when he tried to discuss the serious issues. She didn't like things getting to heavy. Their break ups often coincided with his attempts.

She took a deep breath and said, "I just…” she trailed off, waving her arms a bit to try and find the words. “I don't want you to lose yourself, you... jackass."

Logan turned, surprised, moved, and a little pissed off. He shook his head and said, "You're unbelievable."

She blinked. "Huh?"

"Do you really expect me to believe that now?" Logan asked, shaking. "Do you really expect me to believe that you can... can say something like that now?"

Lilly shrugged. "What can I say? Death has given me a new lease on life."

"That's not funny," he snapped.

"Not trying to be," Lilly said testily. "Logan, all you've been doing since I died is sit around and mope and drink, and now you're snapping on Veronica Mars of all people. At first, it was like, whatever, but now it's just pathetic. You're pathetic. You're better than this... this shell formerly known as Logan Echolls."

"So what would you have me do? Huh?" Logan asked, backing away from her and spreading out his arms as if he were accepting God's judgment upon him. "What would the Great Lilly Kane have me do?"

Lilly sighed, her face tightening. “Logan…”

“No, tell me,” Logan said, the volume of his voice steadily advancing. “Please, enlighten me with your wisdom from the great beyond, Lilly! Tell poor, pathetic little Logan Echolls what the fuck he’s supposed to do without you, because he doesn’t have a God damned clue!”

"Be something!" Lilly screamed in a reflex response, her wide eyes going wider as she gestured around the dream world, a garden of knives and twisted metal. A garden of death. This, Logan thought, was fitting for both of them.

"Do something other than feel sorry for yourself and scream about your fucking injustice. So I died. Shit happens. At least you didn't die too. You can talk all you want about being the only dead man at Neptune High, but you're alive."

"Well, I shouldn't be!" Logan yelled, sounding tortured. "I should have been there! I should have saved you! I should have--"

Lilly rolled her eyes, briefly touching her open, gaping wound. "Forget the past, you idiot! Just... live! Just fucking live!"

She wanted him to live. She wanted him to somehow go on when he'd already explained to her that everything was over. She wanted something more for him than death garden, but it was all he would have and it was all that would have him. And he could not make her understand that.

So instead, he listened to her.

“Fine,” Logan seethed, advancing on her. "You want me to do something, Lilly? I'll do something. I'm sick of being alone down here anyway. It’s hell without you! Don't you know that? It’s hell, and I'm going to drag everyone else down here with me. If I have to be miserable without you, then the whole damn world's going to be! I won't be the only one hurting this much. I'll hate and hurt everyone around me, and I won't give a shit! What's the point without you anyway? What's the fucking point, Lilly?!"

She didn't answer him. She wasn't even there anymore. He didn't know where she'd gone, but she'd left him alone in the wreckage of his life without a word. She'd disappeared without warning. Just like last time.

And she hadn't taken him with her.

He cursed, turning and walking away from the twisted scene. He thought he felt something get caught underneath his foot, but he didn't stop to take notice of it.

If he had, he would have seen a solitary Wine Cup, a vibrant fuchsia bloom, crushed and dying beneath his weight. The only flower in the field.

Gone for good.





AUTHOR'S NOTE
December suggested that I explain this somewhere for those of you reading this for the Review Exchange, so here you are. The term 09ers is not a typo. It refers to the "rich kids" at Neptune High. There is a social divide between classes in Neptune County, and the clearest and most literal line is the one between zip codes. The rich families in Neptune all live in the zip code 90909, and their kids were nicknamed the 09ers.